Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Confession

I have had very few quite times lately.

In fact, to be honest, the last time I had a quiet time was ummm...three weeks ago.

Pretty bad.

Let me list my excuses, because I have a few and it will make me feel better...

1. I'm tired.
2. I'm exhausted.
3. I'm growing a person.
4. My crazy kid is waking up around 6 everyday.
5. I'm nauseous.
6. I have very little energy. Like super little. Pint size. Munchkin little. (you get the picture).

Ok, yeah so those excuses pretty much stink but...I'm so tired!

The thing about it is that not only do I feel bad about it, but I know that my lack of reading and praying result my lack of patience and strength and of course my being open to mind attacks that say, "you're a bad mom," "you are neglecting your family," "how are you gonna deal with two if you can barely handle the one."

And though I fight those thoughts out, my heart hurts.

There's a twinge. Guilt. Sadness.

I hate that.

And what's worse, despite the fact that I have had very little communication with God other than, "God I'm tired," "God give me energy," "God make the nausea go away, PUHLEASE!!!" He is still so full of grace and mercy.

Crazy kid is two. He is strong willed and many times defiant. He is a charmer and hilarious at the same time. He throws fits, he likes having his way, he wants what he wants and he wants it NOW!

Since being pregnant, he has for the most part, held off on the tantrums. He really has been an angel. He has been so good and sweet and patient.

He has become all that I lack right now. Oh my.

He rarely complains about playing by himself. He doesn't mind me laying on the couch for a few hours as he watches TV. He hugs and kisses and even prays for me - "Jejus, help mommy's tummy. It hurts. Amen."

God why are you so good to me? It's not fair. I don't deserve that kind of love.

I'll be in my second trimester in about two weeks...

"Lord I'm hoping for a boost of energy at that time. I'm hoping for revitalization and strength. I'm asking lord for these next few months to be blessed and filled with fun and laughter. Thank you for your mercy and grace and for the precious child you have blessed me with and the other one you are working on. I trust that through all this not only are you teaching me, but you are teaching him and molding him to be a great big brother. You are so good to me."


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3 comments:

the160acrewoods said...

awww I so understand this. I hope you get some quiet time!

Becoming Me said...

It's such a tough stage you are in. God will refresh you.

Harmony said...

Hope you get more energy in your second trimester!!

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