5 Reasons Why God Desires to Keep You Vulnerable

This life is so inconsistent; one moment we are living on accolades and admirations and the next we are hiding within our own insecurities and guilt.

Last week was a week of highs and lows for me.

Certain things were working out better than I imagined.
At the same time, I was a little overwhelmed and tired...and for me, sometimes when I get overwhelmed and tired my thoughts get fuzzy and that tiredness turns to weariness and the weariness turns to insecurity.

One day I found myself filled with uncertainty; the next I was recognized for my works. That same day I fall face first into sin and shame as I fail to be gentle and loving to my children. The next day we rejoice in the peaceful and sweet day of learning and loving and the following day, I dishonor my husband and humbly ask for forgiveness.

As I was praying over the crazy moments of the week that left me in both high and low places, I felt the Lord speak to me and say, "No matter where you are or what you are doing, I will keep you vulnerable."

I was somewhat uncomfortable with the message.
Vulnerability is not something I desire!
In fact, our culture despises the vulnerable.
To be vulnerable is to be weak.

In the bible one of the most vulnerable heroes was Samson. Samson was called to be a leader and to deliver the people from the hands of the Philistines. Samson was described as having "the spirit of the Lord" upon Him and was the strongest man ever, yet the Lord kept him vulnerable. He was to be faithful to the "rule that governs [his] life and work" (Judges 13:12), however, when Samson lost sight of the Lord's purpose and calling, he lost his strength, succombed to the lies of Delilah and fell into the hands of the Philistines.

God desired to keep Samson vulnerable and He desires the same for our lives as well.

5 Reasons Why God Desires to keep us Vulnerable?

1. Our vulnerability keeps us focused on our own weaknesses. 

We are weak. Our bodies get tired, weary, overwhelmed...our minds are constantly fighting fears, worry, stress, selfishness, guilt...and I can go on and on. Yet all the "weaknesses" we desire so much for Him to take away and banish from our minds and flesh forever are the things that bring us back to the cross daily.

In Judges 15, Samson is tied with ropes and it isn't until the "spirit of the Lord" comes upon him that the ropes drop from his hands. Without the spirit of the Lord, Samson would not have had the strength to break free from the ties that bound Him. Samson understood his weakness and knew his strengths relied on the spirit of the Lord.  

2. Our vulnerability keeps us dependent on God so that we will live a life of  faith and trust.

Our selfish, sinful nature will constantly turn away from God and look inward to who and what we can do for ourselves. He keeps us vulnerable so that we have to continually lay aside our selfish nature and obey His desire for our life, no matter our own reasonings.

To live a life of faith is to be vulnerable to the hope of His calling.

In Judges 15, Samson kills 1000 men with a donkey's jawbone and then cries out to God in desperation because he is thirsty. "God opens the hollow...and water came out of it" (v. 18). Samson, despite the power he had to slay 1000 men, still had to depend and trust God to open the spring and quench his thirst.

3. Our vulnerabilities keep us faithful and proclaim God's glory instead of our own.

God is faithful and it was God who provided Samson with the jawbone of the donkey.When we humbly look towards Him and obediently take that one small step of faithfulness, that small step can create a domino effect that advances the kingdom and extols His greatness. He keeps you vulnerable so He can use you for His greatness.

It was the spirit of the Lord who came upon Samson, but Samson says, " With a donkey's jawbone I have made donkeys of them. With a donkey's jawbone I have killed a thousand men" (Judges 15:15 NIV, emphasis mine).Unfortunately, When we try to take giant leaps for our own glory, the results go astray and we lose sight of His purpose for our lives.

4. Our vulnerabilities keep us ready to defend against assaults and temptations.

When we are vulnerable we are susceptible to sin and temptation; yet at the same time those vulnerabilities make us aware of the inevitable and oncoming assaults. When we depend on the Lord, He will help us fight and give us strength for the battles of this life. If we try to fight with only our own power, we will be subdued and tied to those sins.

In Judges chapter 16, Samson first sleeps with a prostitute and then later falls in love with Delilah. The interesting thing is that no where in that chapter does the "spirit of the Lord" come upon him. Though he is still able to break free from Delilah's snares a few times on his own, Samson becomes susceptible to sin because he grows weary of the "nagging...day after day" (v. 16) and he is no longer relying on the "Spirit of the Lord." He grows weary of the daily battles and assaults and loses the spirit and strength to keep fighting.

5. Our vulnerabilities keep us out of our comfort zone.

When we are too comfortable, we don't care to fulfill our callings and walk the path set before us. Instead, we would rather lay down all those purposes and satisfy ourselves with what we desire. When we are vulnerable, we remember who God is and that He has called us to live a life of servanthood. If we place our own comforts before our service to Him, we will not only lose our purpose in the kingdom, but we will lose the spirit that leads us to His glory.

Samson became too comfortable in Delilah's lap. She shaves his head, takes advantage of his vulnerabilities and traps Him. When the Philistines were on him, he "did not know that the Lord had left him" (20).


Samson lost his sight because he lost the vision and purpose for his life. He was given vulnerabilities so that He could remember and depend on the Lord who sustained and strengthened Him. It was only in his blindness that he could see his sinful, selfish ways. Because of God's faithfulness, Samson was remembered; and in his most vulnerable state, blind and chained, did God's spirit fill him once more in order for his enemies to be brought down and God's glory manifested.

When we depend on God's strength, we can see that our own frailties and vulnerable nature can be used for His greatness. He can use every failure, every weakness, every misstep, every suffering for His eternal purpose. If we allow Him to keep us vulnerable, His glory and light will shine through in our most sincere and frail lives; for the beauty of life can be found even in the frailties of our vulnerable selves.

In what ways does God keep you vulnerable and how can He use your frailties for His purpose? 

You are His beloved,

Linking up with these great blogs...

Get Beautiful Crazy Posts Sent directly to your email!

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

Ultimate Blog Party! Welcome!!

Welcome friends!! So glad you are here!! I am participating at the Ultimate Blog party at 5 Minutes for Mom!! 

My Name is Andrea Portilla. I am a wife, momma of 3, home educator and Jesus follower.

I blog about living this life for Jesus daily. 
Working at your callings and passions with all your heart! 
And my goal is to encourage and equip women to daily surrender their lives to their Creator.

I just started blogging again and it has been so good! And I am so excited to connect with so many of you! 

Take a look around...find out more about me here and this Beautiful Crazy blog here and check out some of my posts too!!

Here are some that you may enjoy.

How it all Began and all it comes down to...

My Story

A little more to my story...

The greatest Revelation EVER!

How I lost who I was and how I figured it out! 

My most recent post...and what I wish I could tell my kids...

Please leave a comment and tell me where you are coming from so I can hop on over and say hi!! Can't wait to connect with you! 

My 3 little loves

Subscribe and get Beautiful Craziness directly to your Email! 

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

I Wish I Could Tell You About Mommy

I was frustrated and angry.
Frustrated with the situation. Angry with myself.

If I was better...things like this wouldn't happen.
If I was more...

I was sneering at everyone who wasn't helping.
I was harsh with everyone who was.

As I was frantically trying to find the lost, misplaced object I heard a little voice behind me:

"Mommy maybe we can look for something else..."
"No," I said, hastily cutting her off, "we can't. Just leave me alone, I don't need your help so just get out of my way."

As soon as the words left my lips I felt the sting.
I had struck. Hard.
Immediately I saw the hurt look as she quickly turned and ran off.

I didn't call after her.
I didn't apologize.
I kept looking for the lost item and sank within myself.

I became the worst version of me.
I had let my own insecurities and frustrations take over.

Instead of being compassionate, I was harsh.
Instead of being loving, I was mean.
Instead of being patient, I was easily angered.
Instead of being gentle, I was callous.

My sweet little girl, I wish I could tell you about mommy's flaws...

Mommy is selfish. Sometimes mommy would rather not...sometimes she would rather not make 3 meals to serve and sometimes she would rather not clean up after everyone and sometimes she would rather not...

Mommy is scared. Sometimes...many times, mommy is scared of what she is called to do, of all the times she has messed up and of not being enough. Scared of failing...again. Sometimes mommy cowers to the what if's and staggers through the day.

Mommy is insecure, so she tries so hard to get it all together and in the moments when she doesn't...she stumbles. Hard and face first.

But God's truth...baby girl, God's truth is what you have to hold on to. God's truth is what will bring us together. God's truth is what will help you and I heal and grow and love despite the flaws and imperfections.

God's truth covers all my flaws. God's truth makes me pure and brave and enough.

I wish I could tell you it won't happen again.
I wish I could guarantee that mommy won't be mean again.

But in those moments when I forget the truth, my darling little girl, help me to remember.

Be my gentle reminder of truth as I look into your soft blue eyes that are filled with
light and song and imagination.

The truth is that You are worth it.

You are worth serving and loving well.
You are worth all the scared.
You are worth all the callings and the failed attempts.
You are worth all the fears of what if and not enough.
You are worth all the insecurities and the stumblings.

And because you are worth it...
I will serve you and love you until my dying day.
I will do what I am called to do...and if I have to, I'll do it scared.
I will walk this path I am on no matter how many times I fall or fail.
I will face the fears and pray that God will fill in the gaps.
I will rise up every time I stumble...again and again.

Today and everyday I will choose Jesus and, therefore, I will choose you.

Today I will call you to my arms and rest in both His and your forgiveness.
Today I will take the hurt and pain I caused you and hold you and kiss you and love you well.
We will mend. We will bond.

He will sustain us.
He will cover us.
He will make us better.


You are His Beloved,

Linking with these great blogs...

Subscribe and get Beautiful Craziness directly in your Email!

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

I Use to be an Actress

I use to be an actress.

I took one of the lead parts in a very highly and sought after role. 

I was shortstop for the Psalty Psalters in Kids Praise 8: Play Ball! Musical.

At our Church.

When I was 8.

At that point in my life it was quite a highlight!

I remember one of my most important lines, which I might add got a lot of laughs..."Psalty, when I get bigger can I be 'tallstop?" 

Adorable...I know!

My acting career took many forms after, but that was perhaps, my most memorable role.

It's funny the things you remember, isn't it?

Every major tale in our life has a reason behind the story. Every day, every event, every incident is loaded with purpose, opportunities...building blocks that shape our character and point of view.

I started writing out a timeline of the highlights of my life from as far as I can remember to the present. 

I tried picking a few key moments in my life that stood out for whatever reason. 

I started with good, happy, memorable moments and then went on to work on the more sad or difficult moments. 

Being a Psalty Psalter was one of my more memorable moments. It definitely made the cut on my timeline.

Some of the other good moments included family vacations and holidays, playing with my cousins at my grandmothers apartment (who remembers the rainbow red shoes!) where we would swim all summer and come in for grilled cheese sandwiches and Tang! 

Other memorable events included reading so many good books...Babysitters club and Nancy Drew...and of course the most kindred spirit of all heroines, Anne of Green Gables. I loved watching movies...old classics and musicals like Summer Stock with Judy Garland and Gene Kelly. 

As I grew older my life's romance took center stage with all its school girl romanticism. Life led into great highlights...life long friendships and college, graduation and marriage, pregnancy and babies.

All of those events had significant meaning and purpose, especially in hindsight.

In hindsight, I could see the hand of God. 

Many of those instances were God showing His faithfulness.

Many of those instances were God calling me to be faithful. 

In each of those highlights I learned so much about who I was, what I desired in life, my gifts and callings. 

I learned early on how important family was through holidays, traditions, vacations and those imaginative, fun filled summers.

The books and films I loved gave me ideals and dreams for a better tomorrow. 

My love story taught me perseverance, endurance, and faithfulness.

My friendships, marriage and children have taught me loyalty, forgiveness and grace. 

I smile as I think about the years ago, when a little girl with long black hair and big brown eyes stood up on a stage in front of over 100 people and delivered lines with fun and ease.

That little girl didn't think much about how others perceived her or worried about what others may say?

She didn't care about being recognized or respected. 

She didn't care about getting praised.

She wasn't worried about the future and if life was going to work out how she planned and hoped it would.

That little girl with the long black hair and big brown eyes was living in the moment. 

She was living in the excitement of being shortstop on the Psalty Psalters team.

She was reveling in delivering her lines with innocent charm.

That little girl with the long black hair and big brown eyes knew she was special and had a gift.

She knew she had a purpose and a calling for that moment. 

She didn't know how far or where that gift would take her and she didn't care. 

All she cared about was using it for one purpose..to bring praise to her God and King.

What did that moment teach me? 

At that young, tender age He was preparing me to speak. He had gifted me to stand in front of many and deliver lines from a book with ease and conviction, so that years later, I could stand in front of crowds of any size, whether in my home, small group, church or internet blog, and deliver His lines, from His book, all to bring praise to my God and King.

I encourage you to make a timeline of your life and see how God has positioned you and what he has taught you through all those memorable events.

What highlights of your life created callings and purposes for His kingdom?

"Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14 NKJV

You are His beloved,

Linking up with these great blogs...
Subscribe and get Beautiful Craziness directly in your Email!
Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

Weekly happenings...

Today my post called, He Calls you Faithful, was featured on Laura's blog, Missional Woman where she hosts the Faith Filled Friday Link up. 

I have been writing and back in this blog thing for only a couple of weeks and to be featured and encouraged in this way is humbling. My only desire has been to share what He has been doing in my life and to encourage others with my story. 

Thank you for reading, for commenting, for sharing. Remember He calls you Faithful.

You are His beloved,                  

                                                                                           

Working in Your Gifts

A few months passed and my thoughts kept coming back to this article. 

I couldn't be disconnected any more. I had to plug back into who I was created to be. 

It was 3 o'clock in the morning and the house was quiet except for the faint and steady breathing from my husband who peacefully slept beside me; completely unaware that his beloved bride and best friend was drowning in a sea of tears, fears, anguish and grief next to him. 

I grieved the loss of my passions.

I grieved the loss of my dreams. 

Mostly...

I grieved the loss of the years where I failed to live for more than pure survival.

For years I battled and fought against depression. 

I blamed hormones, diet, lack of sleep, raising babies.

I went through seasons of sadness.

Seasons of being overwhelmed.

Seasons of being angry and unsatisfied.

The ones I loved the most, the ones I was called to be more for in this life:

They were the ones who I hurt.

They were the ones who saw me merely going through the motions of life.

They saw me tired, insecure and sad.

This was not how I wanted to live my life.

In my heart I wanted to be so much more for them. 

Please understand I wasn't "down" every day...

I was a fun, loving mother and wife.

But deep inside, I sensed something was off.

There were days where I just didn't feel like giving anything.

And those days cancelled out all the good ones.

Friends, on a side note...Hormones are real and they can debilitate greatly; 

I am certain that they heightened all of my uncontrollable feelings.

When they are not leveled, life is most definitely not balanced.

See your doctor so you can get them balanced. 

Get on a eating and exercise plan, visit a counselor, talk to a friend...don't walk this alone.

But this was more than hormones levels.

It was more than a lack of sleep and small, needy children. 

There was a void. 

An emptiness. 

It was deep...Soul deep.

I tried to fill it, but it's hard to fill something that leaks.

Its hard to fill something when you don't know what to fill it with. 

It's like putting a square peg in a round hole...

nothing works and it seems impossible to fill the gaps. 

I resigned to telling myself that maybe this was 

"my lot in life,"

the "thorn in my side,"

the "cross" I had to bear.

Religion talk.

Lies.

You see, grace doesn't require me to fill anything. 

Grace empties me so I can be filled. (Psalms 107:9)

Grace doesn't say, "too bad, deal with it." 

Grace gives us "confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" Hebrews 4:16 NIV.

Grace doesn't say, "Carry your own burdens." 

Grace says to, "destroy speculations and every lofty thought raised up against the knowledge of God...take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5 NASB.

One commentary defines "speculations" as reasonings; "Whereas 'thought' expresses men's own purpose and determination of living after their own pleasure" (James-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary, www.biblehub.com). 

Grace doesn't simply say, "take up your cross and bear it," grace says, 

" for by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made Holy" Hebrews 10:4.

God had already made me perfect.

He didn't need to repair me.

He didn't need to stitch me up and say "that's as good as it gets."

He made me perfect in Jesus' sacrifice for me on the cross. 

All of my "reasonings" were futile and I was trying to live 

for my own purpose

 and not His. 

I already had purpose. 

I had callings and gifts.

All I had to do was remember them and use them they way He desired me to.

In those true callings and gifts I found my purpose.

In my callings and gifts I found freedom.

"And by that will we have been made holy 

through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once and for all" Hebrews 10:10.

In recognizing my purpose and gifts

 I could walk more securely in my calling as a wife and mother.

In recognizing my purpose and gifts

 I could freely love and live abundantly.

"God is able to bless you abundantly, 

so that in all things and at all times, having all that you need, 

you will abound in every good work" 2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV.

 The New Living Translation says that 

"you will always have everything you need and 

plenty left over to share with others" (emphasis mine).

He has blessed you with gifts and talents and a calling to use those blessings and work at them,

 building them up for the purpose of advancing His kingdom.

Don't let your dreams, desires, and passions ebb away in the flow of life.

Dont let life:

the struggles, the pain, the suffering,

 steal the gifts he has given you. 

Don't allow 

the monotony, the mundane and the melancholy

rob you of His riches. 

Don't lie down 

to the weary days and the wishful thoughts,

 but work to perfect your gifts and callings.

Work out your Salvation - Philippians 2:12

Show your work as valuable - 1 Corinthians 3:13

Devote yourself to your work- Nehemiah 5:16

Establish the work of your hands - Psalms 90:17

Give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord - 1 COrinthians 15:58 

Let your works bring you praise at the city gates - Proverbs 31:31

Then finally, enter into His rest. 

"Do not neglect the spiritual gift within you...Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them so that your progress will be evident to all" 1 Timothy 4: 14-15 NASB.

To read the article that undid me, click here.

You are His beloved,                     

                                                                        

Linking up at these blogs...

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

30 Something and Lost

I sat at my computer, tears streaming down my face. 

My children were playing...somewhere.

I honestly didn't know what they were doing. 

I read the article over and over and over again to try to process the words...

the ideas...the audacity. 

I couldn't do it. 

I didn't even know where to begin or how or... 

I shut my computer off 

and pushed the feelings, the fear, the fierce foreshadowing 

that had me in a choke hold  and I walked away. 

I simply couldn't handle any of it. 

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 

Everything I ever worked for was to obtain those titles. 

My goal was to be awesome!

I wanted to be a combination of June Cleaver and Lorelai Gilmore.

I wanted to bake cookies with my babes and raise them up well and Godly and secure and at the same time I wanted to be fun and spirited.

That's how I became distracted. 

Distracted from the Truth.

Distracted from who I was following.

Distracted from God's purpose for my life.

I shifted my eyes away from the One I was following and 

looked up to ideals and desires that I had placed above my line of vision.

My ideals seemed to be good and Godly, 

Yet, instead of looking up and getting closer to heaven, 
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..."  

I became disoriented.

I started to look around.

I started to watch others around me.

I started to compare.

I couldn't measure up. 

So I did what I had to do...I started pretending.

I wasn't pretending for anyone who was perhaps watching me...

I was pretending for myself.

I was fighting for my own, self righteous ideals.

I was proud of my ideals and I could not let them go 
even though I knew in my heart that those ideals were suffocating me. 

I could not face the fear of what 
my struggles and failures would do to my life 
if I didn't attain them.

I became distressed.

I couldn't see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around. 
I lost the vision for direction in my life.

In the book of Numbers, the children of Israel had once again complained of being" taken out of Egypt to die in the wilderness" (21:5). And the Lord, tired of their constant whining, sends fiery snakes that bite and kill them. Of course, they come back to the Lord and beg Moses to plead with God to take away the snakes. 

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten when he sees it, shall live'" (Numbers 21:8)

I wonder how many couldn't see it?
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.

I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband. 
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.

My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.

I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.

My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all; 
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.

I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself. 

I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.

I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her 
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy, 
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life. 

I disconnected from that girl and I lost her.
I couldn't even remember who she was.

I became someone else.

I didn't have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath. 
I didn't have time for any of that. 
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any, 
let alone live any.
I didn't want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them. 

In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have, 
I lost my purpose. 

I lost everything I was created to be,
everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.


I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years, 
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.

I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if...

And so there I was, 30 something and lost.

I walked away that day in complete fear and despair; 
but by the Grace of my loving God, 
He didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.


Tomorrow I'll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.

You are His Beloved,                    

                   

Linking up with these great blogs! 

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email