A flower by any other name...

With my first two kids I had names picked out. I knew exactly what their names would be, no pronblem.

When I was pregnant with my first born my husband wanted a boy. He was not ashamed to speak it out loud, he wanted a boy and that was that. I was a little worried that it may not be a boy for his sake, but I wanted a boy too. I always liked the idea of having an older brother.

And sure enough...it's a boy! We named him Samuel.

I loved the name and I loved that story of the bible. Paraphrasing, Hannah was barren and wanted a baby so badly. She goes to the temple and is crying like a mad lady and Eli comes to her and is like, "are you drunk lady?" And I totally relate to this because when I am really upset or sad about something I can cry like a blubbering fool! So then she asks for a son and sure enough she gets preggo and has a son and then, after the baby is weaned she gives her son to God and he becomes the greatest prophet, Samuel.

I just love that.

Samuel means, "asked of God."

And that's what I did. I asked God for a son. A son who would be strong and independent. A son who would be like his daddy in so many ways. A son who would love the Lord with all his heart and would commit his life to Him. A son who would be a leader, a good brother, a good friend.

And I got that. He is a sweet boy. A great big brother. And he is just like his dad! Strong and independent (Ok so maybe I didn't know what I was gonna get!) He is worth all of it!

When I was pregnant with Baby girl I knew I was having a girl. The Lord had told me this and he said that I neede to really work out some of my issues before this precious child enetered the world. I was going to have a sweet baby girl who in many ways would be just like me...and she so is! I would have a baby girl who would carry with her some of the things I needed to truly break from my life so that I could help her break them so much earlier in her life.

It was a hard pregnancy, not physically, but emotionally. We had grandparents die within a month of each other, we had storms, real ones and metaphorical ones come in and tear up our home and tear up my mind.

It was a pregnacy filled with tears, guilt, fear, sadness.

I had such guilt for the feelings I had, because I felt like my faith was almost nothing. I couldn't trust the Lord and that tore me up inside.

And then Emma came. And in hold my precious baby girl, my faith was restored. Every fear, every tear vanished. She was my saving grace. She reminded me that no matter what was going on around me, after a year of pain and fear and insecurity, she was a christmas gift with a big red bow that reminded me that God is always with me.

Emma means " God is with us."

And so with baby #3 I was very much torn on what to name baby.

We found out it was a girl a few weeks ago! A sweet baby girl, wrapped in pink! I love girls :)

We were between two and I really couldn't decide. I wanted her name to mean something, to be as significant as my other two. I was explaining this to my husband while we were getting ready for church.

At church this past Sunday, during praise and worship I was praying that the Lord would tell me the name. That I would just know without a doubt.

And then this song came on and tears started pouring down. The bridge was sang and I was filled with joy and peace...

"Jesus Messiah

Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel...

All our hope is in You

All our hope is in You
All the glory to You, God
The light of the world."

We have been blessed in naming our baby girl, Elleyna Ruth Portilla. Elleyna means light and my prayer is that she will be just that. A light to our family and everyone she meets. A light in this dark world.


"Dear Father, I am so excited to meet my sweet girl. Two girls! I pray over their relationship, I pray over their friendship. I pray for my son, that he will be thier protector and that he will be in love with both of them. That he will treasure his sisters and see what a blessed boy he is. I pray for Elleyna, that she will be all that her name means and more. Thank you for such blessing. In your precious name, Amen."

Leaving a Legacy

I am fortunate to be a part of a family that has a legacy.

I have 4 grandparents. Both sets married over 60 years. Both sets who sacrificed, loved and lived. All 4 have loved the Lord their God with all their hearts.

I have two grandparents left here on this earth.

And last week my grandfather suffered a stroke and in all honesty we are praying that the Lord calls him home soon; that his state of unrest and discomfort will be lifted from him as he enters into Glory to Glory.

So that will leave me with one grandmother left on this earth. And she is strong in mind and body and probably will live to be a hundred.

I truly hope so.

I have comfort in knowing that I will see my loved ones again...without a shadow of a doubt.

They are reveling in the warmth of the Son and the beauty of the Spirit in the presence of God almighty; their creator and savior. 

I was thinking of all this as we wait for perhaps what is the inevitable. And I thought...I am a very blessed woman.

My grandparents have lived more than half their lives loving and praising the God that gave them the breath that they breathe.

They have served Him, served others and been certain of His loving kindness, mercy, grace and forgiveness.

I am blessed because of their obedience in serving Him. I am blessed because they taught my parents of the one true God. And my parents taught me to...

" Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deutoronomy 6:5-9

They have left a legacy behind. A legacy of following after the Lord.

A legacy that I will teach to my children. A legacy that will be impressed upon their hearts. A legacy that is bound upon them and written on our homes and our gates. A legacy that will be theirs and their children's and their children's children.

 

"Thank you Father for my family. For my Grandparents and parents who have dedicated their lives to following you. Keep them in the palm of your hand. Be with my sweet grandfather today and in the coming days as his soul prepares to enter into Your grace. Not our will father, but Your will be done. In your precious name, Amen."

Pickles and Cereal

I am at my computer drinking pickle juice...

What do you think about that!?!

So this pregnancy has been a little different from the others...and somewhat the same.
I'm sick. In fact, if you ask my little girl what mommy does all day she sticks out her tongue and says, "Bleh."

Gum is my saving grace. Not the fruity kind, anything pepperminty or wintergreen. Chewing it all the time! For whatever reason it keeps the queeziness down.

And then there are the cravings. And I don't know if they really are cravings or more like this tastes good right now and I don't want to heave it up.

Pickle juice...olives (yuck), ice, popscicles, cereal...those are my main food groups!

That is what I am surviving on. 12 Weeks and counting!

Grow peanut, grow!

I'm gonna go and finish my pickle juice now :)


"Father God, growing a baby is hard work. It zaps all energy out of me. And living on cereal probably isn't helping. I need your grace to get through the rest. I am hoping that the ickiness is over soon! And I am so happy despite it all. You are so good. Keep my baby in your hands. In your precious name, Amen."

Exhaustion

I have never been so tired. I don't remember being this tired in my other pregnancies.

Have I mentioned that I am tired.

Falling asleep as I type tired.

So....this blog will have to go on hold till I have more to say because....I'm tired.

Truth- my house is sort of a mess and I haven't done laundry in like two weeks. I have to get some loads in because my son has one pair of underwear left that are clean.

So I am praying for renewed energy. Because....I am so tired.

Growing a peanut is hard work.

"Father, I am weary, I can barely keep my eyes open. There are morning where I fall asleep on the couch and I don't know what my children are up to in that hour or so. Thank you for TV and movies. Thank you for mercy and grace during this time. Father, tenderly carry me through this and give me a renewed strength to get through each day. In your precious name, Amen."

We're having a baby...

I will take on the tiredness,
I will take on the nausea.

I've never been thrilled about the stretchmarks
and I don't like the uncomfortable sleepless nights.

Pickles and Ice cream have never been my crave,
but sweet tea and cocoa puffs are yumm (though not together!)

9 months and counting. 40 weeks.

Grow my sweet baby, for the Lord has numbered your days
and knew you were growing in me before I did.

I am called to motherhood one more time.
How good and sweet it is!

"Father, I am beyond thrilled. Lord, bless this pregnancy. Make it sweet and healthy. Cover my baby in my womb. Let this pregnancy be the best one yet! In your precious name, Amen."

I surrender All

I've been thinking about surrendering to God and what that means and entails.

I've been wondering if I have ever, really, done that.

Really...

I've been a believer all my life. I have loved the Lord all my life. I have sought Him, I have found Him, I have pleaded with Him, I have cried our for Him, I have been blessed by Him, I have been humbled by Him, I have been healed by Him, I have felt His arms wrapped around me, I have felt as if I had lost Him.

I have grown, I have struggled, I have rejoiced, I have persevered...but have I surrendered everything to Him?

I guess the question is my answer.

I have surrendered many things. Mostly the easy things and even some of the hard stuff.

I have surrendered over my husband to Him, and even my children. I trust Him with them. It took a while and I still at times fear for them, but, when I do, I get my head in check, I pray over them and trust Him. I pray for them daily. Throughout the day. That's all I really can do and I trust Him.

I trust my home to Him. I surrender my earthly possessions to Him.

I even trust Him with my life.

But I don't think I have completely surrendered my life to Him.

I have given Him my life. I have asked Him to use me as his vessel...with conditions. I have confessed my sins, except for the real secret ones that no one really knows about and they really aren't that bad. I trust him with my future as long as it for the most part falls into place the way I have planned it out. I surrendered my dreams and I want them to work out the way I have dreamed them to work out.

So...I am missing something. I say I trust, but to a point.

I don't really pray for myself. I pray differently for myself than I pray for others. When I pray for others, I pray with conviction. I pray the word.

When I pray for myself, my prayers are more like pleadings.

Lord please help me today. Help me have energy. Help me get everything done. Help me not eat too much. Help me to drink water. Help me to get up and read you word. Help me to find time to excercise. Help me to be productive. Help me to speak turth and encouragement. Help me be a good mom. Help me be fun today.

See...pleadings. And as I write this I see a correlation in all these pleadings...it's all about me.

I haven't surrendered me.
If I had, I wouldn't continue to struggle and be defeated in these things. I would be victorious because of His strength and not my own.

And I haven't stopped fighting Him at times.

I haven't given up full control. I haven't surrendered.

What does surrendering mean?

I think surrendering all to God is giving in to Him daily. I don't think it's something we do once and we are free. I think it's a daily prayer, "Lord today I give over myself to you. My selfish ambition, what I want for me, what is not good for me, what I desire I put aside and ask that you fill me with what you desire instead. Make me hungry for you. Make me holy, refine me and then use me however you think is best and all for your glory."

That has to be a daily prayer. Because, we are selfish. We are born into sin and we want what we want when we want it.

If I want to be used by God with conditions, I am limiting Him to do what HE wants to do in my life for others.

If I want to be obedient and be free from bondage, but I can't let go of the little choices I make that yeah, maybe they don't hurt anyone, but they do hurt me because I am choosing to be disobedient.

I get this now. I want to surrender it all. I want to be free. I don't want to hold on to any of this anymore. I want to just let it Go. I want to know that I TRUST GOD. I trust Him. I can be free in Him. I can trust Him.


"Father, I surrender. I surrender. I surrender. Take my empty desires away and fill them with yours. Take my need to control things and fill them with rest. I can't do it all. I can't be strong without you. I can't do anything without you. I surrender. Everyday. I surrender. Fill me to be what you desire me to be."

On Waiting

Waiting...
Not so good at it.

Patience...

Still trying to grow in that.

Knowing that God has perfect timing...

I have been shown that so many times, you think I would get it by now.

And I do. Sorta.

My heart believes it, but my mind...well, I'm constantly trying to get it in check.

And so I wait.

We have been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months now.

So far...nothing.

We never had to really try with our first two, it was just fun and done!

And by try, I mean, we are still just having fun. I'm not going to any measures, just sorta timing it as best as possible, but that's about it.

And so, we wait.

It took me so long to be ok with the idea of having another one. Honestly, I'm still a little afraid of having another one. Pre- and Post partum depression is not fun. It's not fun at all.

I'm a little of afraid of going to the dark side again. I hate that place. But, this time I am prayed up and fighting with the only thing I can fight with, the Word.

I wasn't prepared for the battle with baby girl. I totally lost that one. I ran away, gave in, gave up. I believed every lie, cried every day.

I beleive that PPD goes further than just hormones, I know that has a lot to do with it, but I honestly believe that it is a spiritual battle.

How can we be the wives and mothers that God has called us to be and has blessed us to be when we can barely get out of bed in the mornings or when we are hiding in our rooms crying for no reason at all?

So, this time I am ready. I am praying against it, of course, but in case the darkness tries to take over, I'm fighting this time.

And in the meantime, I'm waiting. Maybe God is taking the time of waiting for preparing me and training me.

It's just hard waiting.

"Father, I make it a rule not to pray for patience :) but, I guess I'll break that rule and ask for a measure of patience. After months of fearing and not wanting, I'm ready. I think I'm ready. I want this. I desire one more. I don't think my family is complete. But when? Help me to be ready for whatever comes along and the whenever. In your precious name, Amen."