One of my struggles, one of my many struggles, is my desire to be liked. I want people to like me. I care about what people think about me. So much so that at times I will pretend or be what I think others want me to be.
Writing this, I feel very pathetic. But...it's truth. Crazy truth.
I became very aware of this and how wrong it is this past winter. It was one of the main things God was shaking, no, burning out of my life. And though I can rejoice and say I don't struggle with this as much, nor do I find myself pretending as much, like most, I sometimes fall into this hole.
I had my feelings hurt this past week. Perhaps it was not intentional, perhaps no one noticed, perhaps I took it all wrong. Either way I was hurting. And instead of going to God and saying help me with this, I put a couple of bricks on my walls of anger and resentment and bitterness. The bricks God and I had worked so hard at breaking, I quickly rebuilt.
And of course I became vulnerable. Vulnerable to attacks, vulnerable to my own mind and imagination. I went along, but my head tormented me. Immediately thoughts of low self esteem, envy and unworthiness plagued me.
I prayed, but my prayers weren't prayers of battle, but prayers of pity. "Lord, I thought we were done. Please take this away. Why do I feel this way. Why am I thinking this way..."
I needed to battle my mind, but I had left my armor. My guard was down. I retreated.
I was invited to go to the zoo with some great friends. Friends who I know love me and who I love dearly. Friends who would never think or do anything to hurt me. Friends I trust and who know me very well.
I was all for it. A day at the Zoo. Crazy kid loves the zoo.
But then my mind entrapped me. I began to cower. And instead of telling my head to shut up, I listened and retreated.
I said I wasn't going to go after all, I didn't want to bear the heat.
Yes, that was partly true. I hate being hot and that is one of the downfalls of being pregnant. But mostly...I didn't want to pretend. I didn't want to battle my mind the whole time. I didn't want to question everything I said or did. I didn't want to wonder what others thought.
I figured it would be better to be alone and deal with my head alone. Then of course, lonliness sets in very fast.
I should have gone. We would have had a great time. Sure I kept myself busy and I told myself it would have been too hot and I had other things to do but...truth hurts.
I let my mind win. I was the coward and I retreated.
I cried out to God. I filled my mind with his words and not my own. Finally.
Why couldn't I have done that in the first place. How much more and how many more times must I learn this again?
Why do I need to have others like me so much? Am I really that needy? Is this a real need or a void or simply a vulnerable piece of me when I have such feelings? I don't know.
Do I need people to show me they care or is it just when I feel this way? I was always taught not to be needy...but maybe I am, I'm just really good at pretending I'm not. So good I convince myself. I don't know.
Maybe I need to keep working on filling that need with Christ.
"Father, you know me. You know the number of hairs on my head. You know my weakness. I know all that matters is what You think of me and how I glorify you...but I need to keep telling my head that. My greatest desire is to need nothing but You...but I struggle with that. My flesh wants to be wanted, needed, liked. Why Lord? Father purify me of this selfish desire. Continue to mold me. Continue to cleanse me until I am your reflection. Remind me that I am worth far more than rubies and that you want me, you need me for your glory and you love me. Thank you Father for bringing me to my knees and reminding me that I am nothing without you. In your precious name, Amen."