Sometimes You Wake up Lonely

The morning sun had not even come over the horizon. It was chilly in the house after a night of cold wind hitting the windows of our bedroom. I was cocooned under the covers, trying to stay warm and asleep as my husband wearily was preparing for his departure. 

My husband has been blessed with a wonderful, fulfilling career. 

Through the years he has always traveled some. Some years more than others. 

We have been prepared for this year to be a more year. 

He gathered his carry on and briefcase and quietly kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him and prayed over his travels, his safety and thanking God for the man, father and husband that he has become. 

He then prayed over me, my days with the children, our schooling, our safety as he is away. 

He kissed me once more, quietly went upstairs and kissed the big kids and told them to go back to sleep and then he went out into the cold of the day and headed to the airport. 

I tried to fall back asleep. 

In the pit of my stomach, the prick of my heart...I got lonely. 

It's not that I already missed him, though I did. I felt a sort of emptiness, mixed with fear and sudden longing.

I woke up lonely. 

I have been traveling husband's wife many times. We've done this often. But it's still hard. 

I tell my husband I can totally handle his being gone. 

I am thankful to have many family and friends nearby who I can call on for any reason. 

Usually, the kids and I have a wonderful time and its nice to have the remote to yourself once in a while and to stay up watching a chick flick you haven't seen. 

I still get lonely. That numbing pang of loneliness is always there. 

I want my husband to be able to trust that I can handle whatever happens while he is away. 

I don't want him to worry about anything while he is sacrificing his time away from us and providing for us. 

I don't want him to worry about my feeling sad or lonely.

There are many times when that feeling isn't as prominent.

Today it's strong. 

As I was driving my daughter to ballet this morning, I was crying, praying for strength, for that sadness to go away; asking God why I feel this way and trying to overcome it with scripture and prayer.

I know for me it comes down to trust. 

Trusting God that He is taking care of my loves and myself no matter where we are. 

I know it also has to do with the fear of the "What if's" that I battle and continually have to "cast out." 

Jesus understands what it is like to be lonely. 

He understands how it feels to be alone and missing someone. 

This morning I read the story of Lazarus and how Jesus wept for his dear friend. 

We know Jesus probably spent a lot of time with this friend. 

We see accounts of his staying and eating with Lazarus and his sisters. And when know the famous verse of when Jesus hears that Lazarus has died and He weeps for his friend. 

I think at that point, Jesus is overwhelmed with grief and loneliness. 

Yes, he had his disciples and he was surrounded by people constantly, but Lazarus was different. 

He loved his disciples, but they were his students, his children in many ways. 

He was teaching them and disciplining them and molding them. 

He had only been with his disciples for about 3 years.

It seems to me that He and Lazarus probably went way back. 

Lazarus was, in my opinion, almost an equal. Not an equal to God made man of course, but an equal as simply a man. I think that when Jesus heard of his friend dying, that prick of loneliness hurt his heart.

Jesus knows how hard it is to feel lonely. 

Jesus know how long the days can be when your husband is traveling or working many late hours and you are home alone for much of the day with your young kids trying to just get through the day. 

He knows how lonely life is when your husband is perhaps not a believer and you go to church by yourself each Sunday. 

He knows how lonely it can be when your children are sick and you are the only one who can care for them the way they need to be cared for and all you want is someone to breathe for you. 

He knows how lonely it can be when you have a rebellious teenager and you aren't sure what to do or who to talk to or how to get through this scary phase. 

He knows how lonely life can be when you and your husband just aren't connecting like before and though you are sleeping in the same bed, the man next to you seems so far away.

He knows how lonely life can be when life suddenly changes and plans aren't falling into place.

Jesus weeps because he feels alone in this world. 

When Martha hears Jesus is coming, she runs to meet Him and in confidence says, "If you would have been here, I know He wouldn't have died." 

She knew Jesus could heal her brother. She knew He had supernatural power. 

She knew He could take away whatever disease that brought him to his death. 

She didn't know Jesus could raise him from the dead. 

Lazarus had been dead for 4 days. 

His body was already decaying...perhaps even being eaten by maggots, his hair and nails growing long from dying and dead cells, his body turning back to dust.

 Martha didn't know Jesus could completely restore his body...his flesh...his heart and turn back what natural decay and time could do. 

That's exactly what Jesus did. 

He completely restored and brought death back to life. 

His bringing Lazarus back from death to life was a symbol of what was going to happen to Him and essentially, what He would do for all of us. 

Martha was stuck on the "if..." 

If you were here Jesus...If you were real Jesus...if only you could do all these things in my life.

 If.

But Jesus says, "I AM the way, the Truth and the LIFE."

Jesus see's past the grave.

Jesus can restore the emptiness of the tomb you are in and bring forth life. 

He can bring forth life into your marriage. 

He can bring forth life into you children. 

He can heal your diseases. 

He can bring forth life into your soul and into your day, you week, your year. 

He IS Life.

No matter what you are facing today, Jesus can raise the dead to life. 

He can restore the decay of life and call you out of the darkness to see the light of the Son. 

Jesus can take the loneliness, the despair, the hurt, the pain, the suffering and He can bring forth life and joy and peace and hope. 

What are you facing today that is making it hard to see past the grave? Ask Jesus to bring forth life into whatever it is that you need brought out of decay. 

  "Jesus answered, 'I am the way, the truth and the life. No one come to the Father except through Me.'" John 14:6

Linking at A Proverbs 31 wife, Feminine Mondays and Titus 2 Tuesdays, mommy moments blog hop, made to mother Titus 2sdays

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Moving Mountains and other Beautiful Crazy happenings

This week has been a good one for us! It's been spring break over here and it's been fun viewing everyone's happenings on social media this week.

We are a home educating family so we had a mix of school and play. It was also my son's birthday week so we celebrated life all week with parties and family and yummy food. 

This week I blogged about My Story...two crazy teenagers, one great purpose. I will be concluding the end of that story next week with what God finally revealed to me and how it has changed my life.

I also blogged about How God keeps writing and developing our story after our "Happily Ever after," and how He has taken me from empty and drained to full and purposed. 

Isn't God awesome? He can make all things good. Even the hard, sad and empty days are made good because through all of it He is working. He never stops working in your life, even though you may not be able to see His hand or any fruit He is still toiling away. The bible says in Psalms 121:3-5, 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep."

I love that verse. It's actually posted inside one of my kitchen cabinets right now so I can meditate on it whenever I open it. 

God see's your mountains...the hills...even the mole hills you make into mountains! 

And He HELPS you! He is your Help! 

He will give you everything you need to climb that mountain. 

This Psalm is called a "Psalm of Ascent." 

I love that...To ascend something is to climb, an upward or rising movement. 

The only way to ascend or rise up is with GOD'S HELP! 

He will prepare you and equip you to climb that mountain. 

He will give you enough faith to tell that mountain to MOVE and it will move! 

I love how David says, He lifts his eyes up to the mountain and wonders basically, how can I climb this without help? 

There are so many mountains and hills and mole hills in our life that when we look at them...

I don't know about you, but I get totally overwhelmed! 

And one of the things I struggle with is being overwhelmed and then paralyzed to move. 

It would be easier to just avoid or be in denial or do it tomorrow!

Ya'll I'm talking about little things...laundry over load. 

Seriously, one of my kids had an accident at night and there is a mountain of sheets I have to wash and 

that is going to mess up my whole schedule! 

I'm facing this mountain of weight loss.

I've sort of plateaued on my journey to health.

 I can't get past these few pounds, it's sort of waning. UGH!

 Let me tell you, it has not been easy to eat well this week with birthday cake calling out to me!

Our schooling has also sort of hit a plateau as well. 

The mountain I face weekly of planning and reading and engaging and projects.

Its hard climbing that mountain and I easily lose my footing or am out of breath!

But He is my Help. He will help me rise up beyond my own fears and failures and issues.

 He won't let my foot slip. 

As you take on the weekend, enjoy your loves, enjoy your time and rest and remember these verses.

He is your help.

He won't let your foot slip.

He doesn't slumber or sleep. 

Those mountains are nothing for Him. He made them and has given you dominion over them! 

Start climbing! Rise up! 

Want a little more encouragement, a good laugh or cry:

Blogs I've Loved this week -

Sally Clarkson at I take Joy wrote on Giving your Home a heart! So good! 

Chrystal Hurst@ Chrystals Chronicles wrote on the beauty issues of women...especially concerning, ahem, hair issues. Hilarious read and so nice to know we are not alone in our quest for...smoothness??? yikes!

Kristen over @We Are That Family had a great resource on sharing the Ressurection with our kids. LOVE it! Go Check it out! Sunday's a comin'!

From Patched Up to Purpose Filled

Life is like a pitcher that has been filled with wonderful things, over and over again and the contents are good and sweet, but somehow, somewhere along the way the pitcher gets cracked. 

Not a huge break, nothing remotely visible. A simple, small crack; but with added pressure, the once unnoticeable nick starts to spread, slowly, but definite. 

And then there is a slow leak and you don't even notice it until you realize everything around it is soaked, and a mess and needing to be cleaned up.

The inside of that pitcher, however, is dry.

Every time the pitcher has been filled, it can't give of all its content

because it's slowly draining itself of the water inside. 

It can't patch itself because a patch won't hold. The stitches will wear and eventually loosen and the leak will penetrate through the patch. The pitcher must be broken and set aside and created again where there are no holes or leaks of any kind.

I was that pitcher.

I had leaks and I didn't even realize it. I was slowly being drained of everything He would fill me with and the little I did to fill myself was just seeping out without any direction or purpose.

I struggled with depression, anger, the mundane of my existence.

I loved my family. I loved my husband and children and

I praised God for them and for his blessing because they were wonderful. 

But I felt lost.

God started peeling me like an onion. 

He knew I couldn't stay where I was. 

He knew He created me for more than "happily ever after." 

He knew He had better plans than what I could dream up on my own. 

He also knew my own selfish and sinful ways would get in the way of all He had planned for the rest of the story.

He slowly began peeling away my securities, my ideals, my plans.

I was still growing in Him, the story didn't just end. 

He was still developing my character. 

I was still being used and called.

I was still praying and seeking Him

and He was constantly teaching me...but I started noticing the leak. 

I was being drained. 

I couldn't do any of it alone...but I wanted to. 

I wanted a plan.

I wanted a formula.

And I did everything the way I wanted.

I was raising my children well and according to God's ways. 

I loved my husband and strove to be a Proverbs 31 woman in my home

and in my relationship with my husband. 

All good things.

I was being seriously drained.

He called us to educate our children at home.
No question, no doubt. 

It has a been journey that I love.

It was draining...and I was running dry.

I was almost empty. 

Parched. 

I was holding on to promises, but scared.

Depression and darkness surrounded me.

I had fought Pre-post partum and post-partum depression in my last two pregnancies with my girls. With my first, I found myself in a dark pit. With my second, I fought it with every scripture I could and I watched out for the traps that would pull me down into that same pit. 

I fought not out of pure faith, but mostly out of fear.

I knew I couldn't fall into that pit again and so I stood on the only thing I could:

His word. 

I stood and trembled with fear and didn't move just in case I was near the edge.

In each new season after, I came to find myself struggling from being pulled into that same pit.

That pit is dark and the voices cry out against me and wickedly whispered 

"you aren't good enough" 

"You are a failure" 

"You never finish what you start"

 "You aren't strong" 

"you aren't able to do any of it."

I had fallen into the pit before and I refused to go back.

By the grace of God I never did,

but there were times when I caught myself from tripping in and I would land face first

and it took all my strength to pick myself up.

There were times when I would simply lie there

and be tempted to just slip in slowly and deal with it later. 

But I knew getting out would be torturous.

And the voices were fierce.

Not long ago I tripped and the pit was in front of me and

as I literally laid on the ground with my face to the floor,

I knew I couldn't get up on my own anymore.

I needed Jesus to pull me and carry me and talk to me the way a mother talks to her child. 

I needed Him to tell me

I was strong, I was brave, I was good. 

I needed Him to tell me,

this wasn't "the thorn in my flesh"

or a "battle" I'd have to fight for the rest of my life. 

I needed Him to save me.

I realized I was empty and my patches and quick fixes weren't holding.

I needed Him to break me,

shatter the pieces of my life that I kept trying to keep together on my own.

He did.

And I broke.

Little things that I had no idea I tried to keep all my own started to break.

 I found myself giving them to Him and not trying to fix them.

Parenting issues, marriage baggage, heart issues...I just passed them over. 

I couldn't fix them so, I resigned my place and handed them to Him.

I fully recognized that I am absolutely nothing without Him.

He is...period.

With that recognition,

He began to fill me and show me how to keep from being drained and dry.

He restored gifts and desires and purposes that I had forgotten about or dismissed.

 I realized that I was so busy trying to keep everything together

that I completely put aside who I was created to be;

that instead, I was trying to become what I thought I was suppose to be.

He called me to be a wife and mother. 

He gave me those ministries early on in my life

 and planned that calling at the tender age of 7. 

Those years when I was waiting and planning and hoping for my life to start,

He had already begun toiling and peeling and molding

for the callings he whispered to me years before.

My life in Him had already begun and I never fully realized that truth.

Those years of crying out and frustration and adolescent desires and dreams and fears

 were all a huge part of His teachings that I never fully understood to be useful.

His reasons and plans were all in preparation for what He created me for in this life.

I just never knew it until now.

I still don't know how it will all work together. 

I only know what's in front of me right now. 

I only know what He has called me to in this moment. 

I don't know where any of it will lead. 

I don't know what any of it will look like at the end of my days.

I do know, however, that He created all of us

for the purpose of fulfilling His great design for the Kingdom of God. 

I know that each of us has a story to tell and each of us has a reason for being called to Him. 

I know that He is always working and moving and that all we have to do is follow Him. 

He will lead and guide us even when we have no idea why, or what, or how, or when.

If you know His voice and if He has called you to be His, you know it's for something great. 

Your life is for something so much more than you can imagine. 

His reasons for You are unlike any others

and all you have to do is follow Him and

He will lead you to all He has for you.

Walk with Him. 

Love others. 

He'll fill in all the rest.

"And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

Psalms 1:3

The Story isn't Finished

I have questioned His way or reasons in my early life for many years, which you can read about here. 

Not questioned in a rebellious way, just pure wonder. I never understood His reasoning or purpose as to why He allowed my husband and I to walk together during our tumultuous and insecure adolescence for so many years before we could really commit to each other; and I simply resigned to believe that perhaps I never would understand, or it simply wasn't for me to know.

And then...like a soft wind that blows in the midst of a still dryness, He answered me. 

He answered a question that I figured had little significance or that mattered little in the grand scheme of my life.

I was wrong.

That question has kept me from understanding His purpose and ways in my life and the answer has been the key to realizing who I am and what I have been placed on this earth for.

That one answer has purposed me in ways I can't even explain.

But in order to finally get to that answer, in order to thirst for Him and His ways, I had to walk through the desert. 

Before I could walk on water, I had to travel through a dry and weary land.

I came to realize that my life up to this point consisted of goals and passions that all sort of culminated in that one August. 

That part of my life, that chapter in my story...it basically encompasses all of my life. 

That chapter, what I thought was the climax, was merely only a part of the rising action. In fact, it wasn't the rising action at all..it was the exposition...the beginning. 

God, the great author, was merely "setting the stage" and "developing" the plot.

I was working towards the goal of marrying my best friend, the goal of finally starting our life together, the goal of starting our family. Everything I did was for that purpose.

We started our life and family and it was all I had ever dreamed.

In my idealistic and romantic view of life, I didn't need anything else.

In my somewhat messed up theology, God had come through for us and everything was gonna work out because we loved Him and that's all I really needed Him for.

I thought the "falling action" would end in "Happily Ever After."

In stories and fairy tales you aren't told the whole story. You aren't told what happens after the "Ever After." You aren't told that the reality of life is that each chapter may seem to have beginnings and climaxes and endings...but the whole story is still being written by the author and finisher of our faith.

My story kept going...

And I wasn't having much say into how it was being written and there were times when I didn't even know how to read it.

That's where I got stuck.

God isn't finished writing your story. 

If you are still breathing, He's still writing. 

Your story has many climaxes and rising and falling actions and it keeps going. You may want to grab the pen and write it yourself, but the problem with that is that you don't know the plot. You don't know the ending. You don't know how the hero will be used or how the hero will stand and fight and lose and win and cry and live.

 If you try to write the story, you'll have to edit a lot and will still be left with nothing but a rough draft. 

If you allow Him to write your story...there will be no errors, no questions, no drafts. It will be complete and good and perfect.

He's still developing His character. His Hero.

He is still developing You.

The story is just beginning. 

"How can we picture God's Kingdom? What kind of story can we use? It's like a pine nut. when it lands on the ground it is quite small as seeds go, yet once it is planted it grows into a huge pine tree with thick branches. Eagles nest in it. With many stories like these he presented his message to them, fitting the stories to their experience and maturity. He was never without a story when he spoke." Mark 4:30-34 (The Message) 

Questioning His Ways

The Lord has been stirring things in me since the beginning...or perhaps even the end of last year, you cane read more here.

It has been an incredible, awesome, hard, on my face before God kinda time in my life.

And in these months of pouring out my heart, giving up my heart and wanting nothing more than to be filled with Him, I have come to some amazing revelations in my life.

You see, I have been a believer all my life. I was faithfully taken to church as a child...it's what we did. We went on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights and if it was revival time we were there all week!

My father would say, "We go to church when the doors are open and if you're sick, God will heal you when you get there!"

It was a part of life...no question.

I Love the Lord. 

I have always wanted to know more of Him, more of His word. I gave my life to Him when I was 7 years old and I believed everything I was taught. I believed the bible with all my heart.

When I was about 7, my family and I were at a church event and a boy who was about 9 years old and his family sat in front of us. He was a nice boy and he talked to me and was very sweet to me. That night I told my mother I was gonna marry that boy. She must have thought I was "precious."

I didn't think about that much as years went by.

I grew up some and came out of that awkward 7th grade year and turned out to be cute, girly and always told I had a "sweet nature." When I was 14, and to my girlish delight, that same boy, now pubescent and about 16; he asked me for my number! To my parents horror, the words of "I'm gonna marry that boy" came back to haunt them!

15 and almost 17...

My parents were watchful: somewhat extreme to an adolescent, yet perhaps very wise to hold a tight reign on their over romanticized, naive, idealist and dreamy young daughter.

We weren't allowed to date alone. For a time our time together consisted of youth/church
events; and
we were typical 90's kids, so the phone was extremely important to our courtship!

We were good, "christian" kids. We both loved the Lord and believed His word. 
We both desired to follow Jesus.

We knew we were called to keep our relationship pure. It was the 90's, so that whole movement of "True Love Waits" was huge and we knew it was good and it was what we were to strive for in our relationship.

We were not perfect...even the most watchful of parents can't be everywhere!

But our hearts desired purity and we desired to please God.

We wanted to get married...That boy was about 18 and I was almost 17 and going into my senior year.

We were told that if we decided to marry before I finished college, my parents would not pay for college or a wedding and it would basically be against their will.

That was very hurtful and devastating at the time. I do not begrudge my parents at all for their decision, I understand their motives looking back, though perhaps, I'm not sure if I would do the
same (and I pray I never have to), but they held strong to their convictions and for than I am grateful...they were wiser for all their years, yet at the time, it was a hard road to follow.

Despite the hardship, we obeyed and waited and I did what I had to do.

I chose the quickest route to finish college and graduated from Baylor University on August 9th, 2003.

I started working as a High school English Teacher on August 14th, 2003.

We bought a house on August 28th, 2003.

We finally, after waiting a little over 7 years, got married on August 30th, 2003.

It was a busy month! And it was amazing!

Everything I had worked so hard for, cried and prayed for...My whole life's dreams culminated in that one August and more so in those first few years of marriage. God blessed us abundantly.

You know how people say that first year of marriage is the toughest...not for us. It was the sweetest time in our lives. The most fun and memory filled and happiest of days.

Three years later we had a baby! A son. I became a mom. My other dream came true. And a few years after a sweet
baby girl...and then another pink bundle.

For years, I have wondered why. Why did God allow us to be together at such a young age? And not just together...but in love...in total "we want to get married and start our life now, but oh no we are only 15 years old" love! Why did He let us in on who our "person," "soul mate," the "love of my life", the " no doubt in my mind he is "the one," at such a tender and vulnerable age? Why did he let us walk through the years of waiting and striving for purity and messing up and starting over and the hurt and pain and guilt that came with all of that?

Those adolescent days hold some of my most precious, memorable, romantic and sweetest memories; and in spite of the long wait, I would not trade those days for anything and I would live them all over again without a doubt.

But, nonetheless, I always wondered why? Why me? Why us? What was it all for? 

I have thought this countless times and asked Him so many times. I always figured, "well maybe He'll use it for something...someday."

I didn't have any clue.

But in the light of day He has shown me truths about who He is and who I am and has answered so many questions I didn't even know to ask.

We will always have questions. We will always wonder what God is doing or planning or even thinking! There is no sin in that. The sin comes in when we go against what He is doing and instead, we do what we want to do.

The consequences to desiring our own pursuits can unravel your entire life and squander the purpose He has called you to. 

It's ok to get mad at God. It's ok tell Him you don't understand and tell Him that what He is doing hurts and stings and pulls and stretches. It's ok to be frustrated and even angry with Him.

He can handle it. 
He's a BIG GOD and you are His little child.

The same way your child gets angry and doesn't understand why...you, as their parent know the reason and you also know that all they need to do is obey and trust you.

God is the same way. 

The key is, despite the frustration, anger or uncertainty of where He is taking you, you let Him lead you and take you and sometimes maybe even drag you. All you have to do is let go of you and hold on to Him, knowing He sees your entire story played out from beginning to end. 

And maybe one day, He'll let you in on all the why's.
  

Come back on tomorrow and I'll tell you more about my story...

"Commit everything you do to the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the LORD and wait patiently for him to act." 

Psalsm 37:5

And so we begin...again

This new year has come forth with lots of new beginnings in my life.


Not grandiose start ups, but new in spirit and in goodness.


In these first three months of this year I have seen God become so real to me. I have heard Him more clearly than ever before. I have sought after Him with a greater desire and passion than I can remember.


It's been good.


On the other hand, I have never been more "out of control" in regards to living life. We have been more sick, more stressed, more physically tired. We have been tested in our parenting, our schooling, our marriage, our intentions and ideals.


But...it's still been good.


And in these last few months God has moved in my heart, in my passions, in my dreams and goals.


It has been overwhelming.


And so with all that being said, He has persuaded me to take up this blog once more and just share what He has been teaching me. To be vulnerable and real and let you in on the path He is walking out with me.


I don't know what it's gonna look like...I don't know where this path will lead, but I do know that I am nothing and He is my everything. For the first time in my life I see my Jesus with more vision and passion and purpose than ever before.


He is my everything. There is nothing or no one else like Jesus. And if, for my entire life he never again answers my prayers or moves in me or if I never see any fruit in all my toils, He will still be good and still be my God. No matter what, all glory, honor and power is in the name of Jesus. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord. And I am resolved to live my life for Him, forever and ever. Life isn't worth living without Him.


And so I begin this journey once more and I will take up my cross daily, whatever it may bear and follow Him where He leads me; and my prayer is not to have followers, but to just point to the One who was, and is, and is to come and that my words will be His words and my life will be a reflection of the One who lives in me.


It's gonna be crazy and beautiful and very good.


"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will be FAITHFUL to complete it." Philippians 1:6 

A flower by any other name...

With my first two kids I had names picked out. I knew exactly what their names would be, no pronblem.

When I was pregnant with my first born my husband wanted a boy. He was not ashamed to speak it out loud, he wanted a boy and that was that. I was a little worried that it may not be a boy for his sake, but I wanted a boy too. I always liked the idea of having an older brother.

And sure enough...it's a boy! We named him Samuel.

I loved the name and I loved that story of the bible. Paraphrasing, Hannah was barren and wanted a baby so badly. She goes to the temple and is crying like a mad lady and Eli comes to her and is like, "are you drunk lady?" And I totally relate to this because when I am really upset or sad about something I can cry like a blubbering fool! So then she asks for a son and sure enough she gets preggo and has a son and then, after the baby is weaned she gives her son to God and he becomes the greatest prophet, Samuel.

I just love that.

Samuel means, "asked of God."

And that's what I did. I asked God for a son. A son who would be strong and independent. A son who would be like his daddy in so many ways. A son who would love the Lord with all his heart and would commit his life to Him. A son who would be a leader, a good brother, a good friend.

And I got that. He is a sweet boy. A great big brother. And he is just like his dad! Strong and independent (Ok so maybe I didn't know what I was gonna get!) He is worth all of it!

When I was pregnant with Baby girl I knew I was having a girl. The Lord had told me this and he said that I neede to really work out some of my issues before this precious child enetered the world. I was going to have a sweet baby girl who in many ways would be just like me...and she so is! I would have a baby girl who would carry with her some of the things I needed to truly break from my life so that I could help her break them so much earlier in her life.

It was a hard pregnancy, not physically, but emotionally. We had grandparents die within a month of each other, we had storms, real ones and metaphorical ones come in and tear up our home and tear up my mind.

It was a pregnacy filled with tears, guilt, fear, sadness.

I had such guilt for the feelings I had, because I felt like my faith was almost nothing. I couldn't trust the Lord and that tore me up inside.

And then Emma came. And in hold my precious baby girl, my faith was restored. Every fear, every tear vanished. She was my saving grace. She reminded me that no matter what was going on around me, after a year of pain and fear and insecurity, she was a christmas gift with a big red bow that reminded me that God is always with me.

Emma means " God is with us."

And so with baby #3 I was very much torn on what to name baby.

We found out it was a girl a few weeks ago! A sweet baby girl, wrapped in pink! I love girls :)

We were between two and I really couldn't decide. I wanted her name to mean something, to be as significant as my other two. I was explaining this to my husband while we were getting ready for church.

At church this past Sunday, during praise and worship I was praying that the Lord would tell me the name. That I would just know without a doubt.

And then this song came on and tears started pouring down. The bridge was sang and I was filled with joy and peace...

"Jesus Messiah

Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel...

All our hope is in You

All our hope is in You
All the glory to You, God
The light of the world."

We have been blessed in naming our baby girl, Elleyna Ruth Portilla. Elleyna means light and my prayer is that she will be just that. A light to our family and everyone she meets. A light in this dark world.


"Dear Father, I am so excited to meet my sweet girl. Two girls! I pray over their relationship, I pray over their friendship. I pray for my son, that he will be thier protector and that he will be in love with both of them. That he will treasure his sisters and see what a blessed boy he is. I pray for Elleyna, that she will be all that her name means and more. Thank you for such blessing. In your precious name, Amen."