Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A New Year...

Ok so...we have been up and down this week with various victories and defeats occurring in our household.

But...at the end of the day I have made a very conscious decision. A state of mind that I may at times have difficulty sticking with. Nonetheless...I'm going to do my best to stick.

Many of my readers, family and friends know that 2008 was not a good year. I would even go so far as to make a bumper sticker that says, "I HATE 2008," were it not for the precious baby girl that arrived as the most wonderful Christmas gift.

2008 began badly which included a very not so great family vacation, an ear infection and a very bad cold.

It continued on with more familial issues which led to a downfall for me. Anxiety, fear, overwhelming lack of self esteem, anger and resentment and no control over anything.

I fasted and prayed. Got a little better and then got pregnant. Not necessarily planned but I was learning that I couldn't plan everything. I was a bit nervous but excited.

And then came the nausea. I was overwhelmed with guilt that I wasn't paying attention to my son and was a bad wife because I could not do the things that I pride myself on like keeping the house clean or cooking dinner.

I started feeling better...life began to get back to some normalcy. My husband and I had a great get away. And a few weeks later, my husbands beloved grandfather passes. We grieved and mourned.

One month later Ike hit our home and down poured into my son's room.

3 days later, completely unexpectedly and with no warning, my precious grandmother passes. I still can't believe it. Even as I write these words my heart hurts. There are moments where I can't comprehend or...I don't know.

Life was in many ways unbearable. I was living in fear of "what is going to happen next." Nothing was controllable. I couldn't plan for my baby's arrival because the house was disheveled.

Of course, everything got done...almost at the last moment, but it was completed.

So now you see why 2008 was not a fun year.

But just as God promised, he gave me my reward. A precious gift all dimply and sweet. And perfect.

Everything has been perfect. She came at a perfect time, where both daddy and brother were able to bond and get to know baby girl and help me so much as I recovered. Delivery was easy. Recovery was easy. Perfect.

And despite the perfect I have found myself complaining. I am sure they are normal, "I have a newborn" complaints. But honestly, I am getting rather sick of them.

And I finally realized that yes, life is tiring right now, but God...I am so blessed. My baby is healthy and good and beautiful. I can tell she is going to be a sweetheart already. And my son...he is just amazing. He adores her and loves on her and I know he will protect her even when she doesn't want to be protected. And my husband...he loves us so much. He is my helper.

So...I'm done complaining. This year is a new year. And it has begun with such perfection and so many blessing that I am believing that it will completely blot out the last. All I will remember are the good not the hurt.

This year I will rejoice in the Lord always...

"Father thank you for a new day. Thank you that you have blessed me above and beyond. Thank you for the lessons you have taught me so that I will be able to teach them to my children. You are so good. Help me to never forget...In your precious name. Amen."

1 comment:

Vintage Dutch Girl said...

Good for you for being positive during trials.

I certainly learned that complaining and whining during your struggles doesn't really help morale all that much.

You just gotta lift your eyes to the hills, that's where our help comes from.

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