I Wish I Could Tell You About Mommy

I was frustrated and angry.
Frustrated with the situation. Angry with myself.

If I was better...things like this wouldn't happen.
If I was more...

I was sneering at everyone who wasn't helping.
I was harsh with everyone who was.

As I was frantically trying to find the lost, misplaced object I heard a little voice behind me:

"Mommy maybe we can look for something else..."
"No," I said, hastily cutting her off, "we can't. Just leave me alone, I don't need your help so just get out of my way."

As soon as the words left my lips I felt the sting.
I had struck. Hard.
Immediately I saw the hurt look as she quickly turned and ran off.

I didn't call after her.
I didn't apologize.
I kept looking for the lost item and sank within myself.

I became the worst version of me.
I had let my own insecurities and frustrations take over.

Instead of being compassionate, I was harsh.
Instead of being loving, I was mean.
Instead of being patient, I was easily angered.
Instead of being gentle, I was callous.

My sweet little girl, I wish I could tell you about mommy's flaws...

Mommy is selfish. Sometimes mommy would rather not...sometimes she would rather not make 3 meals to serve and sometimes she would rather not clean up after everyone and sometimes she would rather not...

Mommy is scared. Sometimes...many times, mommy is scared of what she is called to do, of all the times she has messed up and of not being enough. Scared of failing...again. Sometimes mommy cowers to the what if's and staggers through the day.

Mommy is insecure, so she tries so hard to get it all together and in the moments when she doesn't...she stumbles. Hard and face first.

But God's truth...baby girl, God's truth is what you have to hold on to. God's truth is what will bring us together. God's truth is what will help you and I heal and grow and love despite the flaws and imperfections.

God's truth covers all my flaws. God's truth makes me pure and brave and enough.

I wish I could tell you it won't happen again.
I wish I could guarantee that mommy won't be mean again.

But in those moments when I forget the truth, my darling little girl, help me to remember.

Be my gentle reminder of truth as I look into your soft blue eyes that are filled with
light and song and imagination.

The truth is that You are worth it.

You are worth serving and loving well.
You are worth all the scared.
You are worth all the callings and the failed attempts.
You are worth all the fears of what if and not enough.
You are worth all the insecurities and the stumblings.

And because you are worth it...
I will serve you and love you until my dying day.
I will do what I am called to do...and if I have to, I'll do it scared.
I will walk this path I am on no matter how many times I fall or fail.
I will face the fears and pray that God will fill in the gaps.
I will rise up every time I stumble...again and again.

Today and everyday I will choose Jesus and, therefore, I will choose you.

Today I will call you to my arms and rest in both His and your forgiveness.
Today I will take the hurt and pain I caused you and hold you and kiss you and love you well.
We will mend. We will bond.

He will sustain us.
He will cover us.
He will make us better.


You are His Beloved,

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30 Something and Lost

I sat at my computer, tears streaming down my face. 

My children were playing...somewhere.

I honestly didn't know what they were doing. 

I read the article over and over and over again to try to process the words...

the ideas...the audacity. 

I couldn't do it. 

I didn't even know where to begin or how or... 

I shut my computer off 

and pushed the feelings, the fear, the fierce foreshadowing 

that had me in a choke hold  and I walked away. 

I simply couldn't handle any of it. 

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 

Everything I ever worked for was to obtain those titles. 

My goal was to be awesome!

I wanted to be a combination of June Cleaver and Lorelai Gilmore.

I wanted to bake cookies with my babes and raise them up well and Godly and secure and at the same time I wanted to be fun and spirited.

That's how I became distracted. 

Distracted from the Truth.

Distracted from who I was following.

Distracted from God's purpose for my life.

I shifted my eyes away from the One I was following and 

looked up to ideals and desires that I had placed above my line of vision.

My ideals seemed to be good and Godly, 

Yet, instead of looking up and getting closer to heaven, 
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..."  

I became disoriented.

I started to look around.

I started to watch others around me.

I started to compare.

I couldn't measure up. 

So I did what I had to do...I started pretending.

I wasn't pretending for anyone who was perhaps watching me...

I was pretending for myself.

I was fighting for my own, self righteous ideals.

I was proud of my ideals and I could not let them go 
even though I knew in my heart that those ideals were suffocating me. 

I could not face the fear of what 
my struggles and failures would do to my life 
if I didn't attain them.

I became distressed.

I couldn't see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around. 
I lost the vision for direction in my life.

In the book of Numbers, the children of Israel had once again complained of being" taken out of Egypt to die in the wilderness" (21:5). And the Lord, tired of their constant whining, sends fiery snakes that bite and kill them. Of course, they come back to the Lord and beg Moses to plead with God to take away the snakes. 

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten when he sees it, shall live'" (Numbers 21:8)

I wonder how many couldn't see it?
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.

I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband. 
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.

My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.

I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.

My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all; 
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.

I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself. 

I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.

I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her 
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy, 
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life. 

I disconnected from that girl and I lost her.
I couldn't even remember who she was.

I became someone else.

I didn't have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath. 
I didn't have time for any of that. 
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any, 
let alone live any.
I didn't want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them. 

In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have, 
I lost my purpose. 

I lost everything I was created to be,
everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.


I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years, 
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.

I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if...

And so there I was, 30 something and lost.

I walked away that day in complete fear and despair; 
but by the Grace of my loving God, 
He didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.


Tomorrow I'll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.

You are His Beloved,                    

                   

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Created for Greatness

"You were created for greatness."

"You are a warrior for Christ."

"You are going to advance His kingdom."

"I can't wait to see the purpose He has for your life."

"You are a light in a dark world."

"He is going to use you in amazing ways." 

I tell these things to my kids daily. 

Whether they understand these truths or not, they hear me speak it over them so much that I believe one day they will KNOW these truths. 

My 8 year old sometimes rolls his eyes and says, "I know, I know...I'm a light in a dark world." And my 5 year old says, "I don't want to be a warrior, I want to be a princess!" 

And she is...God's Princess. 

I believe these truths for my children's lives, yet, I wonder...do I believe the same for my life?

Was I created for greatness? Was I created for more? 

Will He use me to advance His kingdom? 

The answer is that yes, we, " who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) were created for greatness. Ephesians 2:10 says that, "For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

We are His "masterpiece" or His greatest work.

 The God who created the majesty of the stars, 

who created rainbows and butterfly's and jewels of every color 

considers us as His greatest creation. 

He didn't just make us without purpose; 

He created each of us with different gifts, talents, personalities and He planned 

great works for each of us to do in order to bring glory to Him, our creator. 

Each of our lives, our gifts and callings are unique and His desire 

is that we use all of who we are and what He has given us for greatness. 

He desires that we will put to work 

each of our talents for His glory. 

That was His entire reason for creating you and I. 

Jesus understood the Father's purpose. 

He understood God's plan was to bring salvation so that 

"[none] shall perish but have eternal life" John. 3:16 NIV. 

He understood He was going to die a brutal death on the cross to accomplish God's plan. 

He also knew that in the short time that He was given on the earth, 

He had to work in order to bring God glory, 

"As long as it is day, I

must do the works of Him who sent me...while I am in the world I am the light of the world." John 9:4 -5, NIV. 

If we are to be like Jesus, we too must understand and believe

 that we were created for a purpose which will accomplish God's great plan; 

and, we are to work at what God has planned for us so that we can bring glory to Him, 

the One who sent us.

What is God's plan?

Salvation for the world. 

What is His purpose for us?

To use our unique personalities and gifts as lights in this world,

 like Jesus, so that those who are lost will be saved. 

"Thus says God, the LORD, who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and what comes from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it: 'I am the LORD, I have called you in righteousness, I will also hold you by the hand and watch over you. And I will will appoint you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the LORD; that is my name, my glory I give to no other...'" Isaiah 42:5-8 ESV.

He has called us, He guides us, He gave all of us the covenant or promise of Jesus, 

so that we can be a light to those in darkness.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY. 

It all seems rather simple, doesn't it? 

Yet, despite the simplicity, somehow many of us get tangled in the work of our calling. 

We complicate God's purpose for our lives because we let go of the hand that leads us 

to make our own way, for our own glory; 

only to find ourselves fallen into traps the enemy has set out for us. 

I'm guilty of that. How about you? 

A few weeks ago we celebrated my sons birthday at the downtown Aquarium. 

He had invited a couple of friends and of course, his cousins and little sister 

(tiny sister stayed with the grands for the day 

to free us up from chasing after a toddler as well!)

We of course had instructed the children to stay with us and not wander away. 

The girls were each holding hands and giggling, 

as the boys took the lead and my husband and I walked behind 

to keep them all in view. 

As we were walking, my Emma got distracted by something and let go of her cousins hand.

 She took just a few steps toward whatever had pulled her attention and then,

 just a quickly turned back and took hold of another little girls hand. 

Of course, the hand that she held did not belong to any of our girls! 

Emma quickly realized this and let go of the hand and looked around; 

disoriented by the crowd, she couldn't see where she needed to go

 or who to turn to.

She became distressed and fearful.  

Luckily, I had kept my eye on her and saw the entire ordeal. 

I quickly found my way towards her and took her hand in mine 

as we continued on to the next ride. 

In my life, I was like my Emma. 

I had a hold of God's hand and was walking along, 

being led by Him and secure in His hand. 

But, I got distracted. 

I pulled away to look for something else...something more. 

That moment of distraction caused me to be disoriented and led me to a path of distress and despair.  

For years I forgot my purpose in the callings and gifts He had blessed me with. 

Somewhere along the path of my life, 

I let go of His hand and I couldn't get a hold of the same grip I had before.

Even though I lost my way and couldn't see Him,

 He never lost sight of me.

He never took His eyes off of me.

I wasn't completely off the path. 

He called out to me and I tried to get closer to Him. 

I recognized His voice. 

I knew His call. 

The problem wasn't that I was lost. 

The problem was that I was disconnected.

Disconnected from the source of my life, my purpose and my guide.

He has created each of you for greatness, but unfortunately, many of us become:

Distracted from His purpose. 

Disoriented by the world that surrounds us. 

Distressed from the lack of vision.

Disconnected from the One who positioned us.  

We must keep our focus on He who sent us and our hand in His that leads us. 

We can not be faithful to what He has called us to

 if we lose sight of the work we are to accomplish for His glory. 

We can not be faithful to what He has called us to 

if what we are working for is not the work He has planned for us.

He created you for greatness;

Not because you are great, 

but because He who lives in you is 

"great..and greatly to be praise" 

Psalms 48:1 KJV.

Come back tomorrow as I talk about my distractions that caused disconnect. 

You are His beloved,                                                 

                            

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He calls You Faithful

Our Love Letters 

A few weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our "dating" anniversary. 

3/3/96 until forever was written on countless notes and letters and cards.

This part of my life has been a huge part of my story...for 18 years. 

More than half my life.

I was thinking on it again and asking "What was the point of all that Lord?"

And He answered..."To prove your faithfulness to me."

"What???"

I honestly thought, "Shut up???" 

(yes, I actually told God to Shut up!)

"That's it? All those years of struggling and waiting just to show we were faithful? For real?"

And so I leaned on my kitchen counter

and I was overwhelmed. 

Stunned.

A truth was set in my life that I never knew or realized.

I have proven to be faithful. 

I am Faithful. 

All those years...

7 years...

I believed what His word said and I resigned myself,

 mind, body and spirit to His truths and His promises,

not knowing how it would all play out, but believing;

having faith and hope that He would work it all out.

I asked my husband later that day, 

"Did you ever in those years of dating and the long engagement...

did you ever question that we wouldn't stay pure until our wedding night?"

His answer, very matter of factly and without hesitation was, "No. I knew that no matter what, 

it was what we were going to do. 

I never questioned it."

Yeah...

no matter what...

we were faithful to what He had called us to do 

and what He desired of us. 

And he is right...we never questioned it.

In that one instant...

in that one answer...

all the lies I have struggled with all my life...

the lies of not being good enough...

not being strong enough...

not being able to finish anything well...

GONE!

Holy Cow!!! Set Free!

Because...

I have proven to be faithful.

We did what was not normal, 

what was difficult, 

what took a long time.

We honored and obeyed my parents despite not agreeing with them at the time...

We were faithful to both God and man.

Though we weren't perfect...

 we were faithful.

Here's the whole truth:

If you are walking in whatever it is He has called you to, 

no matter what season you are in; 

whether you are newly married, in college, early motherhood, empty nesting...

juggling and living and figuring life out day by day...

whatever it is...

If you are living your life according to the word of God and according to whatever He has called you to do...

you are being faithful to Him.

You are Faithful.

You are proving yourself to be Faithful just like Abraham and David and Ruth and Mary...

They weren't perfect...yet they were called Faithful.

So in the things he has called me to right now...

this season of raising babies and toddlers and homeschooling 

and making countless meals and washing too many dishes and laundry overload...

in all those things that no one sees me do...

He sees me 

and He calls me Faithful. 

Not because I'm perfect.

Not because I do everything well (you should see my laundry room) 

or because I do it without complaint,

but because I'm doing it as best as a fallen, 

selfish sinner who needs Jesus every single moment of every day can. 

I'm doing it for the least of these and therefore, I'm doing it for Him. 

And because of that...

He calls me Faithful.

Beloved, He see's YOU. 

He sees the love you give your children, 

the stories you read to them, 

the meals you make

the hours of playing barbies and xbox 

and watching Frozen clips for the millionth time

He sees you waiting, praying, hoping...

daily living.

He hears the encouraging words you say to your husband.

He sees when you respect and honor and uplift the man He gave you 

as your helper in this difficult life.

He sees the hurts, the sacrifices, the pain.

He cares about your future together. 

He sees every look, every caress, every smile, every tear. 

He cares about the loads of laundry, the daily sweeping, even the dog!

He sees the hard work you put in at your job, 

the hours away from your family. 

He sees you at the 3 a.m. feedings when you are exhausted.

He sees  you when you hold your baby in your arms and soothe his tender cries.

He sees you soothe every boo boo and pray against the monsters and bad dreams. 

He sees you in early morning as you frantically search for homework and permission slips and fund raising money and shoes that never are in the right place. 

He sees you in the 30 minute car pool line, 

the driving from ballet to piano to football and gymnastics.

He sees you holding broken hearts as you pray for the right words of sympathy and healing. 

He sees you battling teenage drama and heartache.

He sees you fighting for your children at every age.

He sees you at the foot of every little bed, as you kiss goodnight and pray for restful nights.

He sees you as you wave good bye each time they leave for that college dorm.

He sees how much you love others, 

the way you minister to your neighbor or co-worker 

or the little children in your Sunday school class and the friend who needs your love.

He sees You.

And for all these things and so much more,

He calls you Faithful.

"If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10

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Message of Truth

From the Message...




Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.


1 John 2:15-17

His Grace is Enough

We have been sick over here. Lots of sick.


And I'm tired. Tired of the sicky.
The kids have been sick. I have been sick.
Luckily I have been sick more than the kids. Which is better than sick kids though not much.


I was finally able to get some medicine and was starting to feel better when all of a sudden...baby girl is sick.


AUGH!!!


Seriously! Augh!


Sick of being sick!


Here's the thing. I came to a revelation. Enlightenment.


For two years life has been...at times a struggle. Hard. Tiring. CRAZY!


I went through an emotionally difficult pregnancy, house issues from Ike, and the loss of two grandparents.
I walked out of 2008 ready for better. Ready to be new...to not be that sad, depressed girl of the year before. I had a new baby and I was ready for a new me.


But 2009 was...strange...up and down...My husband's job was secure, praise God, but going through lots of changes. Too many changes. Not fun changes. A lot of decisions had to be made. Move or stay. More money, promotion or wait?


We waited because God told us to wait. Wait on Him. Wait for more. Wait.


Waiting is hard. Waiting sometimes.., well it sorta sucks!


2009 passed with little change.


And then, God moved. The waiting was over. The depression of 2008, the tiredness and stress of 2009 were over. God moved.


A new job. A wonderful, more than what we could imagine job came through.


And for the first time in two years I can say that I am 100% me.


I feel stronger, better...me.


I think I have grown so much in the past two years.  My faith was tested it failed me...and by it failing it grew by leaps and bounds...more than my faith has ever been in my entire christian walk. I have learned to trust the Lord more. I have become a better wife...a better christ follower. I am careful with my words, I am encouraging, I am not judgemental and not as proud as I use to be.


I'm a better me. And I love it.


All that being said, I haven't really enjoyed this time of sweetness, of this new me, of blessing because...I've been sick.


The enemy thinks he's slick, doesn't he? Everything else is beautiful, but all he has to do is make me physically ill and he thinks he is able to take away that Joy. That Peace. The things I have been patiently waiting on for years now!


I DON"T THINK SO!


I KNOW that no weapon formed against me shall prosper! And I am not going to let this sickness take over my joy and peace that I have been waiting for for so long! NO WAY! I am going to sing and dance and Praise my God despite it all! Because this time is sweet. It is precious. The enemy has taken too much time away and I am not giving him anymore! So if he thinks I am going to fall into that dreary, sad, poor me pit again, he's got another thing coming!


My God is good. He is so Good. He is my healer and my provider. And he is healing me right now. He is healing my kids right now. And we are going to revel in this time. Revel in his blessings.


I am going to enjoy life like never before. I've been to ugly. I was ugly! I will not go back. And if it get scary again. If it gets ugly again, and it can very well get that way because this is the life we live in, then I will face that ugly and scary head on and I will know how fight and how to praise and how to pray and how to have faith and trust that My God is protecting me and fighting for me.


"Father, thank you for this time of sweetness. I have missed it. And it is so good. Help me to revel in it. To enjoy it. To hold on to it. Thank you for this peace and this Joy. It is so precious to me and I am not letting it go. Thank you for the fire Lord. It was hard. It was painful but I have been purified and am more complete. I know I have a lot more to learn and a lot more growing but I am willing and wanting it because it makes me a better me, a better wife, a better mom and a better friend. I love you Lord. In your precious name, Amen."

Mother of 4...don't think so!

You know that convesation you have with your beloved...the conversation that starts..."So...we done yet?" Are we done having kids, that is.



Well, that conversation has been brought up here and there the last few.



After baby girl was born lots of people asked, "So when are you gonna have another one?" Or, "are you ready for a third?"



Are you FREAKIN' kidding me! Seriously...asking a mother of a newborn those questions is just not that bright.



I mean...can we get a few hours of uniterrupted sleep first before we jump on that wagon. Or I don't know...let's see what life is like when toddler and baby are both mobile! Yeah...let's cross that realm first!



Nonetheless, God in his great wisdom and grace made that newborn phase shortlived. As I have said before here, baby girl is in that very easy to manage stage. She sits pretty, isn't mobile (and I am secretly hoping she won't be for a while) and is all smiles and pretty predictable. She cries when she is hungry, dirty or bored. Piece of cake.



So you see how God tricks ya...I mean here you are thinking, "I got this!" HA! How we easily forget!



And then before you know it you find yourself thinking, "should we have anotherbaby?"



Husband says no. He is pretty sure he is done. He is happy with two. His reason being that with only two no one ever has to ride alone on a rollercoaster.



Yeah, brilliant, I know.



I really don't know. Still on the fence. All I know is that I don't want to regret anything.



This week my neice and nephew are staying with us as their parents travel to get thier adopted #3, Ava Berhenesh, from Ethiopia.



So I am getting a taste of what more kids would be like. And let's just say...I'm tired.

"Precious Lord, thank you for my beautiful kids and for my neice and nephew who are sweet and so good with my kids and so much help. Lord, I don't know if I want anymore kids. What do you think? Is our family complete? Lord help me know your will and be without doubts. Thank you that you always take care of every detail and know the plans you have for us all. In your precious name, Amen."