Likable me...

I had one of those days...no more like one of those weeks.

One of my struggles, one of my many struggles, is my desire to be liked. I want people to like me. I care about what people think about me. So much so that at times I will pretend or be what I think others want me to be.

Writing this, I feel very pathetic. But...it's truth. Crazy truth.

I became very aware of this and how wrong it is this past winter. It was one of the main things God was shaking, no, burning out of my life. And though I can rejoice and say I don't struggle with this as much, nor do I find myself pretending as much, like most, I sometimes fall into this hole.

I had my feelings hurt this past week. Perhaps it was not intentional, perhaps no one noticed, perhaps I took it all wrong. Either way I was hurting. And instead of going to God and saying help me with this, I put a couple of bricks on my walls of anger and resentment and bitterness. The bricks God and I had worked so hard at breaking, I quickly rebuilt.

And of course I became vulnerable. Vulnerable to attacks, vulnerable to my own mind and imagination. I went along, but my head tormented me. Immediately thoughts of low self esteem, envy and unworthiness plagued me.

I prayed, but my prayers weren't prayers of battle, but prayers of pity. "Lord, I thought we were done. Please take this away. Why do I feel this way. Why am I thinking this way..."

I needed to battle my mind, but I had left my armor. My guard was down. I retreated.

I was invited to go to the zoo with some great friends. Friends who I know love me and who I love dearly. Friends who would never think or do anything to hurt me. Friends I trust and who know me very well.

I was all for it. A day at the Zoo. Crazy kid loves the zoo.

But then my mind entrapped me. I began to cower. And instead of telling my head to shut up, I listened and retreated.

I said I wasn't going to go after all, I didn't want to bear the heat.

Yes, that was partly true. I hate being hot and that is one of the downfalls of being pregnant. But mostly...I didn't want to pretend. I didn't want to battle my mind the whole time. I didn't want to question everything I said or did. I didn't want to wonder what others thought.

I figured it would be better to be alone and deal with my head alone. Then of course, lonliness sets in very fast.

I should have gone. We would have had a great time. Sure I kept myself busy and I told myself it would have been too hot and I had other things to do but...truth hurts.

I let my mind win. I was the coward and I retreated.

I cried out to God. I filled my mind with his words and not my own. Finally.

Why couldn't I have done that in the first place. How much more and how many more times must I learn this again?

Why do I need to have others like me so much? Am I really that needy? Is this a real need or a void or simply a vulnerable piece of me when I have such feelings? I don't know.

Do I need people to show me they care or is it just when I feel this way? I was always taught not to be needy...but maybe I am, I'm just really good at pretending I'm not. So good I convince myself. I don't know.

Maybe I need to keep working on filling that need with Christ.

"Father, you know me. You know the number of hairs on my head. You know my weakness. I know all that matters is what You think of me and how I glorify you...but I need to keep telling my head that. My greatest desire is to need nothing but You...but I struggle with that. My flesh wants to be wanted, needed, liked. Why Lord? Father purify me of this selfish desire. Continue to mold me. Continue to cleanse me until I am your reflection. Remind me that I am worth far more than rubies and that you want me, you need me for your glory and you love me. Thank you Father for bringing me to my knees and reminding me that I am nothing without you. In your precious name, Amen."

Mary Janes

When I was about 17 my grandmother taught me how to knit. To be honest, I have knitted very few things...a black mohair scarf, another purple attempt at a scarf (it didn't make it to the end) and what started as a bllanket but soon ended as a pot holder.

However, once I got pregnant with crazy kid I began to knit a bit more. I knew I didn't have the patience or skill to do a blanket, but I could make booties and so I did. His first pair of shoes where white booties with a blue ribbon stitched lovingly by me. He wore them on his way home from the hospital and he wore them at his dedication, plus some times in between.

So...that being said I am now working on a pair of booties for baby. And then I started thinking, I am going to see if I can make some cute shoes for her to wear as well, she's born in december so it's perfect bootie wearing time!

In my searching I came upon this website for super cute mary janes and to top it off, they look super easy to make. So I am adding the pattern here and website and if you would like to take a stab...Go for it. In the meantime, I will keep you posted on my progress.

Size0-6 months Foot length: Approximately 3 inches (7.5cm) Ankle:Approximately 4 inches (10cm) circumference with strap buttoned

What You'll NeedYarn: Sport weight yarn, 137 yards [125m]
Notions: Stitch holder; tapestry needle; 2 small buttons, about 1/4-1/2" (6-1.3cm); sewing needle and thread to match yarn

Gauge24 stitches and 52 rows=4" (10cm)

Making the Left Bootie

Cast on 31 stitches.
Row 1: Knit all stitches.

Row 2: Knit 1, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 1, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 1. (35 stitches)

Row 3: Knit.

Row 4: Knit 2, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 3, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 2. (39 stitches)

Row 5: Knit.

Row 6: Knit 3, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 5, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 3. (43 stitches)

Row 7: Knit.

Row 8: Knit 4, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 7, make 1, knit 14, make 1, knit 4. (47 stitches

)Rows 9-17: Knit all stitches.

Row 18: Knit 15, (work slip slip knit decrease) 4 times, knit 1, (knit 2 together) 4 times, knit 15. (39 stitches)

Row 19: Knit.

Row 20: Knit 9, beginning with next 2 stitches bind off 21 stitches, knit across remaining 9 stitches. (This includes 1 stitch already on right needle after the bind-off.)

Put first set of 9 stitches on holder.
Rows 21-23: Knit 9 stitches on needle.
Bind off all 9 stitches; cut yarn.
Rejoin yarn where you started binding off 21 stitches. Cast on 12 stitches using cable cast-on method.

Row 21: Knit across 12 new stitches and 9 from holder. (21 stitches total) Row 22 (buttonhole row): Knit 18, knit 2 together, yarn over, knit 1. (21 stitches on needle)Row 23: Knit.
Bind off all stitches.

Making the Right Bootie

Work same as for left bootie through row 20.

Put first set of 9 stitches on holder.
Row 21: Knit 9 stitches on needle; turn work and cast on 12 stitches at end of row using cable cast-on method.

Row 22: Knit 21 stitches (beginning with the 12 new stitches).

Row 23 (buttonhole row): Knit 18, knit 2 together, yarn over, knit 1.

Row 24: Knit all 21 stitches.
Bind off all stitches on needle. Cut yarn leaving 40 (10cm) tail to weave in later. Rejoin yarn to stitches on holder.R

ows 21-23: Knit 9 stitches on needle.
Bind off all stitches.

Finishing

Fold bootie with wrong sides together, and using the invisible seam for garter stitch, sew together back of bootie.
Bottom edges: With wrong sides together, whipstitch cast-on edges together.
Buttons: On the outside of the bootie, opposite the strap side, attach button with sewing needle and matching thread (used doubled), stitching through the holes in the button (or over a button shank) several times. Weave sewing thread through several stitches to secure. (Note: Small buttons may pose a choking hazard, so be sure to stitch securely to bootie.)

Weave in all yarn ends to wrong side of work.

Making baby booties works for me! For more stuff that works, click here.

To do in 6 months or less...

So, now that we know we are having a baby girl I have an extensive to do list which must be completed before December!

1. Paint room PINK!
2. Make bedding/curtains/diaper cloths/and other decorative projects I have in mind...
3. Get the furniture that is now in the room out of the room and in the attic or on craigs list.
4. Figure out what to do with the furniture that we are planning to keep around and pray it fits wherever it needs to fit.
5. Register.
6. Find all the baby stuff that's in various closets.
7. Read more on this BPA stuff.
8. Knit booties for her arrival.
9. Start shopping in the plentiful aisles of baby girl clothes.
10. Find the rest of the furniture that she needs.

So...those, in a nut shell are all the projects I have to do in the next few months. If you need me I'm either at hobby lobby, etsy or babies r'us!

"Father give me the power to make right decisions on all of this stuff! And the energy to get it all done and not procrastinate or over exert myself. Let it all go smoothly and beautifully as I have planned it all in my crazy head. Be all over this room and in every piece of furniture and all the love we put into it. In your precious name, Amen."

For more things to tackle, click here!

Whoa Baby!

It's official...
I am over the top over joyed!


IT'S A GIRL!!!!!


We found out the news on Friday and it was exhausting!
I was so nervous and had been in prayer all week about it. I was trying to convince myself that it was a boy and I just had to accept it, because I didn't want to be dissapointed, I love my baby, boy or girl, but I was afraid that if I built it up too much I would be dissapointed.

I was praying all week, "ok Lord, you know so I need you to prepare my heart for the news. My desire is a girl, you know that, but your will is best and you know what I need more than I do, I understand that, but I need you to tell my heart that."

I was praying this everytime I thought about it.

And in my heart I could softly hear the words, "I will give you the desires of your heart," but my head doubted. I thought, "but God, I don't want to be dissapointed. I want to be thrilled and happy about my baby."

So...there we were. My son and husband and a few other family members waiting...nervous for my sake...

It took a little bit for the baby to move into position and I promise you, while I was lying there I thought, "Ok Lord, I trust you and I know it's a boy and that's perfect."

And right then the lady says, "Well, your gonna have a girl!"

I began to cry. I was so happy.

And everything that the Lord had taken me through this past year all came to perfection. I knew in my heart it would be a girl, because God had told me. But you know how it is...your mind gets your heart all muddled and confused and doubtful. She is a piece of my reward for the storm that he led me through.

God knew I had to be better, to be wiser, to trust him and get rid of the junk in my life that would hinder me from being the mother he wants me to be. The mother she needs me to be. He knew all along.

I am thrilled beyond...I am in awe of my Lord.

Emma Gabrielle...

Emma - from Emmanuel, "God with us," and Gabrielle - "God's messenger."

"My precious Lord, you are so good to me. You truly do give me the desires of my heart and everytime I am in awe. Thank you for trusting me with this precious baby girl. I can't get over how good you are and how much you love me. You have been in every part of this pregnancy from conception and I ask you to continue to bless the health of my and my baby. Keep her safe until the perfect moment. In your sweet name, Amen."

The groove

Summer is busy. I haven't been blogging the way I use to and I don't like that, yet at the same time I don't have time to do much about it...

These next few weeks should go back to normal ( I hope) so I promise to get back on and write/read away. I have been neglecting so many of my bloggy friends as well and I feel bad...

Hopefully I will fall back into the groove again.

Good to be Home

We have been out of town the last week, just the hubby and I. We had an absolutely marvelous time, perfect, beautiful Florida sunshine, good flights, yummy food.

It was relaxing, revitalizing and refreshing. All that I needed.

Little one stayed with his grandparents and had a wonderful time away from us. He had his own sort of vacation...swimming everyday, fishing, golfing and receiving new toys. In many ways, I am sure his vacation was probably better than ours.

All in all...it's good to be home.

Though I treasured every moment with my husband and could probably stayed a few more days lying on the white sand beaches, it was nice to come home.

And mostly, I missed by son. I really did. The first few days were great, but by the end of the trip I was ready to see his precious little smile and hear his quirky sayings. In fact, I was so excited to see him on Sunday...almost giddy. And when I did, my heart just melted all over.

Since we've been home, I am reminded of how cute and funny he is and just how absolutely precious he is. Because, let me just say that he is the cutest child in the world...and I'm not the only who thinks this...his father and grandparents are in agreement. I'm sorry for the rest of you out there who may have the same feelings about your children but...Ok, so I am a bit biased but oh well!

I have learned one thing in these past few days...you can travel the world (or atleast to the east coast) and be rejuvinated and tanned, but there is nothing more refreshing or enjoyable than to hear your toddler's little voice say, "I wove you."

Now I must go and unpack our stuff!

"Father, thank you so much for a wonderful time with my husband. You were in every aspect of our vacation and it was so needed. You made it perfect and took care of every detail. Thank you for your protection and for bringing our family back together. "I wove you" Lord. In your precious name, Amen."

I miss Nyquil

I have been ignoring my blog not due to any major event or lack of desire, but due to the fact that those nasty allergy monsters have attacked me. You know the ones you see on the commercials that are absolutely disgusting? Well, they have taken residence in my throat and nose and apparently tehy brought a lot of luggage!

So, here I am infested with yuckiness. Icky, gross, yuciness.

I wonder if I hit my face against a wall would that make the pressure go away? Maybe...

So...the worst part of this whole thing is that I can't take my beloved Nyquil. I love that stuff.

That sweet medicinal nectar that brings my whole body into a state of numbness with it's 10% alcohol content. And since I'm not much of a drinking kinda' girl, just a swig, a tiny shot works wonders as I drift into dreamland and the sandman takes me away.

Well, so much for that. Instead I am resigned to Robitussin. Non effective. No alcohol, no dreamland, no sandman, nothing. I sleep with a cough drop in my mouth and vics vapor rub on my nose. And when I say on my nose, not only do I smear it under my nostrils but throughout the night I take it off my nightstand and lie with the little tub against my nose.

It's great sleep, let me tell you.

So that is where I have been.

I hope those nasty monters find another vacation spot soon.

One more minute

A while back I read an article that said to give your toddler time frames for activities. The article stated that whether they understood the concept of time or not, once it is introduced they will understand the idea that whatever they are engaged in will shortly end and they will need to move on to something else.

I thought this was a great idea.

At the time crazy kid was maybe about 18 months old or so and one of our big issues was bath time. He LOVES his bath and always has and so he wanted to stay in until he pruned up or longer.

I am all for a fun, long, warm bath because it usually ensures an easy bed time routine. At the time, however, getting out was trauma for the child.

After I read the article, I began to use the advice.

I would bathe him, wash his hair and then he was free to play for however long I decided. And when time was coming to a close, I would put up one finger and say, "Ok one more minute and then we are going to brush our teeth and put on our PJ's. Say yes mama." And he would reply, "Yes mama."

After a few times of doing this, he caught on and the transition from bath to bed became much easier.

Of course, not too long after I would say, "Ok baby it's almost time to get out," and he would quickly put up one finger. Soon after that he began to say, "One minit mama."

We learned our numbers and he realized he could add to the minutes and so now he demands two and sometimes even five minutes.

Luckily, though he understand the number sequence, he doesn't understand the length of a minute. I'm hoping that lasts a while for my sake.

This time element has been a good thing. We have fewer melt downs because it sort of prepares him for change in whatever it is he is doing. Sure, it doesn't work all the time but for the most part...

Tonight I was putting crazy to bed and I was in the rocker holding him. This has become somewhat harder, though my belly isn't protruding too much yet, it has come out some. It isn't awkward for him, but when 35lbs are on me, I tend to lose my breath easily, not to mention the heat the boy puts off.

But...I wanted to keep holding him. His little face was facing mine and I was singing to him and I kissed his soft, tanned little cheek and I just wanted to keep that moment.

Of course two seconds later he pushed off of me and asks for his father.

I kissed him and said, "Can you hold mama one more minute."

Just one more minute.

I didn't get my minute. I got a big hug and a kiss and he called for his dad.

Sometimes all I want is one more minute. Or maybe two or five.

"Father, thank you for the minutes. Thank you for blessing me with so many one minute moments. Thank you for my precious boy and all his antics and sayings and his sweet heart. And thank you for the minutes I will have with the one inside me. Father I ask that you help me to not only treasure the minutes, but to seek them out. Not to be overwhelmed by busyness, but to wait and look for the minutes in every day. In your precious name, Amen."

Mission

Mexico, 1998.

When I was almost seventeen my life changed.

Perspective changed. Reasoning changed. My world view changed.

It was one of the best and most memorable weeks of my life.
I would love to do it again.
I would do it again.

My church youth group took a mission trip to Mexico. We went over to Mission, Texas, a city directly on the US/Mexican border. We spent our nights in Texas and our days in Mexico.

I remember those days as if they were yesterday because they are so engraved in my heart.

Our mornings started early, 5 something if I remember correctly. We would meet for breakfast, morning devotionals and then we would split up into groups depending on what you were designated to. There were about 8 other churches staying at our host church as well.

This particular week was dedicated to VBS, where the various churches that we were serving across the Mexican border were hosting VBS for the neighborhood kids.

Since I spoke fluent Spanish, I was in charge of the arts and crafts section; And I was good at it. I always loved kids and at the time, I didn't know I was a born teacher, but I was.

Our church was given the poorest neighborhood.

Dirt roads. Tinfoil for walls and roofs. No AC in 113 degree weather in the shade. Outhouses for bathrooms.

I had seen poverty before when visiting Guatemala where my parents are from, but I had never walked into poverty.

My heart broke. For everyday I looked into the faces of children who had nothing. Had only dreamed of the things we had. I realized how selfish, vain and greedy I was. For just the week before I complained of the silly white keds I bought to wear.

They were in awe of our water bottles. WATER BOTTLES. Everyday we would spend $1.00 on our water bottles with the squirt top. It was the squirt top that was so intriguing to them.

I still can't get over that. Each day we gave them our bottles and like nothing purchased another the next. We all decided to collect every bottle water we could find, including the ones from other churches on the trip. On our last day, we gave them two black garbage bags full of empty water bottles with squirt tops. They were ecstatic. Gleaming, sunburned faces grinning from ear to ear. They stood in line at the measly outdoor faucets and filled their bottle and squirted each other as if they were the best water guns ever.

God was so amazing that week.

Because I spoke Spanish I was able to do so much more. I prayed for people and led people to Christ. It was incredible.

The most amazing thing was the fact that while in Mexico, everyday, I never had to pee. OK. I know what you are thinking..."that was the most amazing thing?"...but let me explain...

My boyfriend (now husband) was very concerned about my water drinking habits. I have a tendency to get very light headed and dehydrated rather quickly and so he found it his duty to be my water boy. He made me drink water constantly. And since he was taking care of me and was cute, I grudgingly would oblige.

The church we ministered at each day was very poor. The only bathroom was one that was outside in an outhouse with a light bulb on a string. We had to bring our own toilet paper from Texas. There were roaches and spiders in the outhouse. And there was no toilet, but a hole. A hole.

I, being 17, still somewhat vain and a big scaredy cat was very worried about this bathroom scenario. And everyday I prayed, along with prayers for the children, church and people, that I would not have to use that bathroom.

God cares even for our silly little vanities. Despite the amount of water I was drinking, which was, if I remember, a cup an hour, never once did I have to use the bathroom. It was 113 degrees, no AC and I suppose I sweat it all out. When we arrived back to our host church at around midnight, I would run to the bathroom. But never in Mexico.

I think that's pretty cool!

Besides that, it was an incredible experience that made me appreciate and have a true heart for the poor.

I can still remember the faces of those precious kids. They were so sweet and so good. Girls of 8 and 7 taking care of their 2 year old brothers and sisters because parents had to work. Imagine an 8 year old holding a toddler in her lap, caring over every aspect of her sibling. Children who thought the simple little beaded bracelets that were made were their most treasured possessions, begging if they could make one for their mother. Precious children who were begging to keep just one marker or one crayon. Sweet kids that come in with old worn out clothing and no shoes, but they still play soccer despite the jagged rocks.

I don't know where any of them are now. Most of them in their early twenties. I hope God made an impact through us. Do they remember the way I do? Do they think back to that week? I hope so. And I hope it was good.


Our sweet little friend, Alejandro. On the first day he was attached to the two of us. He was about 6 and a precious boy.

"My Savior, thank you for reminding me how blessed I am. I ask that you help me not to forget that or take advantage of all that you have given me. You are too kind, my Father and too good. Jesus, help all the children tonight that are hungry and tired. Pour your peace onto this dying world, but most importantly, send someone to them that will bless them and show them the Hope that is in You. In your precious name, Amen."

For more sincerities, head over to We are That family, here.

Goodnight Sweetheart

We have a bedtime routine. Not me, but crazy. As I have said before he is a very routine kind of child.

We do the same thing everynight with few changes.

In the summer (at least this summer) bedtime is at 8:30, mostly due to the fact that the sun is still up till about that time and the time change sort of threw us off and now here we are putting him to bed at 8:30.

We head upstairs, he brushes his teeth, goes potty, chooses his pj's and gets dressed. The reason he brushes his teeth first is because if his shirt were to get one tiny drop of water on it, said shirt would then be "dowty" and crazy would be in a new shirt soon after. After a few "dowty" shirts, the cleaning of the teeth happens before the dressing.

He then jumps into his dada's arms, lower the dimmer on the lights, winds the two Winnie the Pooh water globes, makes sure the closet door is closed, grabs his milk and sits in my lap in the glider.

He prays, "Jejus, help me feel better. Tank choo. Amen." And then says, "Mama pray." I pray, he proceeds to drink his milk. I finish my prayer and he points to his dad who ends the prayer chain with, "And please help him stay in bed until the sun comes up."

At the end of the prayer, my husband kisses him, kisses me and kisses the "baby" or bump.

Now lately, crazy kid is on a dad boost. He wants daddy. Which is great! I love it because it gives me a break.

So usually, my husband will be almost out of the room when crazy says, "Daddy sit." So that is what he does. He sits. And they rock out.

At this time, I lean over and kiss my child and then kiss my hubs.

Lately, however, they both have a routine that was cute. Was. It is now somewhat annoying, that is, it becomes annoying very quickly.

Crazy husband taught my son to say "syke." You remember syke, right? You know when someone would say something nice and then proceed by saying, "syke" or just kidding.

Yeah, it was dumb back then too.

So anyways, my sweet boy says that when I go to kiss him. I lean in and he puckers up, leans forward and then turns his head and screaches, "Syke!"

Yeah. It's cute the first, I don't know, 3 times and after that, not so much. And of course, my husband, being the two year old at heart, joins along and continuously "Sykes" me out as well. I soon get fed up and begin to walk out, when my son says, "Aw mom, come back." And the whole thing starts up again.

So...finally after the parent who doesn't have to sit leaves, we sing two songs. His favorites include, "Itsy Bitsy Spider," "Wheel on the bus," "He's got the whole world in his hands," "Hakuna Matata (Lion King)" and any Veggie Tales song.

He only lets my husband sing, as he calls is, "Hole whirl" that is whole world, mostly because he doesn't know the words to any other song which has led to frustration and hurt feelings. My son is frustrated and my husband is hurt because my son tells him, "No dad, no sing. Mama sing, daddy shhh," and he has even laughed at my husband's "singing." Not a ha ha kind of laugh, but a "this poor man thinks he can sing/Randy Jackson, Ha, ha ha, with a nodding of the head" kind of laugh.

After the song, crazy climbs into bed and jumps down. Literaly jumps. We have had bumps due to the head hitting the rail.

He asks for the parent who is not in the room. If it is me I sit with him for "one minute," and hold his chubby hand. I tell him I am leaving and he says "Cover feet." I cover his feet with his precious "Bie," go to the door and say good night sweetheart. He then will say, "sweetdweams," and I reply, "Sweetdreams."

I close the door and pray he sleeps through the night and doesn't wake till 8:30.

Atleast most of the time he sleeps through the night.

And that's his routine. To think one day he'll go up to his room and go to sleep by just me saying so...Not yet. I'll keep this routine for as long as it lasts.

"Father thanks for such routines. For things we can count on such as this. Help me to not take for granted these moments, but to treasure them. It may seem so distant to think one day he'll turn off his own lights and tuck himself in...God don't let those days come too fast. Even when I'm tired and ready to go, if he wants me to stay, remind me that this only lasts for a moment. In your precious name, Amen."