Ready to do it all over again? 9 Months and counting!

Wordless Wednesday...












New baby smell, naps on the couch with an 8 lb baby on your chest, tiny baby clothes...it all works for me.

For more things that work visit, Works for Me Wednesday.

BIG News

It is funny how God works sometimes. How He can instantly change your life in moments, while at the same time He continues to mold you into who He wants you to be. And that process is long, sometimes it seems never ending and it definitely has hills and valleys.

At the end of the day, whether life changes in an instant or in months or even years, we have to learn to trust Him. NO MATTER WHAT.

I have spoken before about the process that God has been taking me through in these last few months. A process that has brought me to my knees crying out to Him, a process that has purged me and purified who I was.

It has been a very trying process and I have seen so much victory and I feel renewed and like a new person.

Amidst it all God was showing me so many things.

He showed me sins that I had in my life that had to be resolved and purged. Generational sins that were evident in my family that had to be broken. Sins of envy, selfishness, judgement, pride and fear.

He showed me that my desire to be "liked" was a sin. That it did not matter what people thought of me, only what God thought of me. Let me tell you, when He told me that I broke. I was so good at pretending and at being what I thought others wanted. It was exhausting me, but in my head I had to continue because that's what people expected. He had to break me of such thoughts and evil desires.

Ultimately, He was teaching me to trust Him and He alone and to do that he had to renew my heart and mind.

You see all of these sins that I carried - envy, selfishness, judgement, pride, and fear - all of these sins were evident in my thought life.

I was worried as to how I would be portrayed or looked upon. I questioned the relationships I had with others, and I allowed my mind to think things such as, "They think they are better than me," "they are only pretending to like me," "They are judging me." My mind would think such lies and I would almost believe them. My heart and mind were battling because in my head such things were thought, but my heart knew the truth. I did not have control of my mind. It controlled me.

And because of such thoughts, my immediate response was pride, judgement and selfishness. I could easily blame others for my resentment, but it was all me. I allowed my mind to believe the lies. Because though I may have believed such lies, at the same time I was also believing, "I am unworthy," "I'm not needed," "I'm useless," and "no one cares if I am around or not."

In the end, I was lonely, I was empty and I was in a pit because I allowed my mind to win and lies to overcome the truth and I had put myself there.
Thank you Jesus for loving me so much that you put me in fire, that you opened my eyes, that you cleansed me and purged me and made me new. Thank you for getting me out of my own pit.

I'm going to be very vulnerable and open, but I want you to know what God can do and just how perfect and awesome He is.

Amidst all of these battles I fought, for I have been battling such oppressive thoughts for almost 4 months now, well actually, for my whole life, and God specifically told me one of the reasons as to why he was taking me through this.

My son is amazing. He is just like his father in action and deed. He talks like him, he imitates everything he does, and even at this age you can tell the kind of personality he has and the kind of person he will most likely be like.

My son has a friend wherever he goes. He is so friendly and greets everyone in the grocery store and in the mall and people love him. He is already outgoing and active and friendly.

I am not many of those things. I am very friendly, but it takes me a little while to warm up. I had close friends, but didn't like to be surrounded by people. I've changed a lot and I love being with my friends, but I still get a little nervous when there are lots of people around. That is not my son.

So...God told me that my son didn't necessarily have those sins I talked about earlier. He may have to break some of them off, but they wouldn't be the same for him as they were for me. However, my next child may have to work a little harder. And he said, I had to break them and change my heart and mind before I unknowingly filtered my fears and worries and pride and essentially, low self-esteem, into my other children.

In my secret of hearts, I want a baby girl.

I want pink and roses and ribbons and dresses.

But my head would say, I hope she's not like me. I hope she's outgoing and social and popular and beautiful. I always liked me, but for some reason I compared myself to everyone else and wanted to be and have what every one else had and was placing those thought onto my future children. Me, no matter how smart or fun I was, it just wasn't good enough.

When God showed me what I was doing, I was heartbroken. I never realized how wrong I was, how selfish, how sinful. But, he brought me through.

I can say with confidence that I have control of my mind, mostly. There are times when I think things, but I immediately see the lie and speak the truth. And now I know that I am renewed and not who I was.

We found out on Saturday that I am pregnant.

We were not trying. Our plans said, summertime, but, to God, there are no oops, and He said my child will be born, "for such a time as this."

Honestly, I was a little surprised. I knew before the test turned pink the truth, but I was a little afraid. I just started feeling like me, but I remembered all he brought me through and I realized, what better gift to have from my creator. What better show of approval and what better reward.

"Before I formed you in your mother's womb, I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

To all who are reading, no matter what you are going through, know that God has placed you, He has set you apart and He knows every bit of you.

I encourage you to allow Him to change your heart, to renew your mind and to mold you into what He desires. It is not easy, but it is so good. Ask your Father to open your eyes to your heart and to continually purify you so that you will be a child of excellence. It is a process, but it's a good one.

"The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Psalms 126:3

Transitions

I'm not great about change. I like routine. I'm not good with transitions. If I can avoid change, I try to.

Now it's not like I flip out or bring on the waterworks or anything crazy like that. Change just makes me nervous, unsure and unsettled.

That's probably true for most of us.

We are going to make a big change in our life this week. I'm not sure when it will all unfold but...I'm not too excited about it. I'm very nervous and a little afraid.

Let me tell you how this inevitable change came about...

25 months ago I had a son. He was beautiful and perfect. He was a happy baby and a good baby by most other's standards.

By 1 month we put him in his crib to sleep in his room. Some of you are thinking, "ONE Month?!" Yes, one month. No I am not a horrible mommy, I wanted that baby to sleep in his precious little moses basket that his father bought for me with so much attention and eagerness to please his wife, but nonetheless, what can I say, my child is a crazy sleeper. He hated the moses basket. He needed room to move.

So in his crib he went. He slept like a champ. Sleeping 5 hours in 6 weeks, 8 hours in 8 weeks!

And as I said before, he was a crazy sleeper. He moved so much. For an infant it was pretty impressive. He would start with his head one way and by morning his head was towards the other direction.

He LOVED his bed.

We had few transitions. When he began to roll, he would wake himself and we would go and roll him the other way until he learned to do it himself. This happened again when he began to crawl and then stand and eventually, the transitions were over, he had accomplished so much as a one year old.

For almost a year I have revelled in a full nights sleep. He rarely wakes up in the middle of the night. He enjoys his bed.

This past New Years we were out of town for a week and when we came home, he went to his bed and screamed "BED." Kissed it and went right in and slept from 8:30 to 10:30 the next morning!

Then it happened. I was wondering if it would ever happen and it did.

One afternoon after his nap, he wakes and begins to try to climb out of his crib. He did it was the greatest of ease and finesse. I saw it all on his video monitor and only a matter of seconds he was down. He slowly opened the door and softly calls out my name, ad if he's unsure that waht he did was a good thing.

Well it wasn't a good thing.

Now, at the time of the incident, he was 23 months old, so I was pretty amazed he made it this far, because by nature he is a climber. I have caught him standing on my counter tops and he was able to climb his little rock climbing wall by 15 months so...I was a bit surprised it took him this long, but I'm convinced...he likes his bed.

So, on that fateful afternoon, he climbs out and is so proud of himself. He begs me to put him in bed again so he can show me and proudly states. "Mama, I down!"

He climbs out every morning for a week. He woke up at 6:30 every morning for a week. Believe me, the difference between 6:30 and 7:30 is incredible!

We did not convert his bed because my husband was out of town for the week so we were going to just deal with it and change it when he returned.

Didn't have to...he stopped climbing out. Just plain stopped. I don't know why.

I thought I was lucky. I praised God that we didn't have to change anything.

He would stay in his crib till he was 10! Hallelujah!

And then...
Friday afternoon, April 25, 2008 - He climbed out

Friday night, April 25, 2008, 10:30 pm - He climbed out again.

Saturday Morning, April 26, 2008, 6:30 am - He's down.

Saturday Evening, April 26, 2008, 11:00 pm - Out of bed.

Sunday Morning, April 27, 2008, 3:00 am - out and ready to play.

Sunday Morning, April 27, 2008, 4:00 am - while getting out, falls and mom is awakened by a loud boom and crying.

Sunday Morning, April 27, 2008, 4:30 am - tries to get out again, despite the fall from earlier (he must have been too tired to remember.)

So, needless to say, we are transitioning into a big boy bed starting tomorrow night.

I'm scared. I'm nervous. I need my sleep!
I guess we'll see how it goes...

Game Night

My cousin and her hubby came over tonight for the first time in months! It's so sad how busy life can get. They got married last March and both my beloved and I stood in their wedding. We saw them twice after their wedding, and tonight we were figuring it had been about 9 months since we got together last. That's pretty sad considering we live only about 30 minutes from each other.

We have so much fun with them and for whatever reason each time we do get together we do the same thing. We have a game night.

We make food and for some reason it has been fajitas the last few times, e didn't plan it that way, but my Hubs makes GREAT fajitas so we typically serve that often. We put our kid to sleep and then we make coffee and get out the cards.

Not poker or Texas Hold'em.
Not UNO.

We play Phase 10!

If you haven't played before, its a must have. It beats out the rest, I think.

Plus, we tend to be somewhat competitive, vindictive and a little crazy.

It is so much fun because we are strung out on sugar from dessert and strong coffee. My cousin isn't much of a coffee drinker so she get almost high on the stuff and I'm just silly so the two of us together make for quite some fun. We say the most ridiculous things and over all it's fun.

Why we don't do it more often, I'm not sure.

So, it's about 12:45, they just left for home and it's time for bed. The sugar is coming down and the caffeine is also filtered out.

All this to say, go get Phase 10 and have a game night, I promise you'll love it!

New Blog Design

Hope everyone noticed my new blog design! Doesn't it look super fabulous! Thank you, Thank you to Shauna who did an amazing job! She rocks and for all those of you who are thinking about putting a new face to your site, go and check out her stuff!

Another thank you goes out to my beloved, who loves me so much he came up with the idea of giving me a new site for Mother's day. Since begining my blog I wanted mine to look pretty like everyone elses out there, but I figured I would give it some time and then pay for the changes later. Well since he supports me and is so forgiving of all the time I spend on the computer, he brought it up without my telling him and said, "Do what you want!" Three cheers for husband of the year, supporter and friend!

For all my bloggy friends out there check out the Mommy blog party coming up on May 11- 13. There are going to be lots of give aways, carnivals and prizes! Should be fun and a good chance to meet more blog friends.

Happy weekend to all!

Reality TV

I hate reality TV. I was into it for awhile. I watched Survivor, the Bachelor and the one with Donald Trump almost religiously. We DVR'd them, rushed through commercials, cried when our favorites were fired or voted out and were elated for the winners at the end as if we ourselves had won.

And then, I moved on.

After awhile, I realized it was the same stuff over and over again. The same story line.

Reality became ratings, not real life.

It was now Fake TV. The reality was revealed the following day on the Tonight Show or Oprah when we all learned all about the magic of editing.

Unfortunately, my world, my crazy reality is not edited. My ratings at times are high, but sometimes they plummet faster than Dharma and Greg. Sure, I might have faithful viewers, but they are harder to reach on the Wednesday night lineup compared to the coveted Thursday slots.

I love my reality. I'm glad I'm not edited, because in the end, I'm the director and producer of this show and on some days I send out good messages, make people think and sometimes even cry and other days, I flop.

I have lots of viewers out there. Some have been watching from the beginning and are pretty good at the Scene it game. Some are new viewers, others come and watch every once in a while, while others just happen to stop by.

If the producer was bright, she'd have the best of the best writers. Celebrity guests. Drama. Action. Tears and humor.

But, this is reality.

There are days when I don't like my character. I don't want to be the mom, or the wife or the maid.

Days when I don't remember my lines. When I mess up and am negative, not very encouraging, judgemental, mean and even rude.

There are days when my stylist doesn't show up. When I haven't washed my hair in 3 days. When I quickly put on makeup and run out the door with this huge line across my face and raccoon eyes. When I've worn the same thing 3 times in one week because nothing is washed and the rest is wrinkled.

Days when the cute child actor throws a fit because the set is out of Popsicles and he can only be appeased with candy and sugar. When the set tutor doesn't come in and the child actor watches movies all day long.

Reality.

I don't have it all together. I can pretend and put my editor to the test when I want to, but I've learned that shows like that may sail for awhile, but they don't win awards. And they aren't quoted by fans.

Disclaimer - The producer of this show is responsible for all views and opinions. All that is said is truth. It's real. Perhaps sometimes embellished for humor purposes, but otherwise honest. All pride is put aside.

I hope this show will encourage you by my words, actions and mess ups. I know I'm not alone because there are so many other great shows out there that are just as real and unscripted.

Let's all strive for unscripted reality.

And sooner or later, we'll all walk side by side in our Valentino's and Armani's onto the red carpet and get our reward.

"I want to thank all my viewers out there. Without you, I'd be no where."

One of those days

I had one of those days. It was horrible. It was stressful. It was long.

Friends say it's a phase. I'm ready for it to end. I've had enough thank you very much!

It started this morning and did not subside.

My son is two. They say that year is suppose to be "terrible." Well, we've been in it for one month and if it lasts an entire year, I don't think I'm gonna make it. (Some keep telling me three is worse...I'm praying my kid is just advanced.)

Doors are slamming, screams are resounding, there is kicking and hitting, falling on the floor in anger and frustration, beating the Berber carpet with a fist, calling out for anyone to take it away...and the little monster is worse.

I have found that putting him in his room and shutting the door during his tirades works a little. At least it mutes him some, if anything else. He is doing this new thing, where he throws himself back onto the floor ( how he doesn't get a concussion is beyond me) and almost convulses in rage. His whole body shakes and it looks like his whole body is coming off the ground. All the while he is screaming. I'm talking blood curling, clench your face till it hurts screams. You think someone was beating him.

In then end, we both are crying, we both calm down and try to get back to normal. Ten minutes later, it happens again.

So...that was my day.

So my "Works for you Wednesday" is a bit turned around.

There are so many amazing moms out there and I know you have been in my shoes. I know you read this and are smiling and nodding your head thanking God that you are past that "phase." You may be thinking, yeah, that phase is hard, but wait till he gets to be 8 or 14 or 22!My question to you is, Do you want to trade for a day?!?

So I want to know...What works for you? I need serious help! I feel totally lost!

I will tell you one thing that did work for me despite the craziness today (by the way, I found no beauty whatsoever in today. My kid screamed, it was hot and humid, threatening rain that never came and my husband had to work late!), when my husband did finally get home, after hearing me sob on the other line, he comes in with take out, a sushi lunch for tomorrow and a pint of cookies and cream ice cream.

Though the rest is great, the cookies and cream ice cream work best. I think I'm going to enjoy that very soon!

For more tips on what works, go to Works for Me Wednesdays at http://www.rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/

Love with Action

I'm making dinner for a friend who's on bed rest today. I'll be the first to say I'm not the greatest cook...I can follow a recipe, for instance if it says 1 tbsp, I get the measuring spoon, put whatever in it and scrape the top just to be sure. I don't "eyeball" anything! I don't necessarily like cooking, it stresses me out a bit, but I do enjoy cooking for friends.

Sunday's "Beautiful Truth" was from 1st John. In the passage John writes, "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."

We can all understand the difference between words and actions. Your spouse can tell you he loves you everyday, which is both wonderful and necessary, but when he comes home with flowers "just because" or when she rubs you back without you asking, that actions speaks volumes of love.

That actions says I was thinking about you. I want you to know I love you. I know how hard you work and I appreciate you.

It is so important to show love in this way to our spouses and to our children. But, is is also important to show that same love to our neighbors, friends, co-workers, etc. To show love that is compassionate and encouraging.

In all honesty, only in the last few years have I become one who loves like Christ.

For so long believers have been welcoming unbelievers or "sinners" on Sundays, but during the week our doors were closed. We led our lives and they led theirs.

We are great at hosting bible studies at our homes and times of fellowship for believers, people who were like us, but when unbelievers knock we step back.

We don't want to be tempted or tainted or even troubled.

"I'll embrace believers, but you sinners need Jesus!"

How foolish. How fake.

But...I believe believers are beginning to change their views. The old way wasn't working. The church has been stagnant for far too long. Believers are seeing that instead of shutting out, we must do all we can to bring others in.

How? With love like Christs'.

Love that is compassionate, not judgemental.
Love that is encouraging, not telling.
Love that is forgiving, not proud.

In the past few years I have learned what real, brotherly love looks like. I know what real love actions are now.

When we had our son, we had been attending our church for only about 4 months. In those four months we began attending a small group and became as involved as we could be with a baby on the way. We had just become members and really only knew a handful of people. When we had little one our small group, which at the time was about 7 people said they would provide us dinner.

Great! We thought "that will be nice. We'll get a few casseroles. Perfect."

We didn't get any casseroles!

Amazing. Awestruck. Blessed.

Not only did our small group bring us food, but people who we had never met brought us meals for two weeks.

Meals...as in homemade BBQ chicken with biscuits, corn and potatoes. Salas with bottles of dressing. Appetizers, full desserts every night, even muffins for breakfast!

We did not go hungry!

Overflowing - That is Love.

There was a need and it was met. No concern for their own lives. No need to know who we were. I'm still blessed to this day by the love. Because the truth is, I wasn't like that. Before, if anyone had blessed me like that, I probably would have thought, "what are they after?" Or pride would get in the way of the blessing with thoughts of, "I can take care of myself."

I could tell you stories of how loved we felt those first few months. Not only was God taking care of us, but He was taking care of us through people we barely knew and who now we have the privilege of calling friends, actually, brothers and sisters.

When my husbands grandmother broke her hip, we called our friends to let them know and ask for prayer and they immediately responded with, "What can we do?"

We were foolish to say, "Just pray," because their response was, "NO. We are already doing that, what can we specifically do for your family."

Christ didn't pray, he moved. That's love.

I can go on and on. But overall, now when someone needs something I say,"What can I do," and I mean it. I don't "just pray."

I've learned to take action. Love with action, not just words.

If you see a neighbor with a newborn, take a meal.
If a co-worker is sick - take them ice cream or a good movie.
If a family member is struggling, take them to dinner or to get pedicures.

How much more of a ministry are you going to have with your neighbors, family and friends if you love first and then invite them to church.

This is what the world is hungry and searching for.

LOVE with ACTIONS.

Embrace the world, the sinners, the believers, everyone in love.

I encourage you to love as Christ loves. Find a body of believers who love like Christ, or better yet, become a body of believers who love like Christ.

Become one who sees a need and meets it.

Jesus did it.

My Love

I got this meme at The Diaper Diaries about hubbies and I haven't written too much about my hubs so I figured this looks like fun, I think I'll join in and "gush" on him as well. So...here goes!

How long did you date? 8 years! I know...crazy! I was 14 and he was 16 (talk about a parent's worse nightmare. Imagine you 14 year old coming to you and saying, I'm in LOVE with this 16 year old boy and I think he's the one!) I was right!
How old is he? 28
Who eats more? Sadly, I would have to say that I do, but not like at meals, just in general. He will skip breakfast and sometimes he's too busy at work so he skips lunch. It's not a good thing. I'm trying to be a good wife by fixing him breakfast. I'll tell you how that goes!
Who said “I love you” first? He did. We were "friends" for 6 months before we started "dating" and in order for me to say yes to his request of "going together officially," he said the three little words.
Who is taller? He is. I am barely 5"2', though of course always in atleast 2 inch heals. It took him about two years to realize how short I was. One day we were in my parent's kitchen and I was walking around barefoot and he looks at me all confused and says, "When did you get so short?" Who sings better? Me.
Who is smarter? Depends. I win at English, history, and general jeopardy type questions. He wins at math, science, politics and sports.
Whose temper is worse? Mine, definitely! He doesn't have much of a temper. I actually have to really try hard to get him to react. I hate it! He can just move on like nothing, it is sooooo annoying!
Who does the laundry? Me. He doesn't do any of it. Though he does help with cleaning, unfortunatly the curse of the laundry is on me only!
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does.
Who pays the bills? Thank you Lord, he does! We would be in major debt, on the side of the road in very cute clothes if it weren't for him!
Who cooks dinner? I do. If he were to get home early enough to, he would in a second. He loves cooking and he is so great at it. He's one of those cooks who throws stuff together and it comes out GREAT! He makes chicken and is like, "I'm gonna put orange juice on this," and it comes out amazing. If I were to do that, we'd have to resort to the emergency frozen lasagna! He finds cooking relaxing.
Who drives when you are together? He does. I don't like driving.
Who is more stubborn? We both are.
Who kissed who first? He kissed me first.
Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? I am. But of course I expect him to oblige and say, "me too." When he doesn't I take it back! Whose parents do you see the most? We are lucky to have both living very close so it's sorta equal. I guess we tend to see mine a little more, but...
Who proposed? He did. Skiing in Breckenridge.
Who is more sensitive? I definietely am!
Who has more friends? I have a couple of lifelong friends, but for the most part we are pretty equal.
Who has more siblings? He does. Two brothers, he's the baby.
Who wears the pants in the family? Depends on the situation I guess. He trusts me with the house and parenting stuff and I trust him with the financial stuff, but for big decisions we go on it together, but in the end I follow him and hold him up no matter what. Atleast that's the goal.

So that's it. My beloved is great. My BFF! There is no one better. So I'm going to tag a couple of people and see where this goes!

Bringing Home Ava and This ain't New York.

Happy Monday!

We know what love is because Jesus gave his life for us. That's why we must give our lives for each other. If we have all we need and see one of our own people in need, we must have pity on that person, or else we cannot say we love God.

Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it. When we love others, we know that we belong to the truth, and we feel at ease in the presence of God. But even if we don't feel at ease, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.

Dear friends, if we feel at ease in the presence of God, we will have the courage to come near him. He will give us whatever we ask, because we obey him and do what pleases him. God wants us to have faith in his Son Jesus Christ and to love each other. This is also what Jesus taught us to do.

If we obey God's commandments, we will stay one in our hearts with him, and he will stay one with us. The Spirit that he has given us is proof that we are one with him.

1 John 3:16-24 (Contemporary English Version)

*Come back on Tuesday to delve in a little deeper! Have a Beautiful day of Grace.

Like Father, Like Son

This is my favorite picture of my boys. I love this picture. I don't know what it is...maybe it is because it's real, sweet and I don't know...how many times will my son and his dad hold hands like this?

They say that boys are suppose to look like thier mommies and girls are to look like their dads ( I don't know who they are, but apparently this is what they say).

Well, I never wanted that.

When we decided to start trying for a child I knew I wanted a boy first and everyone knew my beloved wanted a boy, because he was not ashamed in telling anyone who asked.

In the end it didn't matter because we would have been thrilled either way, but there were a few specifics I did pray for.

I prayed that my child wouldn't have my nose and I specifically remember praying that he would look like his dad and be like his dad.

Boy does God answer prayers. Little one looks just like his dad. Same eyebrows, same facial expressions, same big feet...he came out and I was like, I have a mini him!

Now that he's two, not only does he look like his dad, but he acts like his father. How a two year old can be "metrosexual" is beyond me. As I've said before, the child hates to be dirty. One drop of water or food on his shirt and it comes off. Also, he does not leave the house without his hair being fixed. The other day I was in a hurry and put him in the car and he said, "Mama, hair." So I had to quickly fix his hair. And what two year old picks his own clothes! He has to have choices on his clothing and he will refuse certain shirts if that is not the one he wants.

So all in all, I have two men in my house who are very much the same and I guess that's what I asked for. I just hope that he will grow up to be as kind and smart and goofy as his father. That he will be generous, that he will be faithful in his walk with Christ and that he will love unselfishly like his father.

Purple "Dream" Dress

I have a dream.

It's not a Martin Luther King kind of dream, but more of a Kirstie Alley kind of dream, before Jenny came along, that is.

They say this dream is achievable. I'm not so sure. It would take a lot on my part. A whole lot.

Maybe...Maybe...

This is my dream. My Purple Dream.



"A dress?" you ask. Do I want to buy this dress? Is it an exhorbitant amount of money? No. I own this dress.

Do I want to wear this dress to some fancy event or special date? No, If I could wear it around the house I would. That is part of the problem.

This is my dress. My pretty, purple dress. It has been in my closet since 1999. It is not that I particularly love this dress or that I'm somehow sentimentally attached to it.

Sure, it's a pretty dress, but no special memories revolve around this dress, except for one. A memory that has vanished especially after the freshmen 15, my first year of teaching high school, my husband's love of pizza and dr. pepper floats and one baby.

The only reason this dress still hangs in my closet and not in some goodwill store is for one simple reason...

It is a size 2.

A SIZE 2!!!

And that, my friend, is a dream!

2 is such a small number. I don't think one of my thighs is a size 2.

I look at this dress that has been in my closet since High School and I look at my post "begining of real life" body, and I wonder...How was that possible?

Then I remember...I barely ate, counted every calorie I consumed and roller bladed 4 mi. per day.

I guess I was crazy back then too!

And now...I think about doing all those things and it makes me tired.

So for now, the dream still lives and the dream dress will stay in my closet and maybe someday...maybe.

Kumquat Fruit

We have a tree. A kumquat tree. If you've never seen a kumquat tree it looks more like a tree/bush. Though it gets tall, it's still rather rounded like a bush and it grows kumquats, thus the name. A kumquat is small and round and orangish yellow. It's pretty sweet and the texture of the fruit is between a mango and a peach.

I always wanted a kumquat tree because growing up every house that we lived in had neighbors who had kumquat trees. We never did, but nonetheless, my brother and I spent many days trying to pick the fruit off the trees without getting caught. Not that the neigbors cared much, but there was excitement in the prospect of being "caught" so...like I said, I always wanted a kumquat tree.

Anyways, we planted this tree in our back yard two years ago and this year is the first year that it produced fruit. I was very excited about this tree when we first got it and I have been waiting for this season for a while now.

We spent an evening picking the fruit off the tree, and in the last few days my son and I have gone outside and picked a few more. It has been very exciting...as if we have discovered something new in our own back yard.

"Look at us, we have produced vegitation. We shall prosper and the next generation will be blessed."

Ok, maybe not so dramatic, but exciting nevertheless.

Yesterday, when we were out picking more fruit, it occured to me that this tree, though small and fairly young produced quite a bit of fruit. And then I began to think about how a tree produces all of this fruit yet, it is not the tree who enjoys it, but others who taste the sweet nectar and pulp - like birds and worms and little one and his mom.

Christ talks about seeds and trees and fruit alot and while I was thinking of my kumquat tree I started thinking about the fruit in my life. Those "Fruits of the Spirit" like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control (Galations 5:22). And it occured to me that though this fruit does benifit me, I don't produce this fruit for myself, but for others.

My spirit fruit is a tool for my ministy in this life that I can use to draw others to Christ. So many times we pray for these fruits and desire these fruits in our lives for our own sakes, but that is not what they are intended for.

So many times we pray for peace for ourselves, which is great, but think of how much more of an impact your life ministry has if you walk with the fruit of peace not just for yourself, but so that others around you, in your church, in your neighborhood, family and friends, will feel that peace, notice that peace and desire to be in your presence because of that peace that overflows in you.

Imagine the life ministry I can have if others are drawn to me because of the fruit of gentleness that exudes. Imagine the seeds that can be sown and the fruit that those seeds can produce because that gentleness inhabits mercy and encouragement.

Pray for these fruits to be overwhelming in your life, not just for your sake, but for those in your path.

Pray for patience - Not just so you can be a good parent, but so your children will see your gentle ways, your mercy and in that, patience will be sown in them. Pray for God's perfect timing and not your own.

Pray for faithfulness - for loyalty and devotion to who you are and what you believe in. Those of you at your jobs, whether you are at home with your kids or at an office, pray that you will be faithful and devoted to your values, to your family and to your God, so that when times of unsteadiness come, you will be steadfast and have courage so others will see the truth.

Pray for Love - Pray that you will learn to love as Christ loves us. You will not envy, but love. You will not do things for the praise and affection of others, but you will do them because you love. You will forgive because you love. You seek the truth because you love. You will hope and endure because you love (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

I encourage you to walk in the fruits of the spirit so others will desire to walk beside you and so the seeds of your fruit will spread to those your fruit impacts.

Have You Seen it?

I've lost something and I can't seem to find it.
I have searched everywhere and it's nowhere to be found.

Have you seen it?

It's one of my most prized posessions and now it's gone.

My mom first taught me about this wonderful gift, for she has one too. When I was at home with my parents I was able to take advantage of it. And even though my dad said it was no longer free to have, my mom was able to find a way to use it.

When I got married my dad told me I had to find my own and my mother's was no longer available to me.

I was so sad. I was unsure. What was I to do without this treasure?

And then, I realized I had one too! ( It took me a little while to find it, but find it I did!)

I was thrilled! And soon I began to take full advantage of this good fortune.

But then, my husband said that it was no longer free to have. He said I had to be careful and aware of how I used it. ( I think he has been talking to my father.)

I didn't listen.

And now, it's gone.
I can't find it anywhere.

I'm so sad. I'm unsure. What am I suppose to do without my money tree?

My husband says it was no longer blooming, so he cut it down.

How am I suppose to buy another pair of shoes or sunglasses or cute, unnecessary dollar stuff at Target without my tree?

My husband keeps using the word budget.
I've got to find that tree!

Have you seen it?

This use to work for me!

The Perpitrators

For more things that work for others...go to works for me wednesday at rocks in my dryer.

Security Objects

My son has a blanket. He loves his blanket. It is his "bie" (he possibly named it that since we at first referred to it as his blankie. He took out the "lank" and ended up with "bie.")

Lately, everytime we come home he immediatedly goes to "bie" and hugs it, kisses it and says, "I wove you, bie."



When his father was out of town for a week on business he began holding "bie" very close, putting it to his nose and smelling it.

And as of late, he wraps himself in it and pretends he is a baby. He begins crying and asking to be carried like an infant. A 34 lb. infant.




It is his beautiful, beloved "Bie."
His comfort, his friend.

When he is crying and frustrated, "Bie" makes him feel better. Comforted. Secure.

Some think it's cute. Other say I'm in trouble for letting him have a "comfort" object. I would think that most children have a security objects; Some have blankets, pacifiers, others have stuffed animals and I knew one sweet boy who would take his DVD's wherever he went. To them it is a piece of home, a comfort that is with them in this insecure world they are only begining to learn about and become a part of.

As adults, I ask myself, are we really much different? Don't we all have "security" objects? Perhaps not in the form of a blanket, but even still...Many of us are looking for security in so many different ways.

These "objects" make us feel better. Comforted. Secure.

How many times have I felt down, ugly, insecure? And to remedy my feelings I have been known to go out and buy new shoes, or jewelry or a shirt.

And I feel better. Comforted. Security comes in the form of patent leather and cotton.

How many times have I felt lonely or empty and I fill myself with ice cream or chocolate or bread.

And I feel quite full for a time afterwards. Comforted. Security comes in carbohydrates and sugar.

We all have times of struggles, where peace is gone, doubt reigns and all we desire is to be comforted - To be secure in who we are, what we have and where we are going.

Some of us search for that security and find it in our jobs, salaries, the attention of others, our children, spouses, comments on our blogs or even our church. We can search for it forever, but we will never find that comfort until we realize only God can give us the security we desire.

True security comes in trusting Him - His will, His plan, His purpose and His timing.

For so long I thought I trusted God. I believed He was my only comforter.

I was wrong.

I trusted Him with a few things, the things I knew I could not control even if I tried. I did not trust Him with the things I though I could control like my son, my husband, even my character. And because I hadn't given it all to Him, hadn't fully given myself to Him, I searched for security elsewhere, but couldn't find it. And soon, everything I trusted went away.

God placed me in a hard, empty pit and said, "Don't look to anyone but me. I'm here. I can save you. I have saved you. No one else can. Nothing else can. Not your husband, not your family. ME."

And I fought Him. I wanted the control so when things went well, I could get the praise and appreciation. And if things went wrong...it's easy to blame God. To say, "I thought you were in control." Truth - He won't take control if we don't let Him and actually entrust everything to Him.

We are taught that we can take care of ourselves, but we can't. Only God can. I had to learn some new lessons.

Now, when I walk into a room and feel unsure of who I am, I remember, "He is the lifter of my head (Psalms 3:3)."

When I feel unworthy or unattractive, I remember, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made (psalms 139:14)" by the One who made the heavens.

When I feel out of place, lost or even empty, I remember, He has purposed me "for such a time as this (Esther 4:14)" and He will fill me to overflowing (Psalms 23:5).

We all have struggles. Don't try to deny them, blame others for them or even try to fix them yourself. None of that works. Instead, go to your heavenly Father and tell Him.

"God I'm struggling. I'm fighting these feelings and thoughts constantly. I can't do this alone."

Go to the word and find truths. Fight your thoughts with scripture.

And remember, that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it (Phillipians 1:6)"

Lay it all before Him and find freedom and a new security in your Redeemer.

Montage Monday

Ok, today is a big montage of stuff because this past week has felt like a montage. We have been so busy. TOO busy! So life has passed in a blur and therefore I am going to jump from subject to subject today so...brace yourselves!

We have been over the top busy and I am glad to say this week is over. I promise you that last week we spent two nights at home and it ended with a fun filled weekend that included a baseball game and a wedding.

The game was fun, though we lost. But my beloved and I had a great time hanging out. Little one was with his yaya and pop and so we spent the evening sitting "near" each other while he watched the game and cheered and I talked with my sister-in-law and cheered when everyone else cheered.

Saturday was go, go, go. The best thing about Saturday however is that we slept in till 9:00.

Total bliss.

I had to find a dress for my cousin's wedding and so we did that, then picked up our kid and got him home for a nap. We then got dressed, I got beautified and went on our way.

My son came with us because I had mommy guilt about leaving him with a babysitter again. Remember, we have been busy. So we dressed him up all cutified and took him along.

Of course, though he was great during the ceremony (my husband, being the great man that he is, took my son outside so I could enjoy the ceremony. Though he wasn't acting "two" for the first few minutes, we didn't want to take the chance that he would become one of "those" kids...or worse we would become one of "those" parents!), by the time the reception came around, the guilt had subsided and I wanted to call the sitter and have him taken home.

All in all, we had a nice time.

So...what's on the agenda for Monday? All day PJ's and movies! Maybe this week will get back to normal. I am ready for the monotony!

Now before I move on I want to first thank all of my fellow bloggers and other readers for joining me on this adventure. I have been in this crazy blog world for about two weeks now and I have enjoyed it so much. But, I have a little problem...So many are coming to me and saying, "I love reading your blog," when I had no idea of it all. I love you for reading, but I want to encourage you to Leave A Comment!!! It's easy and I love comments. Apparently, to those of us in the blog world - Comments are like chocolate. Love it, need it, gotta have it! So please, leave a comment, not just today but whenever! And for you other bloggers that I haven't met, I would love for you to leave a comment as well so I can link up to you and expand this crazy worldwide blog thing!

And FINALLY...

As far as the meme from yesterday, here are my 6 truths (if you don't know what I am talking about, scroll down to yesterday's blog!)

I do know how to knit, my husbands sweet little grandmother taught me. Of course I have only knitted one scarf and two pairs of baby booties, but hey! My husband and I were together 8 years before we married. I was 14, he was 16, and we were both crazy! And that is why I completed college in 3 instead of 4 years. I wanted to get married. Graduation was not the goal, a wedding was the goal. My first car was a blue VW beetle ( new one). I did scottish dance/jig in H.S. I know, pretty crazy, but we actually were pretty good...world champions and all (not me, but the band and some dancers were, I just participated in the big show every year). And no, I did not play volleyball in H.S. I tried out, but got cut. First of all, I am not athletically inclined, but mostly, I was 5'2 and could barely reach the net! Can you blame them!

Ok...that's it. I promise something more meaningful tomorrow!

Leave a comment! With Love!

Meme's

Ok, so I have just been tagged for a meme. Never really done this before since I'm a novice at this crazy blogging thing but, here goes!

THE LINKS MEME
Just copy paste THIS and everything below up until my Five links:
I thought it would be cool to have a meme where we post links. We can post up to five. Then we tell five more people to share their links. If we all share who tagged us, our links are sure to be seen!
They can be business links, favorite sites, affiliate links, whatever you want…
There are Five Rules:
1. MUST be clean. No R rated sites.2. Only FIVE links.3. MUST tell 5 people.4. A link back to the person who tagged you

1. http://www.stuckonyou.biz/ - great site for kid labels - I spent hours trying to figure out what would identify my kid for the next few years!
2. http://www.piperlime.com/ - I am a shoe addict
3. http://www.wallsdown.blogspot.com/ - I enjoy this blog every wednesday for a pick me up/ faith builder.
4. http://www.wearethatfamily.com/ - a must read, everyday!

Next up is Mommy Pie's tag: Five Classes I Wish They Would’ve Taught in School meme:

1. Laudry 101 - I'm not good at laundry. I forget I have washed clothes and will leave them in the washer for a day, ok sometimes two. So then I have to rewash. nd after I fold them it takes me a few more days to put it all away. The cycle is endless. There must be a better way!
2. how to not be afraid of your two year old - He is in this I'm not listening, going to kick and scream and hit you until you are afraid, very afraid phase. It's working.
3. Making the master bedroom an oasis - Yeah, it's a crap hole. All the crap I don't want people to see is thrown into the master bedroom, including the piles of laundry from before. Let me tell you, it really hightens the mood!
4. Organizing my closet - I have a closet. I'm embarrassed by it. I easily get lost in it. Some day I will open up and let you look inside. Not today.
5. How to feed your kid more than chicken nuggets, pb&j's and mac a cheese - he won't eat anything more.

Ok, and here is the last one - 6 things about me. One is untrue.

1. I know how to knit.
2. my husband and I were together for 8 years before we got married.
3. My first car was a volkswagon beetle
4. I graduated college in 3 instead of 4 years.
5. I played volleyball in high school.
6. I participated in Scottish or Highland dancing in High School.

Ok, so I guess that's it. Comment, comment comment! Especially on that last one! I'll post answers tomorrow. I think I am suppose to tag people and you do all or at least one of these! so...I tag -
becoming me, vintage dutch girl, skubalrowan, Simply "Jenn" -sational. Have fun!

Addictions

I Love shoes. I have an addiction to shoes. I'm currently in a support group for this addiction because my beloved said I had to get a hold of this habit. He said it was tearing apart our credit cards, not to mention his heart everytime he opened a statement. He has me under careful watch considering he's the only one in my support group, which I suppose would make him my counselor. So therefore, if I fall off the wagon, he's the one to blame.

I had a breakthrough the other day when I realized when this love of shoes began.

This is my story:

I was 15. A freshman in a strict academic private school. We did not have fun in school, we were there to learn. We had college textbooks, because college was the goal. There was no time for social activities, football games or flirtations. We were there to get an education, get into the country's top universities and become lawyers and doctors.

We wore uniforms because mornings should not be wasted on thoughts of "what to wear."

These uniforms were plain and simple, for there was no time for fashion. They were made of synthetic fabrics like polyester, nylon and 15% cotton.

The goal of such uniforms was to make sure the girls looked square. No curves allowed, for curves are distractions, especially to the post pubesent boys.

They succeeded. No curves are found in khaki, box pleated skirts and square, dark blue sweater vests.

No curves, no color and if you showed too much skin you would get a blue uniform violation slip and be sent to detention for an hour.

"I will not be different. I will conform to the uniform standard that is set in place for the success of my education and future career."

Everything was uniformed...except the shoes.

We were able to wear anykind of shoe, that is as long as they were brown, black or navy blue.

And so...every summer I went on the hunt for the perfect shoes: One brown pair and one black pair.

I rebelled against the 1 inch heel rule, just as I rebelled against the rule that stated all skirts must hit below the knee cap. And whenever certain teachers came around, I would do this thing where I would bend just a little and get shorter (which isn't too difficult when you barely reach 5'5" in two inch heels) and they wouldn't seem to notice the rebel that I was when it came to fashion.

Once out of high school, that desire to have the perfect shoes followed me.

Shoes make me happy, because there is a satisfaction in shoes that no other kind of clothing can give you. Whether they be mules, slingbacks, stilletos or even cute flip flops, you can always find a good pair of shoes (except for esperadille's, they make my ankles look fat.)

But there is truth in what I am saying. It doesn't matter what stage of life I'm in, I can always find shoes that make me feel...pretty. During those wretched " lady days" when nothing fits, my shoes always fit. During most other days when nothing fits, I can always find shoes.

I go on these hunts for perfect shoes. Many times, when events are coming near, I will pick the shoes before I choose the dress. I will spend countless hours going from store to store, comparing, admiring, etc.

I haven't felt my feet since 1998, but that's ok with me, because as far as I'm concerned, the prettier the shoe, the more they hurt.

This is why my husband thinks I have a problem. That, and I tend not to notice how much I spend. But is that really a problem? I can control it anytime I want to.

I'll prove it. I will walk into Aldo's and not buy anything. I'll head over there right now. Where's that wagon?

P.S - I found these at http://www.piperlime.com/. I love that site, they have great shoes for good prices and if you are lucky you can find them on clarance. These of course are not on clearance. Are they not the hottest shoes ever! I'm coveting them so much!

Perfect Creation

I was driving yesterday and I heard on the radio that there are over 20,000 species of butterflies in the world. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were talking about, but for whatever reason that statement caught my attention and I began to think about that some.

God, in all his majesty and perfection, when He created the world, decided to create 20,000 kinds of butterflies. In fact, according to some research that I did, He more than likely created so many more but we can not tell how many due to extinction, even in the last decade.

I started to think about butterflies. They are the only insect I am not afraid of. They are beautiful and graceful. When I see one, I stop and keep my eye on it for a while. I point it out to others around me.

If you look at butterflies, no matter the type, they are all different. Monarch butterflies, for instance, have the same colors, perhaps some of the same markings, but if you are able to look closely, no two are the same. There is color variation, they are different sizes and maybe have differnt lines or spots.

The beautiful thing is that God knows each by name. He took the time and created each line, each color, each spot for an insect whose average life span is one month.

And I have to think, He cares so much about creating a butterfly to be unique and perfect, he must care the same for me and for my family.

God doesn't make mistakes. He cares for every detail of my life. And not only did He create me to be unique and unlike anyone else in this vast world, He created my marriage to be unique. My love story is like no one else's in the world. My child is unique, he is like no one else in the world. My family is unique, they are like no one else's in the world.

What is considered a perfect butterfly? There is no such definition. God did not give us perfect for a reason.

Adam and Eve were perfect in mind, heart and they probably had perfect bodies, but they were unique. Different. Of course, once Eve ate the fruit, the rest of us were bound to a scale!

And after the fall, perfection was lost.

But God did not stop creating the unique. And I believe that every person is a unique individual who God has placed in my life for a reason.

God gave me my unique character and qualities for a reason. He allowed me to have imperfections, so that He could be glorified in restoring and renewing them. He created my marriage with all it's imperfections so that my husband and I could see that we can not do it alone, but HE can make it perfect and pure and lasting. He gave me my child, with all his imperfections so that I could learn patience, strength and pure love. He gave me my family, my mother, father, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, all of them, with all their imperfections so I could learn to forgive, to be gentle and to encourage.

We can not deny that God is working. Always. Constantly.

He has created us so we can strive for righteousness and truth. He does not make mistakes, no matter the mistakes we make. In His eyes, with his gentle hand, everything can become perfected. Our marriages, our relationships, our children, even ourselves. It is a process, but He can bring us through it if we allow him to.

He doesn't give up.

And neither should we.

My Comfort

We have been together for so long,
you and I.

You have been my comfort,
my friend in time of need.

To know you are near
is to know that nothing bad can happen.

You were there for me in the begining,
especially during those long,
never ending nights
of weeping and wailing.

Those moment of pure exhaustion
were finally settled
because of you.

When I was restless
and nothing seemed to soothe,
I would find you,
and sleep would come.

You were there at 3 o'clock in the morning
when my child was rolling over
and unsure of what to do.

When he was hungry,
you kept him content for an hour
and sometimes two.

You were there
to comfort him when he fell.

You were there
when the screaming and tantrums began.

You have always been there.

And now, "They" say
I must send you away.

"They" say
I must break free from you.

What am I to do without you?

How can I get through this time
without you?

What will I do
when he doesn't get his way?

Or when we are out and about
and he can't have a cookie?

I'm not ready to give you up.

To some you are a binkie.
To others a paci.

But to me, you are his tete.



I can't do it. I'm not ready to let you go.

Jesus Loves...My Son, this I Know

A few days ago I had one of those days. A day when nothing was going according to plan, patience was no where to be found, nor was obedience on my son's part.

I was struggling.

It was hard to just be; let alone be mommy, cook, maid, entertainer, teacher and friend.

Truth...lately I've been struggling with some crazy stuff in my life. God has been taking me through a refinement period and it has been intense and exhausting at times. Days seem to go by in a blur and so many times I feel almost outside of myself, as if I am merely watching what is going on, but not participating in my own life.

It is hard to be a woman when you feel empty. It is hard to be a mom when you feel inadequate. It is hard to be a friend when you feel replacable. It is hard to be a wife when you feel unappreciated and undesirable.

BUT...

God has brought me so far. He has taught me that all these thoughts, doubts and pits that I fall into are nothing more than lies. The truth will set me free and I must believe the truth. No...I must transform and renew my mind to know the truth.

The absolute truth - My God is the only one who can fill me to overflowing. God completes me and He is enough. God has placed me, positioned me and purposed me for such a time as this. God desires me.

And on this particular day, when such lies were beating at me and when I could barely raise my head, I got out of my house, put my son in his car seat and turned the ignition. And as soon as the car turned on, my Life Song came on.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying when my feet are on the ground.
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now.

I am strong all because of you.
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move.
I am changed, yesterday is gone.
I am safe from this moment on.

There's no fear when the night comes round,
I'm in better hands now.

This song has ministered to me so much in the last few months. I am believing and singing those truths into my life. When it came on I felt relieved and encouraged. It was as if God was saying, "I have you in my hands, remember that."

But do you know what the most amazing moment was after that? As soon as that song ended, the DJ came on and was talking about something or other and my son asked me to put on his favorite song, "Mighty to Save." I was about to tell him that I did not have a remote and could not play the song ( thanks to our DVR, my son thinks that everything can be seen/heard at a push of the button on the remote) and before I could even get the words out, "Mighty to Save" came on the radio and my son says, "Tank tcho, mommy."

I was overwhelmed. Awestruck.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I said, "Mommy didn't do that baby, say thank you to Jesus." And he replied, "Tank tcho, Jejus."

God was telling me, "I love you. I will lift you up. And you know what...I love your son too."

"I stand in awe of every mountain that you move. I am changed, yesterday is gone." - Better Hands Now, Natalie Grant

Mondays

I have never been a fan of Mondays.

I don't care for them and could really do without Mondays. Tuesdays are ok, by Wednesdays I have found my groove and Thursday is the day before Friday which is the day before Saturday. My whole week anticipates Friday night and Saturday.

If I'm lucky, my beloved comes home earlier than normal on Fridays. Fridays are date nights or movie nights, hang out with friends night or just play with Sammy night, either way, we enjoy our Friday nights. Saturday then comes around and we run errands and go to all kinds of events from Birthday parties to weddings, church outings, or maybe a venture out to local stores for things we need to spend money on.

Sundays are church days. We love our church. I know without a doubt that the Park is the GREATEST church in the world! We serve in different ways at the Park on Sundays, we come home for a quick nap and then to small group. So Sundays are pretty busy for us.

AND then come dreaded Mondays. On Mondays, I barely get out of my Pajamas. We eat microwavable food all day. I have no energy on Mondays. Orlando (my husband) is back at work and it's back to just Sam and I again. I drag all day long on Monday. In fact, I will confess that Mondays tend to be movie days. My house is clean from the weekend and by Monday night it is dirty again with dishes piled high and kitchenware all over the counters.

I suppose I should remember that "this is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

I should reflect on that...on Tuesday.

1:30 p.m. - The Perfect Hour

It's 3:42 p.m. and I have been all over the Internet for the last few hours.

I have read a few blogs and laughed out loud. I have checked my email...twice. I talked to my husband for about ten minutes. I have "window" shopped everywhere from Bed, Bath and Beyond to piperlime to toysrus. I have rejected two calls from telemarketers. I have accomplished so much of nothing.

It's wonderful.

How have I done all of this, you ask? Let me explain.

Everyday I am allotted a certain amount of time of peace. During this time I do not hear any crying or screaming or roaring (Sammy's likes to pretend he's a lion). I do not hear my name being called over and over and over again until I impatiently yell, "WHAT, I'm right here!" I am not needed to obtain juice, or clean up spills of that juice or wipe up pee because of that juice. I do not have to play along in the precious games of a toddler or watch the same "Curious George" show for the fifteenth time. I do not have to translate every word that is said to me or praise anyone or recognize anthing or discipline.

How is this all possible?

Two beautiful words...NAP TIME.

At 1:30 I am a free woman. I can browse. I can nap. I can watch The E! True Hollywood story. I can clean? Yeah right! The crazy thing is, I can clean if I want to. I can do anything in these few precious hours. No one can take them away.

Wait...Oh no, not yet...nevermind...he's awake.

Until tomorrow then.

"I Hold You"

My son has quite a vocabulary for being just barely two. He has tons of catch phrases and every day he has a new word or phrase that he is constantly repeating.

For a while he was going around telling me "I funny Mama." Then, he became my "Handy Sammy" and was walking around with his daddy's tools saying, "I fix it mama." It wasn't until one day he walked up to me with a screwdriver and said, "I fix you mama," did I think I had any problems! Lucky for us, his birthday came around and thanks to some great friends, he now has his own set of tools that he can hammer away with, rather than trying to fix his mothers' craziness.

Not long ago I began the trend of lying to my child by telling him he can't have something like cookies or a popscicle because "we were out and had to go to the store to buy more." So now, when I say, "Sorry bud, we are all out of cookies," He emphatically states, "Buy more mama."

As you can probably tell, life is a lot of fun right now and we never know what Sammy is going to say next, which makes us a bit nervous about what we say and keeps us censored as best as possible.

His newest catch phrase is my favorite of all though. Everytime he wants me to carry him he says, "Mama, I hold you."

I don't hold him, he holds me.

Perhaps it's his independence that has him share his desire this way, or maybe he actually has better insight than most of us.

How many times in this life do we say, "God hold me, carry me through this." "God I don't want to walk through this, hold me please." But the thing is, we should instead cry out to Him as my baby does and say, "God, let me hold you. I hold you God."

I want to get to the point where instead of calling on God and saying, "Lord, hold me," I want to desire him so much where instead I say, "Lord, I want to hold You. I don't want to let you go." When I hold on to God, I am sure and confident. I have purpose and my heart is healed.

When Sammy holds me, I feel safe and as if all things are perfect in that one moment. And he knows that when he holds mama, he is safe and content and all his hurts will be kissed away.

I want those moments to last forever, but as soon as I get a big hug, he wriggles away and goes on to build blocks or watch TV and walks away until the next time he needs to hold me.

How I desire to keep my little one in my arms as long as possible. To be the arms he runs to; to hold on to. The crazy thing is that soon this little man of mine won't want to hold me. I can look into the future and though I can't wait to see what the world holds for him, at the same time, I'm also afraid of what the world holds.

The only thing I can do is teach him that he can't hold me, he has to hold God. I can't give him everything he needs the way we are use to, because someday he is going to need something I don't have or can't give him.

So when he is 8, 15 and 22, I hope he remembers to say, "God, I wanna hold you," and that he holds on with his whole heart.

And maybe I can learn to do the same.

Life

When I was younger, I was a typical girl...a girly girl, a romantic at heart. As a young girl I day dreamed a lot. I dreamed of all this life would offer.
The beauty it would all bring.

I dreamed of a home filled with fun and laughter and love. Children dressed up, perfect and inncoent and charming. A handome price who kissess me when he comes home from a hard day of provding for his well deserving family. And at the end of each day, we would all sit at the dinner table and enjoy our happiness.

It was all so sweet in my head.

Perfect. Beautiful. Naive.

When reality hits, it leaves this crazy mess all around.

My life is beautiful and "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Fortunately, I still am a romantic and my home is filled with fun and laughter and love, because let's be honest...who has time to cry about it!

My child is a perfect two year old. He is smart and funny and bossy. He is almost potty trained except for that fact that he is constantly peeing on my carpet at least twice a week. And he is always perfectly clad in his little man clothes from The Gap and Gymboree. He loves his clothes, even at two and that is why, if he gets one single drop of water on them, they come right off so that they will not get any more "dowty" (dirty). And by the end of the day he is in his favorite outfit of all...his underware (if I'm lucky!) And he revels in his nakedness as long as he can, free from all garments that hinder.

My husband finally comes home to his castle. He soon kisses me after greeting the dog and the naked child. Then glancing at the pile of dishes in the sink and tripping over the toys that flood the living room, he asks, "What did you do all day?"

And finally, we sit at the dinner table with Larry the cucumber singing in the background and well...

This is real life. My Life. My Beautiful, Crazy Life.