Monday, March 10, 2014

Questioning His Ways

The Lord has been stirring things in me since the beginning...or perhaps even the end of last year, you cane read more here.
It has been an incredible, awesome, hard, on my face before God kinda time in my life.
And in these months of pouring out my heart, giving up my heart and wanting nothing more than to be filled with Him, I have come to some amazing revelations in my life.

You see, I have been a believer all my life. I was faithfully taken to church as a's what we did. We went on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights and if it was revival time we were there all week!
My father would say, "We go to church when the doors are open and if you're sick, God will heal you when you get there!"

It was a part of question.

I Love the Lord. 
I have always wanted to know more of Him, more of His word. I gave my life to Him when I was 7 years old and I believed everything I was taught. I believed the bible with all my heart.

When I was about 7, my family and I were at a church event and a boy who was about 9 years old and his family sat in front of us. He was a nice boy and he talked to me and was very sweet to me. That night I told my mother I was gonna marry that boy. She must have thought I was "precious."
I didn't think about that much as years went by.

I grew up some and came out of that awkward 7th grade year and turned out to be cute, girly and always told I had a "sweet nature." When I was 14, and to my girlish delight, that same boy, now pubescent and about 16; he asked me for my number! To my parents horror, the words of "I'm gonna marry that boy" came back to haunt them!

15 and almost 17...

My parents were watchful: somewhat extreme to an adolescent, yet perhaps very wise to hold a tight reign on their over romanticized, naive, idealist and dreamy young daughter.
We weren't allowed to date alone. For a time our time together consisted of youth/church
events; and
we were typical 90's kids, so the phone was extremely important to our courtship!
We were good, "christian" kids. We both loved the Lord and believed His word. 
We both desired to follow Jesus.

We knew we were called to keep our relationship pure. It was the 90's, so that whole movement of "True Love Waits" was huge and we knew it was good and it was what we were to strive for in our relationship.
We were not perfect...even the most watchful of parents can't be everywhere!
But our hearts desired purity and we desired to please God.

We wanted to get married...That boy was about 18 and I was almost 17 and going into my senior year.
We were told that if we decided to marry before I finished college, my parents would not pay for college or a wedding and it would basically be against their will.
That was very hurtful and devastating at the time. I do not begrudge my parents at all for their decision, I understand their motives looking back, though perhaps, I'm not sure if I would do the
same (and I pray I never have to), but they held strong to their convictions and for than I am grateful...they were wiser for all their years, yet at the time, it was a hard road to follow.
Despite the hardship, we obeyed and waited and I did what I had to do.

I chose the quickest route to finish college and graduated from Baylor University on August 9th, 2003.
I started working as a High school English Teacher on August 14th, 2003.
We bought a house on August 28th, 2003.
We finally, after waiting a little over 7 years, got married on August 30th, 2003.
It was a busy month! And it was amazing!

Everything I had worked so hard for, cried and prayed for...My whole life's dreams culminated in that one August and more so in those first few years of marriage. God blessed us abundantly.

You know how people say that first year of marriage is the toughest...not for us. It was the sweetest time in our lives. The most fun and memory filled and happiest of days.

Three years later we had a baby! A son. I became a mom. My other dream came true. And a few years after a sweet
baby girl...and then another pink bundle.

For years, I have wondered why. Why did God allow us to be together at such a young age? And not just together...but in total "we want to get married and start our life now, but oh no we are only 15 years old" love! Why did He let us in on who our "person," "soul mate," the "love of my life", the " no doubt in my mind he is "the one," at such a tender and vulnerable age? Why did he let us walk through the years of waiting and striving for purity and messing up and starting over and the hurt and pain and guilt that came with all of that?

Those adolescent days hold some of my most precious, memorable, romantic and sweetest memories; and in spite of the long wait, I would not trade those days for anything and I would live them all over again without a doubt.

But, nonetheless, I always wondered why? Why me? Why us? What was it all for? 
I have thought this countless times and asked Him so many times. I always figured, "well maybe He'll use it for something...someday."

I didn't have any clue.

But in the light of day He has shown me truths about who He is and who I am and has answered so many questions I didn't even know to ask.

We will always have questions. We will always wonder what God is doing or planning or even thinking! There is no sin in that. The sin comes in when we go against what He is doing and instead, we do what we want to do.

The consequences to desiring our own pursuits can unravel your entire life and squander the purpose He has called you to. 

It's ok to get mad at God. It's ok tell Him you don't understand and tell Him that what He is doing hurts and stings and pulls and stretches. It's ok to be frustrated and even angry with Him.

He can handle it. 
He's a BIG GOD and you are His little child.

The same way your child gets angry and doesn't understand, as their parent know the reason and you also know that all they need to do is obey and trust you.

God is the same way. 

The key is, despite the frustration, anger or uncertainty of where He is taking you, you let Him lead you and take you and sometimes maybe even drag you. All you have to do is let go of you and hold on to Him, knowing He sees your entire story played out from beginning to end. 
And maybe one day, He'll let you in on all the why's.
Come back on tomorrow and I'll tell you more about my story...

"Commit everything you do to the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the LORD and wait patiently for him to act." 
Psalsm 37:5

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