30 Something and Lost

I sat at my computer, tears streaming down my face. 

My children were playing...somewhere.

I honestly didn't know what they were doing. 

I read the article over and over and over again to try to process the words...

the ideas...the audacity. 

I couldn't do it. 

I didn't even know where to begin or how or... 

I shut my computer off 

and pushed the feelings, the fear, the fierce foreshadowing 

that had me in a choke hold  and I walked away. 

I simply couldn't handle any of it. 

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 

Everything I ever worked for was to obtain those titles. 

My goal was to be awesome!

I wanted to be a combination of June Cleaver and Lorelai Gilmore.

I wanted to bake cookies with my babes and raise them up well and Godly and secure and at the same time I wanted to be fun and spirited.

That's how I became distracted. 

Distracted from the Truth.

Distracted from who I was following.

Distracted from God's purpose for my life.

I shifted my eyes away from the One I was following and 

looked up to ideals and desires that I had placed above my line of vision.

My ideals seemed to be good and Godly, 

Yet, instead of looking up and getting closer to heaven, 
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..."  

I became disoriented.

I started to look around.

I started to watch others around me.

I started to compare.

I couldn't measure up. 

So I did what I had to do...I started pretending.

I wasn't pretending for anyone who was perhaps watching me...

I was pretending for myself.

I was fighting for my own, self righteous ideals.

I was proud of my ideals and I could not let them go 
even though I knew in my heart that those ideals were suffocating me. 

I could not face the fear of what 
my struggles and failures would do to my life 
if I didn't attain them.

I became distressed.

I couldn't see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around. 
I lost the vision for direction in my life.

In the book of Numbers, the children of Israel had once again complained of being" taken out of Egypt to die in the wilderness" (21:5). And the Lord, tired of their constant whining, sends fiery snakes that bite and kill them. Of course, they come back to the Lord and beg Moses to plead with God to take away the snakes. 

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten when he sees it, shall live'" (Numbers 21:8)

I wonder how many couldn't see it?
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.

I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband. 
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.

My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.

I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.

My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all; 
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.

I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself. 

I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.

I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her 
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy, 
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life. 

I disconnected from that girl and I lost her.
I couldn't even remember who she was.

I became someone else.

I didn't have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath. 
I didn't have time for any of that. 
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any, 
let alone live any.
I didn't want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them. 

In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have, 
I lost my purpose. 

I lost everything I was created to be,
everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.


I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years, 
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.

I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if...

And so there I was, 30 something and lost.

I walked away that day in complete fear and despair; 
but by the Grace of my loving God, 
He didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.


Tomorrow I'll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.

You are His Beloved,                    

                   

Linking up with these great blogs! 

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

He calls You Faithful

Our Love Letters 

A few weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our "dating" anniversary. 

3/3/96 until forever was written on countless notes and letters and cards.

This part of my life has been a huge part of my story...for 18 years. 

More than half my life.

I was thinking on it again and asking "What was the point of all that Lord?"

And He answered..."To prove your faithfulness to me."

"What???"

I honestly thought, "Shut up???" 

(yes, I actually told God to Shut up!)

"That's it? All those years of struggling and waiting just to show we were faithful? For real?"

And so I leaned on my kitchen counter

and I was overwhelmed. 

Stunned.

A truth was set in my life that I never knew or realized.

I have proven to be faithful. 

I am Faithful. 

All those years...

7 years...

I believed what His word said and I resigned myself,

 mind, body and spirit to His truths and His promises,

not knowing how it would all play out, but believing;

having faith and hope that He would work it all out.

I asked my husband later that day, 

"Did you ever in those years of dating and the long engagement...

did you ever question that we wouldn't stay pure until our wedding night?"

His answer, very matter of factly and without hesitation was, "No. I knew that no matter what, 

it was what we were going to do. 

I never questioned it."

Yeah...

no matter what...

we were faithful to what He had called us to do 

and what He desired of us. 

And he is right...we never questioned it.

In that one instant...

in that one answer...

all the lies I have struggled with all my life...

the lies of not being good enough...

not being strong enough...

not being able to finish anything well...

GONE!

Holy Cow!!! Set Free!

Because...

I have proven to be faithful.

We did what was not normal, 

what was difficult, 

what took a long time.

We honored and obeyed my parents despite not agreeing with them at the time...

We were faithful to both God and man.

Though we weren't perfect...

 we were faithful.

Here's the whole truth:

If you are walking in whatever it is He has called you to, 

no matter what season you are in; 

whether you are newly married, in college, early motherhood, empty nesting...

juggling and living and figuring life out day by day...

whatever it is...

If you are living your life according to the word of God and according to whatever He has called you to do...

you are being faithful to Him.

You are Faithful.

You are proving yourself to be Faithful just like Abraham and David and Ruth and Mary...

They weren't perfect...yet they were called Faithful.

So in the things he has called me to right now...

this season of raising babies and toddlers and homeschooling 

and making countless meals and washing too many dishes and laundry overload...

in all those things that no one sees me do...

He sees me 

and He calls me Faithful. 

Not because I'm perfect.

Not because I do everything well (you should see my laundry room) 

or because I do it without complaint,

but because I'm doing it as best as a fallen, 

selfish sinner who needs Jesus every single moment of every day can. 

I'm doing it for the least of these and therefore, I'm doing it for Him. 

And because of that...

He calls me Faithful.

Beloved, He see's YOU. 

He sees the love you give your children, 

the stories you read to them, 

the meals you make

the hours of playing barbies and xbox 

and watching Frozen clips for the millionth time

He sees you waiting, praying, hoping...

daily living.

He hears the encouraging words you say to your husband.

He sees when you respect and honor and uplift the man He gave you 

as your helper in this difficult life.

He sees the hurts, the sacrifices, the pain.

He cares about your future together. 

He sees every look, every caress, every smile, every tear. 

He cares about the loads of laundry, the daily sweeping, even the dog!

He sees the hard work you put in at your job, 

the hours away from your family. 

He sees you at the 3 a.m. feedings when you are exhausted.

He sees  you when you hold your baby in your arms and soothe his tender cries.

He sees you soothe every boo boo and pray against the monsters and bad dreams. 

He sees you in early morning as you frantically search for homework and permission slips and fund raising money and shoes that never are in the right place. 

He sees you in the 30 minute car pool line, 

the driving from ballet to piano to football and gymnastics.

He sees you holding broken hearts as you pray for the right words of sympathy and healing. 

He sees you battling teenage drama and heartache.

He sees you fighting for your children at every age.

He sees you at the foot of every little bed, as you kiss goodnight and pray for restful nights.

He sees you as you wave good bye each time they leave for that college dorm.

He sees how much you love others, 

the way you minister to your neighbor or co-worker 

or the little children in your Sunday school class and the friend who needs your love.

He sees You.

And for all these things and so much more,

He calls you Faithful.

"If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10

Click here to see where I am Linking up

       

Tomorrow is the first of many fun nights...

Tomorrow begins a new tradition here in our home. 


A new, fun family night. 


I have been waiting for this year. This time. This day. 


Tomorrow will be our first ever- 


Family Movie Night!!!


Woohoo!


I am a movie lover. I'm the type of person who calls movies, films. The Oscars is my Superbowl. I hate when they make replicas of old films because they never do as good of a job as the original, i.e. Guess Who with Ashtom Kutcher, ugh! Ashton Kutcher v. Sidney Poitier! Seriously? What where they thinking?


Anyways. 


As I was saying...I love films. I love cinema. I love original songs and cinematography...I love a good movie.


I don't like, um, stupid movies that have no reason for being. (Yeah, I know I am sort of a snob when it comes to films). 


What's a good movie? You ask.


Steel Magnolias, Saving Private Ryan, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, The Bachelor and the Bobbysoxer, The Blindside, Remember the Titans, Covergirl, Singing in the Rain, Thelma and Louise, anything with Morgan Freeman, Barefoot in the Park...and I could go on and on! Almost anything with Tom Hanks! 


Classic films, black and white, technicolor, musicals, comedies, tear jerkers, chick flicks...ooh The Philadelphia Story...I love them!


I grew up watching good films. My parents introduced us to good films. My mother taught me who Shirley Temple is and the artistry of Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. We had movie nights and shared in that. I loved it. One of our favorite games is to quote films!


I remember watching Casablanca with my grandmother in her room. Crying when they began singing La Marseillaise. 


I remember watching Shirley Temple singing "On the Good ship, Lollipop!" 


I remember watching Dirty Dancing over and over and over again..."Nobody puts Baby in the corner!"


I can't wait to share the movies I love to Sammy and Emma. I want them to know who Audrey Hepburn was and to appreciate how far films have come and how great they are and use to be. I want them to live in a world of imagination and to be able to experience films the way I did. 


I want them to think back to when they first saw Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and think of the fun they had with us. 


I want to see and hear what they think when Indiana is fighting the Nazis or when Marty goes back to the future or when Scarlet drives the buggy home to Tara or when Anakin turns into Darth Vadar! 


I can not wait. 


And so tomorrow is the first of these nights. 


We'll get out the blankets, make popcorn and put in the film!


What are we watching?

Alvin and the Chipmunks, The Squeakquel! 

Sweet Content

Life has been so sweet. It has been full of blessings and promises fulfilled. 


As I mentioned in this post here, I have been trying to not allow the enemy to take this time away from us and despite that we are still fighting against sickness. 


I had a moment or two of weakness this past weekend. And my sweet friend over at "The best is yet to come" reminded me to savor every moment and not keep looking for the better. 


Wow did I have to hear that!


We have a lot of planning going on over here for summer time. 


My husband and I LOVE summer! We are beach people. We like laying by the pool, going to the beach, soaking up the sun, etc. 


Our ideal vacation includes a beach and good tans! 


So we are ready! It was a cold winter and a rainy spring so bring on the sun! 


Anyways, we have a lot of plans for summertime. We are going on a trip to NYC sans children! I am so excited about this, you have no idea! I haven't been to Manhattan since I don't remember when and our trip is booked, musical tickets are ready and woohoo! 


We are also traveling with my family to Alabama for a family trip. I am very excited about this as well. It's going to be lots of fun, on the beach every day! Love it! Plus we will be celebrating my parents 30th wedding anniversary while there so it will be a sweet time with everyone. 


We also are planning a few trips to our local beach and a few to schlitterbaun as well. 


Anyways, with all this planning I suppose I have gotten ahead of myself. I love to plan. I love control over where to go, what to do, etc. I love lists and laying out all we can do! CRAZY! 


This is where my problem lies. Control. When I don't have control. When I can't plan. When I can't make lists I go a little crazy! 


So, this weekend I went a little crazy b/c I could not plan something, I had no control of it and I really had little power over it. 


I knew nothing nor could I do anything! 


This control freak was having issues! 


And then, I realized...this is just another thing that is taking away from my joy. Another things that is distracting me from this sweet, content, peaceful time. 


And it did exactly that. I was totally distracted. I was sad. I was frustrated. I wasn't enjoying anything. 


Last night my little girl was sick with fever. She woke up around 3:30 and I went up to hold her, soothe her and give her some medicine. Every time I tried to put her in her bed she would clench on to me, her little hands would grasp my shirt and her legs tightened up around my waist and she would start to wimper. 


So I held her. 


I was so tired. I was uncomfortable and her fever broke so my shirt was wet from her sweat. 


But as I sat there with her I felt such a peace and joy...total content. 


Yes, she was sick. I hated that. I had no control over her little body. I was tired, but I treasured that hour. I was able to hold and smell her sweet head and stroke her soft hair. She's getting so big I don't get to do that as much anymore. 


Sweet fulfillment. 


And whatever else comes along or doesn't, whatever plans I have, none of it matters; God has better plans and great blessings in store and in the meantime I will wait on Him and enjoy my gifts now!


"Father, I am constantly tested and thank God constantly growing! Thank you that I am not stagnant! Not anymore! Thank you for all you have blessed me with. Thank you for plans, they are good. We are going to have a great summer, we are going to have fun and enjoy this special time in our lives. You are so good! In your precious name, Amen." 

There's nothing my God can not do...

On Friday I was reminded of a song from my old sunday school days..."My God is so Big, so Strong and so Mighty, there's nothing my God can not do!"

Friday was the end all, hightened day of emotions. On that day, February 5, 2010 our lives changed by the mighty hand of God.

The God who put the stars in the sky, who knows every hair on our head, who speaks and it is...Well God spoke. He moved.


He had this planned all along and we were just waiting for his perfect timing and plan.


For about a year we have been waiting for something more. For the desires of our hearts.


My husband is a good man. He loves the Lord. He is a man of integrity and a hard worker. He has walked in favor in his career from the begining. God has always taken care of us through his career.


When he moved into a manager position, we sat on a friends couch and prayed that God would open doors for a job in our community.


And God moved. He moved the current manager to a better job and moved my husband to a promotion and job only 5 minutes from home. With a new baby at home, it was a precious few years.


And He has continued to promote him...but the last year we were stuck. Promotion meant moving.


Moving from a home we loved. Moving from the love of family. Moving from the support and dear friendships of an amazing church family.


We didn't want that. We didn't want to more our family and a new baby. We didn't want to move away from our family and our church.


But, "Lord if you want us to go because you have something better, we'll go."

2 Positions were offered. God said don't go, so we waited.


I was relieved. But it left my husband tired, discouraged, discontent and frustrated.


By the end of the year his position changed. Because of mergers and economic pressures, he was given a "promotion" with more work, more traveling and no incentives.


It was bleak. He was struggling.


But God moved.


He came through with an opportunity that we had been praying and hoping for.


An opportunity that was on a completely different road. Unlike anything he has ever done.


But it's good.


It's full of promise and potential.

It keeps us home. Our desire is to not move around chasing more or what seems better. We want a stable home where our kids can grow up and have the same friends, family close by to help and love them and a church family to do the same.

God always comes through. And I am always blown away and in awe. But I will never forget. He does hear our cries. He does listend and he holds us when everything looks bleak. And he says, "Wait for it Beloved, I have so much in store for you."

He knows every detail. He knows our fears and desires. And all we have to do is wait. It't hard and it hurts sometimes. I like a plan. I like knowing. But when all I know is that he began a good work and is FAITHFUL to complete it...that's enough of a plan for me.

What are you waiting for? Don't worry. He is working on it...and it is going to be so much better that what you could have ever planned!

"Father, thank you so much for this past year. It was difficult and tiring and hard. To see my man struggle and worry was heartbreaking. But you, dear Lord, you were working just you promised. What you had was better than we ever thought possible. The world may think it's crazy, but it is so good. It's perfect. Thank you for always taking care of us and forgive us when we forget who you are and what you are capable of. In your precious name, Amen."

His Plans

It's amazing how God knows and interweaves every single detail of your life together in perfect timing. Looking back in my life I am always dumbfounded over the way God figured stuff out, made a path, closed doors, opened windows, and yes, even smacked me a little...but through it all, His hand on my life was always evident.

He has always taken care of me and placed me where I needed to be, doing what I was meant to be doing and preparing me for whatever was in store.

And he is still preparing me for whatever comes next. He is still molding me and challenging me and I am in awe over all that he has done thus far and I am sure that when I look back in the next few months or so I will again be dumbfounded.

I don't know what God's plan is thus far for my family, but I know that he is preparing me for whatever comes along the way.

After having baby girl I was on a reading frenzy. What else can you do while you are pumping away! In the begining when I was only getting like 5 hours of sleep in a day I read fun reads. Reads where I didn't have to think much. And then I began reading more indepth, thoughtful reads.

And last month I opened a book that I have had in my library for years. In fact, I don't even remember when I got this book but I had never read it.

So I started reading...couldn't put it down. I was really moved by it and I connected with it...but little did I know that this book was God's way of preparing me for future events.

The book was about a Wife and mother who makes the change to another city, away from all that she loves and is familiar with, because her husband transfers for his career. The heroine struggles and is angry and resentful. But soon she see's that all was in God's plan because he brought her to that place for a reason and a purpose greater than her own plans and dreams.

This past month my husband and I have been discussing the idea of him transferring to another city. I have struggled with this. My heart aches over the idea. Fear transcends. Imagination takes over.

I have prayed and prayed over this. And I finally gave it to God and said, I trust you. You have never led us astray and you have always made your will clear in our lives. If we are to go it is beacuse that is what you desire...And wherever we go, you will be there with open arms ready to elevate us for your Glory.

So...I don't know if we are going anywhere...we are waiting on God. But I will obey...and I will trust...and I will be brave.

"Dear Father, thank you for clarity, for peace and for strength. Father thank you for creating me to be the strong and influencial woman, wife and mother that I am. I know I fail sometimes, and I know there are moments when I can't hide the tears or the fears, but I know that you are holding us. You know our fears and our pain, but You, my God, are in this place and any other place you lead us to. You will give us strength and you will always be glorified in our lives. In your precious name, Amen."

*Go Check it out...The Scarlet Thread - Francine Rivers