Positive Thinking

I would usually consider myself to be a positive person. See the glass half full kinda girl. You know...optimistic.

Lately...the optimism has wavered...well, actually it is almost non existent.

And the thing is, despite all the bad that has occurred lately; despite the storms we have faced, teh tragedy and sheer stress of everything there is so much good that is going on as well.

I want so much to focus on that good. To be optimistic where I can see that it definitely outwieghs the bad but I am struggling to do so.

My days are filled with different struggles both emotionally and mentally...I see all these things that are out of my control and I feel like crumbling.

But then there are glimpses of pure joy, excitement and contentment that I can't deny. Sweet moments of watching my son play or goof around and be the perfect little guy he is. Planning the baby room and starting on allthe projects I desire to do for her. Having my husband love on me because I know he wants most of all for me to be me again. To be happy all the time like I use to be.

But those moments are awashed with anxiousness, fear and tormenting thoughts. I want desperately to control my thinking but it's hard. I want to be me and be happy and get over the mourning but it's hard.

I know there is a light somewhere. I know what I have to do if only I could get my heart in the right place.

"Father I am desperate for hope. I am desperate for joy. I am desperate for rest. You know all the struggles we are facing right now. You know the struggles I am facing. Carry me through this...drag me if you have to, but help me to feel your comfort and know you are working it all for good. My mind knows to trust you, my mind knows to have faith and to give it all to you to take care of...but my heart is struggling. My heart is what needs to be mended. I give it to you. In your precious name, Amen."

Mama Estela

Estela - of latin origin meaning "Star."

On February 16th, 1929 a star came into the world.

It was not an ordinary star. Perhaps it did not shine as bright as others; perhaps this star was not as glorious; but from the moment she took her first breath to her last, this star was constant, steadfast, and faithful.

In 1945, at the age of 16, Estella Morales married Jaime Aldana in Guatemala City, Guatemala and thus, she began her life as the wife of a minister and evangelist. From the beginning she was called to be the star that would encourage, direct and strengthen her husband and future family.

Jaime and Estella Aldana traveled all throughout Central America spreading the good news of Christ. Many days were filled with hardships and fear, yet her courage and strength always shone bright in the midst of turmoil. When others around them abandoned them and renounced their God, Estella stood firm in her faith and at her husband’s side as they continued on their journey.

In 1963, she sacrificed all that she knew and was familiar with and left her home for the United States. Jaime had been called to plant one of the first Spanish speaking churches on the Texas border and so, with her husband and children, they began a new life.

Once in the U.S, life was not easy. Though without family or friends nearby and unable to speak the language, never once did Estella’s spark falter or fade.

Many times she could have given up.
Many times she could have broken faith.
She never did.

She paid many prices and sacrificed much so that her family would learn that no matter what, she was faithful, because her God was always faithful.

So, with ten children of various ages to feed, she took stride and did all she could do for her children’s sake. For years she worked two jobs, cleaning hotel rooms and offices while still assisting her husband at their church and singing in the choir. Through the years she became a prayer warrior and every day, without fail, she unceasingly lifted up prayers for her children and grandchildren.

Time went on. Battles of life continued, but Estella still remained constant, steadfast and faithful.

When her husband suffered various strokes; when he could no longer walk or speak, she became his voice. She became his loyal star that never once left his side until he went to be with their Savior.

And she continued to shine bright for her family, a family that had grown to overflowing for she was blessed to have loved 10 children, 18 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren.

To her family she was a light source. She was radiant and bright. She helped guide them when life was dark and made clear their uncertain paths. She was a comfort, and encourager and friend.

It is because of her faithfulness to Christ that her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are also faithful to Him.

She was constant, steadfast and faithful and such beams that shone through her will continue to shine through them and towards our Heavenly Father.


Dedicated to Paula Estela Aldana or "Mamaestela"
February 16, 1929 - September 17, 2008

~Con todo mi amor~

Faltering

One month ago yesterday my husband's grandfather passed.
Yesterday morning my sweet grandmother passed.
The hurricane hit on Friday and took pieces of our roof with it. My son's room is basically unlivable - carpet is up and damaged, sheet rock is damage, windows and doors are damaged.

My faith has faltered. My strength is gone. I can't find any joy or peace. My trust in God is lacking. I'm tired.

I'm worried about my baby. I pray that atleast God is protecting her so that she won't feel the pain I am feeling.

All I can do is whisper these lyrics in prayer because I am having a hard time with anyother words...

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place How did my heart become so lifeless and cold Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind. I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give. I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core, I can't fake it anymore.

Here I am at the end, I'm in need of resurrection. Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead.

What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption, You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again.

You speak and all creation falls to its knees. You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea. You have a way of turning winter to spring. Make something beautiful out of all this suffering.

Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection. Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead. What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption. You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again.

You have a way of turning winter to spring Make something beautiful out of all this suffering.

Nicol Sonberg - Ressurection

Precious Sights

I just left my son to be put to bed by his father.

It was a rather precious sight and I wish with every ounce of me that I could capture that moment on film.

Just snap away and keep it with me.

Crazy kid is a big boy for his age I guess. One pound for all 37 inches of him. Most days I think, "My goodness child you are so big," especially when I haven't gotten any smaller and when trying to carry said 37 lbs. up the stairs because he fell asleep in the car is quite a challenge.

But today, I looked at him and thought, "He is still so small." His head reaches the door knob.

I watched my husband sit down on the rocker and my son jump into his lap, he looked so small and precious. Of course not anything like those first few months of tinyness, but still small.

He curled up in his father's lap and rested his head on his chest.

Oh my.

He is so independant and very strong willed and sometimes, no, many times, throughout the day I have a hard time parenting. Many times I feel very unsuccessful at this whole mothering thing.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if he were one of those easy going kind of kids. He isn't. He has an opinion and he will not let up.

And then I think, I am gald he is so strong willed. It is a great trait and if we do a good job, maybe he will turn that into great confidence and a strong mind of his own that won't follow the crowd or be swayed in wrong directions.

And tonight as I looked at my two boys holding each other I thought, this kid is the best kid in the world. How long will he fit into his father's arms? Worse, how long will he want to fit into his father's arms? How long will he want mine?

He is so sweet and charming and funny. And he loves us. He loves me. And man, do I love him. I could never ask for anything better. And even though he may test me, his personality is making me into a better person. He teaches me more than I could teach him.

I could never ask for anything more.

"Father, thank you for my son. He is such a precious gift. Thank you for his personality, his spirit, his fun loving nature and his charm. Father I know I am not the best mom, no matter how much I try or even sometimes pretend to be, but I just figured out that even if I am not, he thinks I am. He teaches me things all day long and I thank you for that. Protect my baby, keep him small a little while longer and mostly, let me remember and treasure these moments forever. And let him grow into the man you desire him to be. In your precious name, Amen. "

Bitten

I am not feeling well today. I have had a sinus infection for the past few days and it has not been much fun. There must be something in the air because it came on rather quickly and with little effort. This is my second sinus infection since being pregnant. I told you about the first here and so far...I am not very happy about it.

My husband and son have both been sick as well. My son has been more sniffily and either he just isn't phased by it or he copes much better than the two of us.

My husband is feeling much better now. He has had quite an advantage being that he can take meds that help him sleep while I suffer through the night, plagued by nastiness and a sore throat. My only comfort is the vicks and chloreseptic spray that sit by the bed.

In fact, my husband had two shots of nyquil last night and even though I kissed him hard right after he drank the medicine, I, unfortunately, did not gain anything from it.

The worst of it is that I have been bitten.
Yup.
Bitten by the nesting bug. And thus far, few of my attempts have succeeded.

I fianlly got the piece that I needed for my sewing machine, but alas, (you don't hear that word much anymore...alas...I have been re-reading my anne of green gables series and I had to use it), the machine for some reason isn't working. I have looked through the manual, online and have changed everything I needed to change, i.e. needle, tension, etc. and yet nothing seems to work. I even cleaned it some and still...nothing. The thread keeps like bunching underneath inside the groovy thing and I can't seem to figure out why. So, sewing a burp cloth took me 1 hour instead of 10 minutes.

My husband said he would buy me a new one and I am going to take him up on that because I need a new, good one to sew all the projects I have in mind for baby girl.

Nonetheless, I did manage to clean out my "Monica closet," being our downstairs closet. It was scary...I call it my Monica closet, alluding of course to FRIENDS, you know, the one where Monica won't let Chandler into the back closet and he flips out wondering why and thinking she is hiding Richard back there and when he finally gets it open it turns out that closet is super messy and overloaded with junk. Picture a closet with so much stuff in it you can't walk in...yeah, that WAS my "Monica closet."

But now it is clean. Yea me!

And then I organzied our video trunk. Somehome all the videos and DVD we have had been carelessly thrown into that trunk with no organization whatsoever so...I cleaned it and put all the DVD's together and all the vidoes together. Looks good.

So, even though I don't feel great, I got some stuff done. But there is so much more!

"Dear Lord, heal my head and nose and throat father. Help me sleep tonight. I really need my rest. Help my husband and son feel better and evaporate all teh germs in the house. Help me to get all that I need to get done, done. I feel the need to revamp everything so give me the energy and time to do so. You are so good. In your precious name, Amen."

Spanish Speakers

One of our goals is to teach our kids Spanish.
Both my husband and I speak Spanish fluently. We were fortunate and blessed to have spoken it consistently in our homes when we were growing up.

I actually went into Kindergarten speaking broken english with a slight accent. Of course, I caught on rather quickly and actually lost some of my speaking skills. I could always understand it very well and I speak it well, though not often. Now I speak spanish with a slight english accent.

My husband, on the other hand speaks spanish more regularly than I. He has used it throughout his career and since both of his parents and grandparents mainly speak spanish, he always converses with them in it.

Our second language became quite handy in school. I breezed through my courses in High School and got 6 college hours from my AP scores, plus another 4 hours from a CLEP test. My husband did the same and earned 12 hours from the CLEP tests.

We always promised ourselves that our kids would learn Spanish. It is very important to us. Of course, not until recently did we discover that this was going to be a challenge.

The thing is...we don't really speak Spanish at home.

Sometimes when we are talking about people in a nearby vicinity we will speak in Spanish, hoping they don't understand. And then, when he is being mean or taking something too far and we are in other company I will snap at him in Spanish and tell him to quit soon. And then, of course, when we are trying to make a decision without others knowing what we are talking about we pull out our Spanish.

Our friends don't particularly like this and probably get annoyed when we do these things but...what can I say, we are blessed to have this secret language!

So, as I stated before, we are trying to speak more Spanish at home so our kid can pick it up and learn our native language.

So far, this is what he knows...

1. Gracias - Thank You (though he feels he must translate this everytime I say it. I say, "Gracias" and he responds "Thank you." I try to prompt him to say, "De nada," or "your welcome," but for some reason he isn't getting that one.

2. Hola and Adios (though he says the latter with a very gringo accent...I guess we will tackle one thing at a time!)

3. Te quiero - I love you.

4. Mucho - Very much.

5. He can count to 5, though he skips the three, but he skipped three in english for a very long time so...subconciously he does not like the number 3.

6. Mas - more.

Then...we have the other list. The not so appropriate list...and here goes...

1. Conio - This a mostly Cuban term and it means...darn it, sorta.

2. Vaya te Lucy - Go away Lucy (our dog. She is loved, just annoying.)

3. Puchica - um...meaning, for crying out loud, but not so nice. It's like saying Shut instead of S#$&. Kinda, at least that's the idea.

4. Huevitos - Little balls...don't think too hard about this one.

So...I think we are on the right track!

Whoa Mommy...

Monday morning we all happily slept in a bit. We had spent Sunday at a cousin's house swimming and having a great time.

Crazy did not take a nap at all the previous day which was not planned, but luckily for us he managed very well since he was having so much fun swimming with his cousins.

So, due to the lack of sleep, he managed to sleep quite late on Monday. My husband was greatly relieved because he played just as hard as little one...In fact, I'm not sure who had more fun. After 5 hours of volleyball, basketball and animal ball, he was very sore and tired.

Crazy finally trotted down the stairs and climbed into bed with us. He loves it when daddy is home because his routine is to come downstairs and roll around the bed and wrestle with him. Where am I? On the edge of the bed trying to get just a few more seconds of sleep while at the same time trying not to get jabbed.

His new thing is to lift up my shirt and say hi to the baby. He hugs my tummy and says, "Hi baby, what you doin? Taking a bath. Ok baby." I don't know where he picked this up from but this is his little saying to her every day.

He then will proceed to hug "the baby," i.e. my tummy, and kiss the baby and then he will schulerbert the baby.

Well this morning he begins his routine, gets on his knees and tries to lift my shirt. Then, all of a sudden he falls onto his knees and and with big round eyes he says, "Whoa mommy, your tummy's big!"

My husband and I laugh! And I say, "baby is getting bigger." He nods his head in disbelief and pulls up his shirt and says, "My tummy's little but yours is big mama."

So...I guess my tummy is getting big!

"Father, thank you for a healthy, growing baby. Thank you for a sweet brother who loves his sister so much even now. Lord help me as I go into the last few months of this perfect pregnancy. Help me sleep and not be anxious. Help me stay healthy and help me be strong. And give my husband the desire to massage my back every day! Seriously, that would be nice, but mostly help him meet my needs...it's hard chasing after a rambunctious toddler and getting bigger every day (that is for the both of us!). Thank you for such a good and caring husband. Protect us. In your precious name, Amen."

Labor Day!

We had a rather uneventful labor day which was good because our weekend was super busy! I am still looking for normalcy and hopefully I will find and rest in it during September! Our calendar is pretty full so I guess we'll see! So anyways...since I really have little to say and even though this is a bit late I am going to do this fun meme about my special "Labor" Day! Go to Rocks in my Dryer for more fun reads.


How long were your labors?

I suppose 10 hours. I had been in the hospital overnight due to slight toxemia which actually wasn't toxemia in the end but either way, crazy was already atleast 8 lbs and timing worked out well. I didn't want a 9 lb baby! So the pitosin began around 5 am, nurses came in and were giving me that stuff every 20 minutes. Nothing. 8 hours later and finally dialated to 2 centimeters they finally broke my water. 2 Hours later I called the doctor in and said I'm done...lets finish this.

How did you know you were in labor?
I wasn't. I had contractions but barely. 1 False alarm a few days before. Apparently all teh TV shows of the past were wrong...they want you like 2 minutes apart not 5!

Where did you deliver?
Hospital.

Drugs?
Yes. HECK yes. Of course I barely dialated but they came in a little after I got around to the 2 and gave me some stuff. The contractions were every minute and at 90% but fortunately I really wasn't hurting. I was more tired and annoyed.

C-section?
As far as I'm concerned that's the best way to do it! C-sections rock. I should make a t-shirt!

Who delivered?
My Doctor. And a few others were in the room. I don't remember much I was pretty drugged!

So that's about it! We'll see how this next one fares... Happy Labor day!

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart.
These past few weeks I have had a very heavy spirit. I have been restless. I have been sensitive to everything. I cry over so many things...more than usual. I have been vulnerable.

And at the same time, I have been weak. Mentally and physically. I have allowed my mind to wander and overtake my emotions and my feelings. I have allowed my mind to gain control once again. I have been needlessly defensive and insensitive towards others as part of my own messed up defense mechanism.

This past week...no, for the past few weeks, I have felt as if all God brought me through at the begining of the year was in vain. All those same rush of insecurities came over me once more and they have been building on each other. I have felt fake and insecure in every surrounding. I felt like I was back in square one.

As I said, this had been building. It didn't just happen. It had slowly been overwhelming me again. And you would think I would do something about it. You think I would see myself cowering and fight or speak truth or something.

Honestly...it's like the enemy knew all that we would be dealing with this month and he just pushed or saw how vulnerable I was and took the cheap shot and I had nothing.

It's my fault. Have I prayed about this? Desperate prayers...maybe. Have I read the word and fought back? No. I took it. I took the shot and fell.

Worse...I put up crazy defenses and in the process hurt a friend.

And I know we are fine. I know we'll be great. But I am so angry at myself because I could have been on my guard. I could have guarded my tongue and my heart. I was vulnerable and instead of reaching out I struck another's feelings. It hurts. I might even venture to say it is hurting me now more than I hurt her. My mind is allowing it to all fester and I have to find the will to fight it.

But honestly...my heart has just been so heavy and tired. I need strength.

"Father forgive me for hurting my precious friend. Forgive me for not forgiving myself. Forgive me for being weak. Forgive me for putting up a wall and falling to the lies of the enemy. Forgive me for not having control of my mind and of my tongue. Forgive me for not holding on to you. Forgive me for having to learn these lessons over and over again. Give me strength. Mend my heart and continue to transform my mind. lighten my heart and spirit. Comfort me. In your precious name, Amen."