At 24 I was pregnant with our first child. One morning about
8 weeks into the pregnancy I woke up and I was spotting some. I called my
doctor and was told to rest and basically wait and see.
I prayed for my child, this precious, tiny, innocent human
being that was growing inside of me and I prayed for its protection and for God’s
hand to cover my womb.
I waited. The spotting stopped. The pregnancy continued.
A few weeks later my doctor confirmed that everything was
perfect and my baby was healthy and strong at 10 weeks.
At 9 months I was given the paper work that described my
medical history throughout the pregnancy with descriptions of every symptom and
concern. On the date of that first visit it said,
“possible natural abortion.”
I had never viewed my possible miscarriage as an abortion.
Fortunately, the abortion failed and Gods hand intervened
for the life of my son.
A couple of years passed and the Lord began to walk me
through different paths. In the early months of 2008, I faced many deep rooted fears
and struggles that had forever been a part of my life and the Lord began to
uproot those strongholds. It was a difficult time of learning to let go of
control that I so desired; little did I know that it was merely the beginning to
a very long journey of surrendering.
In April, I was finally feeling some sense of freedom and
normalcy when I had the suspicion that I was pregnant again.
We hadn’t been “trying” but there was this ONE night.
One Party.
No Protection.
No Thought.
No Plan.
And there I was buying a First Response box at Walgreen's.
We sat on the bed and waited…it was negative.
I sighed a huge sigh of relief.
I wasn't ready to have another baby. I was just feeling
normal again. I wasn't ready to have 2 kids. I wanted to enjoy this time and not
worry about being sick or tired or gaining more weight or preparing for
another.
It turned out First Response had a different response a week
later.
I trusted God’s timing, but the shame and guilt from the thoughts
I had one week prior overwhelmed me.
And I was afraid.
The next nine months would be torturous in many ways.
The Lord would take me to a place of complete despair and
total dependence on Him; He would take all my control so I would learn to
trust Him alone. He allowed me to get angry at Him and lose my faith in who I
thought He was supposed to be.
I lived in fear. The fear that the thoughts I once had about
my baby would cause a “natural abortion.”
I also feared the guilt that came with those thoughts.
Every time the nurse listened to the heart beat my heart would
stop until the rapid hum of her heart was heard.
Then one time, we didn’t hear her heart.
The nurse searched and prodded my growing belly…nothing.
I couldn’t breathe.
I prayed desperately seeking forgiveness for my thoughts a
few months earlier and pleading to hear a heart beat, to feel a kick, anything.
“Please God I want my baby. Please Lord, save my baby.”
The doctor finally came in to check…after 10 agonizing
minutes, the heart beat sounded clear and strong.
From that moment on I
feared something would go terribly wrong until I held her in my arms.
She was
perfect.
On Friday, a film called Obvious Child will be in
theaters across the nation and it will be proclaiming the message that having
an abortion is no big deal. It will show a young, 20 something woman making a “choice”
that is “normal” for many women like herself, and undergoing the "procedure" on film; and it will be claimed as a “shame
free, regret free, clear way.”
The film is a Romantic comedy about a young woman who drinks
a little too much, has a one night stand and becomes pregnant. The woman has a career to think of and a life to live and simply
can’t have a baby, but she does get the guy.
This film is hailed as the “most honest abortion movie I’ve
ever seen,” by Amanda Hess, from Slate.com.
According to this article from CNN, the producer, Elisabeth
Holm states that in the film, “(an abortion) happens but it doesn’t have to
define her.” She also states that they want to “humanize the experience” and
show that having an abortion is a “safe and healthy and also vulnerable
experience.” Holm states that, “This is an experience that many women go through
without shame and regret, but not without emotion.” Finally she states that her
hope for the film is that it “…makes people feel confident in who they are and
the choices that they make…And sometimes with confidence comes vulnerability – and
that’s a very human experience.”
Honest is defined as “honorable in principles, intentions
and actions.”
Those who say abortion isn’t a big deal and that there is no
guilt or shame in that “procedure” are bold faced liars, for their intentions are anything but honest.
Honest and abortion simply don’t mix.
I have never had an abortion.
I have never had to make that “choice,” but I have
experienced the fear of almost losing my 8 week baby to a “natural
abortion,” the same stage and age of more than 60% of all children aborted in
this country.
I’ve never had an abortion, but I had an unplanned pregnancy
and I experience the fear of “not being ready” and "bad timing." I also
experience the shame and guilt of those same thoughts.
Here is the Universal Truth: Whether or not you are ready to
have a child, whether or not this baby is planned, whether you believe this
baby is simply a fetus and not a living, growing human being; the truth is that YOU
WILL experience emotions from the moment you realize you are carrying a child
inside of your womb. You will experience for your entire life feelings of love
and joy, guilt and shame, fear and sadness, whether you carry this child to
term or not.
THAT is the Real, Honest, Vulnerable Human Experience.
Love, joy, guilt, shame, fear, sadness…all of these real
emotions are a part of motherhood and you are a mother whether you choose to
keep the baby growing inside of you or you choose to end her life and send her
to her unmarked grave.
I experienced every single one of those emotions the moment
the stick was positive.
Those emotions are honest and natural and normal.
I experienced every single one of those emotions and
continue to daily experience those emotions, including guilt and even shame and
my children are all healthy and strong and filled with life.
To say that you will not feel guilt or shame when you choose
to end the life of your child is foolish and audacious.
How dare anyone tell you what or how you should feel!
Those emotions are real and they will not simply go away
once you are sedated and sent home, because they are as much a part of who you
are as a human being and that is true vulnerability.
To go through the motions of having an abortion like the woman in the movie as if it was just another “to do” on her list isn’t honest or
vulnerable…it is dehumanizing and deceitful.
And that is true, you do have a choice.
But, the choice isn’t about being ready or not; the choice isn’t
about life or death and it isn’t about a baby or a fetus.
The choice is, what will you believe?
Will you believe the lie that says having an abortion isn’t
a big deal or a defining moment, or do you choose the truth that says having an
abortion will indeed define you for the rest of your life?
That choice; what you choose to believe, is not just about
the life of your child, it is about your life.
Will you choose to live a life
that is truly and honestly free from guilt and shame?
Will you choose a life that
will thrive and be given more choices than can ever be counted for both you and
for your unborn child?
The “Obvious Child” is the child that has been chosen to
live. The one in your womb is not the “obvious child” and according to Hollywood, is not the “obvious”
choice, but it is an “obvious” life and should be worthy enough to be given a
choice at living.
True vulnerability is not having control.
Real confidence in our choices is always vulnerable and in
that vulnerability is pure, honest humanity.
What will you choose?
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