30 Something and Lost

I sat at my computer, tears streaming down my face. 

My children were playing...somewhere.

I honestly didn't know what they were doing. 

I read the article over and over and over again to try to process the words...

the ideas...the audacity. 

I couldn't do it. 

I didn't even know where to begin or how or... 

I shut my computer off 

and pushed the feelings, the fear, the fierce foreshadowing 

that had me in a choke hold  and I walked away. 

I simply couldn't handle any of it. 

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 

Everything I ever worked for was to obtain those titles. 

My goal was to be awesome!

I wanted to be a combination of June Cleaver and Lorelai Gilmore.

I wanted to bake cookies with my babes and raise them up well and Godly and secure and at the same time I wanted to be fun and spirited.

That's how I became distracted. 

Distracted from the Truth.

Distracted from who I was following.

Distracted from God's purpose for my life.

I shifted my eyes away from the One I was following and 

looked up to ideals and desires that I had placed above my line of vision.

My ideals seemed to be good and Godly, 

Yet, instead of looking up and getting closer to heaven, 
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..."  

I became disoriented.

I started to look around.

I started to watch others around me.

I started to compare.

I couldn't measure up. 

So I did what I had to do...I started pretending.

I wasn't pretending for anyone who was perhaps watching me...

I was pretending for myself.

I was fighting for my own, self righteous ideals.

I was proud of my ideals and I could not let them go 
even though I knew in my heart that those ideals were suffocating me. 

I could not face the fear of what 
my struggles and failures would do to my life 
if I didn't attain them.

I became distressed.

I couldn't see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around. 
I lost the vision for direction in my life.

In the book of Numbers, the children of Israel had once again complained of being" taken out of Egypt to die in the wilderness" (21:5). And the Lord, tired of their constant whining, sends fiery snakes that bite and kill them. Of course, they come back to the Lord and beg Moses to plead with God to take away the snakes. 

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten when he sees it, shall live'" (Numbers 21:8)

I wonder how many couldn't see it?
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.

I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband. 
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.

My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.

I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.

My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all; 
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.

I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself. 

I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.

I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her 
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy, 
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life. 

I disconnected from that girl and I lost her.
I couldn't even remember who she was.

I became someone else.

I didn't have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath. 
I didn't have time for any of that. 
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any, 
let alone live any.
I didn't want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them. 

In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have, 
I lost my purpose. 

I lost everything I was created to be,
everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.


I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years, 
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.

I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if...

And so there I was, 30 something and lost.

I walked away that day in complete fear and despair; 
but by the Grace of my loving God, 
He didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.


Tomorrow I'll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.

You are His Beloved,                    

                   

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Created for Greatness

"You were created for greatness."

"You are a warrior for Christ."

"You are going to advance His kingdom."

"I can't wait to see the purpose He has for your life."

"You are a light in a dark world."

"He is going to use you in amazing ways." 

I tell these things to my kids daily. 

Whether they understand these truths or not, they hear me speak it over them so much that I believe one day they will KNOW these truths. 

My 8 year old sometimes rolls his eyes and says, "I know, I know...I'm a light in a dark world." And my 5 year old says, "I don't want to be a warrior, I want to be a princess!" 

And she is...God's Princess. 

I believe these truths for my children's lives, yet, I wonder...do I believe the same for my life?

Was I created for greatness? Was I created for more? 

Will He use me to advance His kingdom? 

The answer is that yes, we, " who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) were created for greatness. Ephesians 2:10 says that, "For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

We are His "masterpiece" or His greatest work.

 The God who created the majesty of the stars, 

who created rainbows and butterfly's and jewels of every color 

considers us as His greatest creation. 

He didn't just make us without purpose; 

He created each of us with different gifts, talents, personalities and He planned 

great works for each of us to do in order to bring glory to Him, our creator. 

Each of our lives, our gifts and callings are unique and His desire 

is that we use all of who we are and what He has given us for greatness. 

He desires that we will put to work 

each of our talents for His glory. 

That was His entire reason for creating you and I. 

Jesus understood the Father's purpose. 

He understood God's plan was to bring salvation so that 

"[none] shall perish but have eternal life" John. 3:16 NIV. 

He understood He was going to die a brutal death on the cross to accomplish God's plan. 

He also knew that in the short time that He was given on the earth, 

He had to work in order to bring God glory, 

"As long as it is day, I

must do the works of Him who sent me...while I am in the world I am the light of the world." John 9:4 -5, NIV. 

If we are to be like Jesus, we too must understand and believe

 that we were created for a purpose which will accomplish God's great plan; 

and, we are to work at what God has planned for us so that we can bring glory to Him, 

the One who sent us.

What is God's plan?

Salvation for the world. 

What is His purpose for us?

To use our unique personalities and gifts as lights in this world,

 like Jesus, so that those who are lost will be saved. 

"Thus says God, the LORD, who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and what comes from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it: 'I am the LORD, I have called you in righteousness, I will also hold you by the hand and watch over you. And I will will appoint you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the LORD; that is my name, my glory I give to no other...'" Isaiah 42:5-8 ESV.

He has called us, He guides us, He gave all of us the covenant or promise of Jesus, 

so that we can be a light to those in darkness.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY. 

It all seems rather simple, doesn't it? 

Yet, despite the simplicity, somehow many of us get tangled in the work of our calling. 

We complicate God's purpose for our lives because we let go of the hand that leads us 

to make our own way, for our own glory; 

only to find ourselves fallen into traps the enemy has set out for us. 

I'm guilty of that. How about you? 

A few weeks ago we celebrated my sons birthday at the downtown Aquarium. 

He had invited a couple of friends and of course, his cousins and little sister 

(tiny sister stayed with the grands for the day 

to free us up from chasing after a toddler as well!)

We of course had instructed the children to stay with us and not wander away. 

The girls were each holding hands and giggling, 

as the boys took the lead and my husband and I walked behind 

to keep them all in view. 

As we were walking, my Emma got distracted by something and let go of her cousins hand.

 She took just a few steps toward whatever had pulled her attention and then,

 just a quickly turned back and took hold of another little girls hand. 

Of course, the hand that she held did not belong to any of our girls! 

Emma quickly realized this and let go of the hand and looked around; 

disoriented by the crowd, she couldn't see where she needed to go

 or who to turn to.

She became distressed and fearful.  

Luckily, I had kept my eye on her and saw the entire ordeal. 

I quickly found my way towards her and took her hand in mine 

as we continued on to the next ride. 

In my life, I was like my Emma. 

I had a hold of God's hand and was walking along, 

being led by Him and secure in His hand. 

But, I got distracted. 

I pulled away to look for something else...something more. 

That moment of distraction caused me to be disoriented and led me to a path of distress and despair.  

For years I forgot my purpose in the callings and gifts He had blessed me with. 

Somewhere along the path of my life, 

I let go of His hand and I couldn't get a hold of the same grip I had before.

Even though I lost my way and couldn't see Him,

 He never lost sight of me.

He never took His eyes off of me.

I wasn't completely off the path. 

He called out to me and I tried to get closer to Him. 

I recognized His voice. 

I knew His call. 

The problem wasn't that I was lost. 

The problem was that I was disconnected.

Disconnected from the source of my life, my purpose and my guide.

He has created each of you for greatness, but unfortunately, many of us become:

Distracted from His purpose. 

Disoriented by the world that surrounds us. 

Distressed from the lack of vision.

Disconnected from the One who positioned us.  

We must keep our focus on He who sent us and our hand in His that leads us. 

We can not be faithful to what He has called us to

 if we lose sight of the work we are to accomplish for His glory. 

We can not be faithful to what He has called us to 

if what we are working for is not the work He has planned for us.

He created you for greatness;

Not because you are great, 

but because He who lives in you is 

"great..and greatly to be praise" 

Psalms 48:1 KJV.

Come back tomorrow as I talk about my distractions that caused disconnect. 

You are His beloved,                                                 

                            

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Vanity vs. Wal-mart

I have sunk rather low.

It is sad. Pathetic. Kinda gross.

Today I ventured out with my son to Wal-mart.

Let me say that though I am not completely against the store, it is not my favorite place to go. I like the low prices, I like the fact that I can get batteries, sippy cups and cereal all a the same place. I hate thier produce, I hate that even if I am looking for just one thing I still spend an hour there and I hate that it is rather far from me so I have to make a whole list of things in order for me to justify that I need to go over there.

But, today was one of those days. I made a list that included batteries, underware for my son, a back pack and lunch box for my son and a surge protector with a long cord.

I was having one of those scrub days. I woke up tired and achy and I feel like I have grown in the last hour.

I finally got out of my pajamas and put on a ratty t-shirt and some gauchos. I did take a shower but did not bother with my hair, I merely pulled it up in a pony tail with all my wisps sticking out. And so with no makeup on I put crazy in the car and we headed out.

On my way over I contemplated on putting on atleast some foundation and blush but this time laziness won over vanity.

You must understand that it is rare that I go out without makeup. I was taught at a young age that that just is not done. My mother always looks great and one of my friends once told me I always look so well put together. It is a vanity thing. It is a pride thing. It's not a good thing. I have come a long way, for in the past I would never had ventured out like this unless I had dark sunglasses on. What can I say, my confidence sometimes resides in my outward appearance.

So on my way to Wal mart I am vainly praying I don't see anyone I know there. And fortunately, I don't.

And of course, I fit right in. Everywhere I looked I saw people with no make up, too tight pants, muffin tops and grown women wearing t-shirts with tinker bell on them.

I wish I could tell you my lack of "put togetherness" was liberating, but it wasn't. Fortunately there are very few mirrors in walmart. But, it is nice not having to put on the mask, even the oil free, spf 15 kind every once in a while. I'm a work in progress and maybe someday I will have the courage to go to Target as carefree...but I always see someone at Target.

"Father my vanity gets me in trouble so many times. It's almost as if that vanity and pride are etched in me and you are the only one who can either mold it away or fill it with something else. Please continue to do a good work in me. I get so far and then I fall so many steps back...it is frustrating and so annoying! Thank you for not giving up on me and atleast teaching me to laugh at myself. In your precious name, Amen."

Likable me...

I had one of those days...no more like one of those weeks.

One of my struggles, one of my many struggles, is my desire to be liked. I want people to like me. I care about what people think about me. So much so that at times I will pretend or be what I think others want me to be.

Writing this, I feel very pathetic. But...it's truth. Crazy truth.

I became very aware of this and how wrong it is this past winter. It was one of the main things God was shaking, no, burning out of my life. And though I can rejoice and say I don't struggle with this as much, nor do I find myself pretending as much, like most, I sometimes fall into this hole.

I had my feelings hurt this past week. Perhaps it was not intentional, perhaps no one noticed, perhaps I took it all wrong. Either way I was hurting. And instead of going to God and saying help me with this, I put a couple of bricks on my walls of anger and resentment and bitterness. The bricks God and I had worked so hard at breaking, I quickly rebuilt.

And of course I became vulnerable. Vulnerable to attacks, vulnerable to my own mind and imagination. I went along, but my head tormented me. Immediately thoughts of low self esteem, envy and unworthiness plagued me.

I prayed, but my prayers weren't prayers of battle, but prayers of pity. "Lord, I thought we were done. Please take this away. Why do I feel this way. Why am I thinking this way..."

I needed to battle my mind, but I had left my armor. My guard was down. I retreated.

I was invited to go to the zoo with some great friends. Friends who I know love me and who I love dearly. Friends who would never think or do anything to hurt me. Friends I trust and who know me very well.

I was all for it. A day at the Zoo. Crazy kid loves the zoo.

But then my mind entrapped me. I began to cower. And instead of telling my head to shut up, I listened and retreated.

I said I wasn't going to go after all, I didn't want to bear the heat.

Yes, that was partly true. I hate being hot and that is one of the downfalls of being pregnant. But mostly...I didn't want to pretend. I didn't want to battle my mind the whole time. I didn't want to question everything I said or did. I didn't want to wonder what others thought.

I figured it would be better to be alone and deal with my head alone. Then of course, lonliness sets in very fast.

I should have gone. We would have had a great time. Sure I kept myself busy and I told myself it would have been too hot and I had other things to do but...truth hurts.

I let my mind win. I was the coward and I retreated.

I cried out to God. I filled my mind with his words and not my own. Finally.

Why couldn't I have done that in the first place. How much more and how many more times must I learn this again?

Why do I need to have others like me so much? Am I really that needy? Is this a real need or a void or simply a vulnerable piece of me when I have such feelings? I don't know.

Do I need people to show me they care or is it just when I feel this way? I was always taught not to be needy...but maybe I am, I'm just really good at pretending I'm not. So good I convince myself. I don't know.

Maybe I need to keep working on filling that need with Christ.

"Father, you know me. You know the number of hairs on my head. You know my weakness. I know all that matters is what You think of me and how I glorify you...but I need to keep telling my head that. My greatest desire is to need nothing but You...but I struggle with that. My flesh wants to be wanted, needed, liked. Why Lord? Father purify me of this selfish desire. Continue to mold me. Continue to cleanse me until I am your reflection. Remind me that I am worth far more than rubies and that you want me, you need me for your glory and you love me. Thank you Father for bringing me to my knees and reminding me that I am nothing without you. In your precious name, Amen."

Time is Precious

My heart has been heavy this week.
My spirit has been overwhelmed with so many emotions.

All I can do is pray and cry. I have been on my knees. I have questioned. I have searched. I have wondered and hoped.

Last week a friend of ours went to the doctor. He had been complaining of headaches for a while. He figured it was stress.

Test were done.

Soon after a phone call came from the doctor, "We have your results, you need to come in and bring your wife."

A brain tumor. They must operate. They don't know what it is. Benign? Malignant?

He's 35. He and his wife have three beautiful girls. They just had a sweet baby who is 7 months old.

God...what are you thinking? I wish I knew.

He had surgery this week. Everything went well and he is recovering well, though the tumor was malignant.

About a year ago our best friends went through a similar battle involving a parent with brain cancer. It was heart breaking and there was little for us to do. We prayed so hard. We waited for a miracle. We took in all the information we could. We prayed. We cried.

And as I prayed, I thought, "Lord, please don't let this come near my home."

The Lord works miracles. He is winning the battle, though it is ongoing, God is still moving and working.

In the last few years we have been touched by cancer. It was always one of those disease you hear about and now, I can name too many people who have battled. Some have won, others lost.

It has come closer to home, with grandparents and uncles. Please God, don't let it come any closer.

This week, this news shook me a little more so. Most people I know who have battled are older. They have lived good lives. Perhaps cut short, but older.

I kept thinking, "But God, he's our age. That's not suppose to happen. He has kids. They need him. His wife needs him."

Why?

All I know is that life is too short. Those little fights, those broken relationships, those every day struggles with people aren't worth anything. I want to live as if today is all I have. I want to forgive and move on. I want to love like crazy. I want to hug my kid everyday and hold him and tell him I love him. I want to kiss my husband everyday and hold him and keep that twinkle in his eye that is reserved for me and tell him how I love and appreciate him. I want to tell my parents and brother and my entire family that I love them. No matter the differences, no matter the disagreements. I want to put the past aside and say, I love you. Thank you for being in my life, for sharing in it all, for remembering it all. I want to encourage my friends and love on them.

I can't let any day go to waste. They are too precious.

"Father, I don't know the answers to the mysteries of this world. I don't know the answers to the why's, but I know you are in control. And I trust you. Jesus, help my friends. Pour peace and hope into them right now. Embrace them. Calm their fears. Heal, my God. Heal. Work a miracle. We are believing for a miracle. Embrace those babies where ever they are, bring them rest and peace. And father, for all the people who are sick I ask that you show yourself to them. Let them feel your presence. Let their hearts be softened to you. Father protect my home from such things. In your precious name, Amen."

BIG News

It is funny how God works sometimes. How He can instantly change your life in moments, while at the same time He continues to mold you into who He wants you to be. And that process is long, sometimes it seems never ending and it definitely has hills and valleys.

At the end of the day, whether life changes in an instant or in months or even years, we have to learn to trust Him. NO MATTER WHAT.

I have spoken before about the process that God has been taking me through in these last few months. A process that has brought me to my knees crying out to Him, a process that has purged me and purified who I was.

It has been a very trying process and I have seen so much victory and I feel renewed and like a new person.

Amidst it all God was showing me so many things.

He showed me sins that I had in my life that had to be resolved and purged. Generational sins that were evident in my family that had to be broken. Sins of envy, selfishness, judgement, pride and fear.

He showed me that my desire to be "liked" was a sin. That it did not matter what people thought of me, only what God thought of me. Let me tell you, when He told me that I broke. I was so good at pretending and at being what I thought others wanted. It was exhausting me, but in my head I had to continue because that's what people expected. He had to break me of such thoughts and evil desires.

Ultimately, He was teaching me to trust Him and He alone and to do that he had to renew my heart and mind.

You see all of these sins that I carried - envy, selfishness, judgement, pride, and fear - all of these sins were evident in my thought life.

I was worried as to how I would be portrayed or looked upon. I questioned the relationships I had with others, and I allowed my mind to think things such as, "They think they are better than me," "they are only pretending to like me," "They are judging me." My mind would think such lies and I would almost believe them. My heart and mind were battling because in my head such things were thought, but my heart knew the truth. I did not have control of my mind. It controlled me.

And because of such thoughts, my immediate response was pride, judgement and selfishness. I could easily blame others for my resentment, but it was all me. I allowed my mind to believe the lies. Because though I may have believed such lies, at the same time I was also believing, "I am unworthy," "I'm not needed," "I'm useless," and "no one cares if I am around or not."

In the end, I was lonely, I was empty and I was in a pit because I allowed my mind to win and lies to overcome the truth and I had put myself there.
Thank you Jesus for loving me so much that you put me in fire, that you opened my eyes, that you cleansed me and purged me and made me new. Thank you for getting me out of my own pit.

I'm going to be very vulnerable and open, but I want you to know what God can do and just how perfect and awesome He is.

Amidst all of these battles I fought, for I have been battling such oppressive thoughts for almost 4 months now, well actually, for my whole life, and God specifically told me one of the reasons as to why he was taking me through this.

My son is amazing. He is just like his father in action and deed. He talks like him, he imitates everything he does, and even at this age you can tell the kind of personality he has and the kind of person he will most likely be like.

My son has a friend wherever he goes. He is so friendly and greets everyone in the grocery store and in the mall and people love him. He is already outgoing and active and friendly.

I am not many of those things. I am very friendly, but it takes me a little while to warm up. I had close friends, but didn't like to be surrounded by people. I've changed a lot and I love being with my friends, but I still get a little nervous when there are lots of people around. That is not my son.

So...God told me that my son didn't necessarily have those sins I talked about earlier. He may have to break some of them off, but they wouldn't be the same for him as they were for me. However, my next child may have to work a little harder. And he said, I had to break them and change my heart and mind before I unknowingly filtered my fears and worries and pride and essentially, low self-esteem, into my other children.

In my secret of hearts, I want a baby girl.

I want pink and roses and ribbons and dresses.

But my head would say, I hope she's not like me. I hope she's outgoing and social and popular and beautiful. I always liked me, but for some reason I compared myself to everyone else and wanted to be and have what every one else had and was placing those thought onto my future children. Me, no matter how smart or fun I was, it just wasn't good enough.

When God showed me what I was doing, I was heartbroken. I never realized how wrong I was, how selfish, how sinful. But, he brought me through.

I can say with confidence that I have control of my mind, mostly. There are times when I think things, but I immediately see the lie and speak the truth. And now I know that I am renewed and not who I was.

We found out on Saturday that I am pregnant.

We were not trying. Our plans said, summertime, but, to God, there are no oops, and He said my child will be born, "for such a time as this."

Honestly, I was a little surprised. I knew before the test turned pink the truth, but I was a little afraid. I just started feeling like me, but I remembered all he brought me through and I realized, what better gift to have from my creator. What better show of approval and what better reward.

"Before I formed you in your mother's womb, I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

To all who are reading, no matter what you are going through, know that God has placed you, He has set you apart and He knows every bit of you.

I encourage you to allow Him to change your heart, to renew your mind and to mold you into what He desires. It is not easy, but it is so good. Ask your Father to open your eyes to your heart and to continually purify you so that you will be a child of excellence. It is a process, but it's a good one.

"The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Psalms 126:3

Security Objects

My son has a blanket. He loves his blanket. It is his "bie" (he possibly named it that since we at first referred to it as his blankie. He took out the "lank" and ended up with "bie.")

Lately, everytime we come home he immediatedly goes to "bie" and hugs it, kisses it and says, "I wove you, bie."



When his father was out of town for a week on business he began holding "bie" very close, putting it to his nose and smelling it.

And as of late, he wraps himself in it and pretends he is a baby. He begins crying and asking to be carried like an infant. A 34 lb. infant.




It is his beautiful, beloved "Bie."
His comfort, his friend.

When he is crying and frustrated, "Bie" makes him feel better. Comforted. Secure.

Some think it's cute. Other say I'm in trouble for letting him have a "comfort" object. I would think that most children have a security objects; Some have blankets, pacifiers, others have stuffed animals and I knew one sweet boy who would take his DVD's wherever he went. To them it is a piece of home, a comfort that is with them in this insecure world they are only begining to learn about and become a part of.

As adults, I ask myself, are we really much different? Don't we all have "security" objects? Perhaps not in the form of a blanket, but even still...Many of us are looking for security in so many different ways.

These "objects" make us feel better. Comforted. Secure.

How many times have I felt down, ugly, insecure? And to remedy my feelings I have been known to go out and buy new shoes, or jewelry or a shirt.

And I feel better. Comforted. Security comes in the form of patent leather and cotton.

How many times have I felt lonely or empty and I fill myself with ice cream or chocolate or bread.

And I feel quite full for a time afterwards. Comforted. Security comes in carbohydrates and sugar.

We all have times of struggles, where peace is gone, doubt reigns and all we desire is to be comforted - To be secure in who we are, what we have and where we are going.

Some of us search for that security and find it in our jobs, salaries, the attention of others, our children, spouses, comments on our blogs or even our church. We can search for it forever, but we will never find that comfort until we realize only God can give us the security we desire.

True security comes in trusting Him - His will, His plan, His purpose and His timing.

For so long I thought I trusted God. I believed He was my only comforter.

I was wrong.

I trusted Him with a few things, the things I knew I could not control even if I tried. I did not trust Him with the things I though I could control like my son, my husband, even my character. And because I hadn't given it all to Him, hadn't fully given myself to Him, I searched for security elsewhere, but couldn't find it. And soon, everything I trusted went away.

God placed me in a hard, empty pit and said, "Don't look to anyone but me. I'm here. I can save you. I have saved you. No one else can. Nothing else can. Not your husband, not your family. ME."

And I fought Him. I wanted the control so when things went well, I could get the praise and appreciation. And if things went wrong...it's easy to blame God. To say, "I thought you were in control." Truth - He won't take control if we don't let Him and actually entrust everything to Him.

We are taught that we can take care of ourselves, but we can't. Only God can. I had to learn some new lessons.

Now, when I walk into a room and feel unsure of who I am, I remember, "He is the lifter of my head (Psalms 3:3)."

When I feel unworthy or unattractive, I remember, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made (psalms 139:14)" by the One who made the heavens.

When I feel out of place, lost or even empty, I remember, He has purposed me "for such a time as this (Esther 4:14)" and He will fill me to overflowing (Psalms 23:5).

We all have struggles. Don't try to deny them, blame others for them or even try to fix them yourself. None of that works. Instead, go to your heavenly Father and tell Him.

"God I'm struggling. I'm fighting these feelings and thoughts constantly. I can't do this alone."

Go to the word and find truths. Fight your thoughts with scripture.

And remember, that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it (Phillipians 1:6)"

Lay it all before Him and find freedom and a new security in your Redeemer.

My Comfort

We have been together for so long,
you and I.

You have been my comfort,
my friend in time of need.

To know you are near
is to know that nothing bad can happen.

You were there for me in the begining,
especially during those long,
never ending nights
of weeping and wailing.

Those moment of pure exhaustion
were finally settled
because of you.

When I was restless
and nothing seemed to soothe,
I would find you,
and sleep would come.

You were there at 3 o'clock in the morning
when my child was rolling over
and unsure of what to do.

When he was hungry,
you kept him content for an hour
and sometimes two.

You were there
to comfort him when he fell.

You were there
when the screaming and tantrums began.

You have always been there.

And now, "They" say
I must send you away.

"They" say
I must break free from you.

What am I to do without you?

How can I get through this time
without you?

What will I do
when he doesn't get his way?

Or when we are out and about
and he can't have a cookie?

I'm not ready to give you up.

To some you are a binkie.
To others a paci.

But to me, you are his tete.



I can't do it. I'm not ready to let you go.