30 Something and Lost

I sat at my computer, tears streaming down my face. 

My children were playing...somewhere.

I honestly didn't know what they were doing. 

I read the article over and over and over again to try to process the words...

the ideas...the audacity. 

I couldn't do it. 

I didn't even know where to begin or how or... 

I shut my computer off 

and pushed the feelings, the fear, the fierce foreshadowing 

that had me in a choke hold  and I walked away. 

I simply couldn't handle any of it. 

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 

Everything I ever worked for was to obtain those titles. 

My goal was to be awesome!

I wanted to be a combination of June Cleaver and Lorelai Gilmore.

I wanted to bake cookies with my babes and raise them up well and Godly and secure and at the same time I wanted to be fun and spirited.

That's how I became distracted. 

Distracted from the Truth.

Distracted from who I was following.

Distracted from God's purpose for my life.

I shifted my eyes away from the One I was following and 

looked up to ideals and desires that I had placed above my line of vision.

My ideals seemed to be good and Godly, 

Yet, instead of looking up and getting closer to heaven, 
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..."  

I became disoriented.

I started to look around.

I started to watch others around me.

I started to compare.

I couldn't measure up. 

So I did what I had to do...I started pretending.

I wasn't pretending for anyone who was perhaps watching me...

I was pretending for myself.

I was fighting for my own, self righteous ideals.

I was proud of my ideals and I could not let them go 
even though I knew in my heart that those ideals were suffocating me. 

I could not face the fear of what 
my struggles and failures would do to my life 
if I didn't attain them.

I became distressed.

I couldn't see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around. 
I lost the vision for direction in my life.

In the book of Numbers, the children of Israel had once again complained of being" taken out of Egypt to die in the wilderness" (21:5). And the Lord, tired of their constant whining, sends fiery snakes that bite and kill them. Of course, they come back to the Lord and beg Moses to plead with God to take away the snakes. 

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten when he sees it, shall live'" (Numbers 21:8)

I wonder how many couldn't see it?
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.

I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband. 
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.

My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.

I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.

My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all; 
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.

I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself. 

I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.

I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her 
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy, 
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life. 

I disconnected from that girl and I lost her.
I couldn't even remember who she was.

I became someone else.

I didn't have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath. 
I didn't have time for any of that. 
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any, 
let alone live any.
I didn't want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them. 

In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have, 
I lost my purpose. 

I lost everything I was created to be,
everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.


I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years, 
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.

I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if...

And so there I was, 30 something and lost.

I walked away that day in complete fear and despair; 
but by the Grace of my loving God, 
He didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.


Tomorrow I'll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.

You are His Beloved,                    

                   

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He calls You Faithful

Our Love Letters 

A few weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our "dating" anniversary. 

3/3/96 until forever was written on countless notes and letters and cards.

This part of my life has been a huge part of my story...for 18 years. 

More than half my life.

I was thinking on it again and asking "What was the point of all that Lord?"

And He answered..."To prove your faithfulness to me."

"What???"

I honestly thought, "Shut up???" 

(yes, I actually told God to Shut up!)

"That's it? All those years of struggling and waiting just to show we were faithful? For real?"

And so I leaned on my kitchen counter

and I was overwhelmed. 

Stunned.

A truth was set in my life that I never knew or realized.

I have proven to be faithful. 

I am Faithful. 

All those years...

7 years...

I believed what His word said and I resigned myself,

 mind, body and spirit to His truths and His promises,

not knowing how it would all play out, but believing;

having faith and hope that He would work it all out.

I asked my husband later that day, 

"Did you ever in those years of dating and the long engagement...

did you ever question that we wouldn't stay pure until our wedding night?"

His answer, very matter of factly and without hesitation was, "No. I knew that no matter what, 

it was what we were going to do. 

I never questioned it."

Yeah...

no matter what...

we were faithful to what He had called us to do 

and what He desired of us. 

And he is right...we never questioned it.

In that one instant...

in that one answer...

all the lies I have struggled with all my life...

the lies of not being good enough...

not being strong enough...

not being able to finish anything well...

GONE!

Holy Cow!!! Set Free!

Because...

I have proven to be faithful.

We did what was not normal, 

what was difficult, 

what took a long time.

We honored and obeyed my parents despite not agreeing with them at the time...

We were faithful to both God and man.

Though we weren't perfect...

 we were faithful.

Here's the whole truth:

If you are walking in whatever it is He has called you to, 

no matter what season you are in; 

whether you are newly married, in college, early motherhood, empty nesting...

juggling and living and figuring life out day by day...

whatever it is...

If you are living your life according to the word of God and according to whatever He has called you to do...

you are being faithful to Him.

You are Faithful.

You are proving yourself to be Faithful just like Abraham and David and Ruth and Mary...

They weren't perfect...yet they were called Faithful.

So in the things he has called me to right now...

this season of raising babies and toddlers and homeschooling 

and making countless meals and washing too many dishes and laundry overload...

in all those things that no one sees me do...

He sees me 

and He calls me Faithful. 

Not because I'm perfect.

Not because I do everything well (you should see my laundry room) 

or because I do it without complaint,

but because I'm doing it as best as a fallen, 

selfish sinner who needs Jesus every single moment of every day can. 

I'm doing it for the least of these and therefore, I'm doing it for Him. 

And because of that...

He calls me Faithful.

Beloved, He see's YOU. 

He sees the love you give your children, 

the stories you read to them, 

the meals you make

the hours of playing barbies and xbox 

and watching Frozen clips for the millionth time

He sees you waiting, praying, hoping...

daily living.

He hears the encouraging words you say to your husband.

He sees when you respect and honor and uplift the man He gave you 

as your helper in this difficult life.

He sees the hurts, the sacrifices, the pain.

He cares about your future together. 

He sees every look, every caress, every smile, every tear. 

He cares about the loads of laundry, the daily sweeping, even the dog!

He sees the hard work you put in at your job, 

the hours away from your family. 

He sees you at the 3 a.m. feedings when you are exhausted.

He sees  you when you hold your baby in your arms and soothe his tender cries.

He sees you soothe every boo boo and pray against the monsters and bad dreams. 

He sees you in early morning as you frantically search for homework and permission slips and fund raising money and shoes that never are in the right place. 

He sees you in the 30 minute car pool line, 

the driving from ballet to piano to football and gymnastics.

He sees you holding broken hearts as you pray for the right words of sympathy and healing. 

He sees you battling teenage drama and heartache.

He sees you fighting for your children at every age.

He sees you at the foot of every little bed, as you kiss goodnight and pray for restful nights.

He sees you as you wave good bye each time they leave for that college dorm.

He sees how much you love others, 

the way you minister to your neighbor or co-worker 

or the little children in your Sunday school class and the friend who needs your love.

He sees You.

And for all these things and so much more,

He calls you Faithful.

"If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10

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Struggling, but Rejoicing.

I'm having one of those days....one of those days I use to have back in my pre-postpartm days. One of those days from 2008.

I'm struggling today.
But I'm fighting.
Trying.
Trying to fight.

Maybe it's hormones. Maybe I'm tired and my diet needs to change.

My family has been under a sickness attack and I'm not retreating, but I would really like to hide under a rock!

My little girl had a fever again last night. She feels warm today, but is acting fine so maybe it's over.
My house is a mess and I can't seem to get a hold of it!
My dog for the first timein 7 years, ever in her life...has fleas.
So I feel itchy all over.
And it grosses me out.

And I know it's all going to be taken care of today. Got the medicine, she's going to the groomers, etc. And I know my baby girl is feeling better and is getting better.

I'm just weak today.

But, I'm trying to fight.

I have praise music going and I am about to get out of the house.
And during my quiet time I realized that I have to focus on my kids. Enjoy them and revel in them. Nothing else matters but that.

So that's the plan.

This is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I WILL Rejoice.

"Once upon a time there was this young mother who almost had a nervous breakdown! She was tired, sick, had a huge tension headache which was not in anyway relieved by the high pitched screams of her 3 week old daughter. And of course, at the moment when she was worn thin, her two and a half year old son desperately needed her attention. She was in great despair and overwhelmed with frustration, guilt and defeat."



That was last Thursday.

The day had started off just ok. Despite all the hand sanitizing, Emma still managed to catch the nasty cold that is going around. Poor baby was super congested and no matter how much I sucked out of her little bitty nose, the mucus was overflowing!

The night had been better than the previous and I was fooled into thinking she was getting better. By mid afternoon, I started to feel the congestion hit.

I picked up Sammy from school and put in a movie for him while I fed Emma.

She had a hard time feeding, she started to scream...it was all downhill from there.

From about 2:30 to almost 5 she did not stop crying. Her feeding was all crazified because she would drink a bit and then scream, drink a bit and scream...etc.

I was at my wits end. I had no idea what to do. I kept sucking stuff out and she screamed louder. She was being overdosed with Saline and gripe water.

Then, of course, I was needed by my precious boy. He had left us alone for the most part for the first hour and in he comes..."Momma I want you to watch TV wit me. Pwease mommy?"

And the guilt poured down.

He kept saying, "Pwease mommy, come watch it wit me."

I tried to explain that baby was sick, but he kept saying, "but I want you."

So I lied and said I would be there in one minute.

Tears began to pour down my eyes. I was overwhelmed. I was feeling very sick , my head and body were aching and my precious baby girl would not stop screaming.

I had failed. I wasn't a great mommy. I had put my kid in front of the tv and left him there. I couldn't pacify my baby. I couldn't meet any one's needs. The feeling of confidence that I had days before when I thought, "Hey, I can do two kids. This ain't so bad..." those thought mocked me.

And finally, because I am still learning to give control to God and go to him first instead of fixing it all on my own, I began to pray.

You know the one..."Lord I can't do this, I'm desperate. HELP!!!"

My pathetic plea. And I have to ask myself...when will I ever learn. And as always, My God comes through.

I began to pray. And I desperately said, "Lord, I need help. I need encouragement. I'm being pulled and I can't handle this Lord. I need to know that someone loves me and is praying for me right now."

I'm not kidding you...a moment later my phone rings.

It's my dad.

In my life, my dad is my encourager,my support and mostly my reminder. Whenever things aren't going well or I am starting to doubt, he reminds me...to be strong in the Lord and the power of his might... To wait upon the Lord... That Joy comes in the morning... That he will give me the desires of my heart... That He will supply all my needs... To trust in the Lord with all my heart...

I pick up the phone and immediately start to blubber. I can't do this, I'm so tired, I am failing miserably, etc."

And he says, "Let me see what I can do, stop crying, be strong in the Lord and in the power of his might and I will call you back."

He calls back and says, ok, your mom is going to go over and spend the night so you can rest and feel better.

The baby finally fell asleep. I sat on the couch and watched the movie with my son and my mother came over and I slept all night.

God came through...he heard me, like he always does.

I have the best dad's in the world!

"Father, how many times have I been through this. How many times do I lose hope and strength. So many times I feel like I am failing and that I can't do this and then I am reminded that I can with you alone. You are my strength. I can do all things through You who gives me strength. Father, thank you for showing me how much you love me through the parents you have given me. Thank you for their wisdom and love for you. Please continue to give me strength. In your precious name, Amen."

Jesus Loves...My Son, this I Know

A few days ago I had one of those days. A day when nothing was going according to plan, patience was no where to be found, nor was obedience on my son's part.

I was struggling.

It was hard to just be; let alone be mommy, cook, maid, entertainer, teacher and friend.

Truth...lately I've been struggling with some crazy stuff in my life. God has been taking me through a refinement period and it has been intense and exhausting at times. Days seem to go by in a blur and so many times I feel almost outside of myself, as if I am merely watching what is going on, but not participating in my own life.

It is hard to be a woman when you feel empty. It is hard to be a mom when you feel inadequate. It is hard to be a friend when you feel replacable. It is hard to be a wife when you feel unappreciated and undesirable.

BUT...

God has brought me so far. He has taught me that all these thoughts, doubts and pits that I fall into are nothing more than lies. The truth will set me free and I must believe the truth. No...I must transform and renew my mind to know the truth.

The absolute truth - My God is the only one who can fill me to overflowing. God completes me and He is enough. God has placed me, positioned me and purposed me for such a time as this. God desires me.

And on this particular day, when such lies were beating at me and when I could barely raise my head, I got out of my house, put my son in his car seat and turned the ignition. And as soon as the car turned on, my Life Song came on.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying when my feet are on the ground.
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now.

I am strong all because of you.
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move.
I am changed, yesterday is gone.
I am safe from this moment on.

There's no fear when the night comes round,
I'm in better hands now.

This song has ministered to me so much in the last few months. I am believing and singing those truths into my life. When it came on I felt relieved and encouraged. It was as if God was saying, "I have you in my hands, remember that."

But do you know what the most amazing moment was after that? As soon as that song ended, the DJ came on and was talking about something or other and my son asked me to put on his favorite song, "Mighty to Save." I was about to tell him that I did not have a remote and could not play the song ( thanks to our DVR, my son thinks that everything can be seen/heard at a push of the button on the remote) and before I could even get the words out, "Mighty to Save" came on the radio and my son says, "Tank tcho, mommy."

I was overwhelmed. Awestruck.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I said, "Mommy didn't do that baby, say thank you to Jesus." And he replied, "Tank tcho, Jejus."

God was telling me, "I love you. I will lift you up. And you know what...I love your son too."

"I stand in awe of every mountain that you move. I am changed, yesterday is gone." - Better Hands Now, Natalie Grant