Monday, April 6, 2009

God with Us

My pregnancy with baby girl was not one I would call pleasant.

My pregnancy was unfortunately filled with tears. I am convinced I had pre-post partum depression. I lived in sadness and guilt and my hormones had a great deal of control.

I had great guilt over the fact that I was not enjoying my pregnancy. With my first, I had an amazing pregnancy. I was happy, over the moon, joyful. It was easy and sweet. And I was very guilty over the fact that this pregnancy was not like the first.

And I never spoke this outloud until after the fact, but I was so afraid. I was terrified that something was going to go wrong. Everytime they checked for the heart beat, my own heart would stop. I found myself not able to breathe during those first few moments. Sonograms were anxiety filled. And before delivery I was shaking so much I barely got control.

I never spoke out my fear in fear that it would somehome become truth. I just fought the fear as best as I could.

And, one of the first things I said to my sweet baby girl when we were all alone in the hospital room was that I was sorry.

"I'm sorry Mommy cried so much. I'm sorry of the stress I gave you inside of me. I love you and wanted you so much. I'm sorry I was so sad."
I was blessed to give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She is perfect, more than I ever imagined. She came out with a head full of light brown hair, which has streaks of red and gold which especially shines in the sun. And her eyes are still bright blue which match her sweet, sensitive, slightly pale skin.
I could never be more blessed or content.
And as we entered into this new life, both hers and mine, there were moments when the guilt still presides.
Baby girl is a little more sensitive than her brother. I would say she cries a little more than he did. And I know babies cry but the guilt says she cries more because I cried so much. And it wasn't until she began smiling and laughing that I began to believe differently.

With every smile and every gurgling laugh, the guilt is stripped away. And the fact that she coos and blow bubbles more than her brother ever did is even more rewarding.

I am amazed at what God has done through me because of this sweet child. He brought me through storm after storm. He held me and took care of me even when I in many ways turned my back on him and had no faith and no trust. And then he blessed me more than I deserved.

Emma means God with us...and I now see that he was with me.

"Father I am overwhelmed with love for you. I am so blessed. Thank you for the storms. Thank you for having patience with me and for standing by me and carrying me through them when I didn't think I could endure anything more. Thank you for your sweet reward that came in a precious bundle of pink."

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