Positive Thinking

I would usually consider myself to be a positive person. See the glass half full kinda girl. You know...optimistic.

Lately...the optimism has wavered...well, actually it is almost non existent.

And the thing is, despite all the bad that has occurred lately; despite the storms we have faced, teh tragedy and sheer stress of everything there is so much good that is going on as well.

I want so much to focus on that good. To be optimistic where I can see that it definitely outwieghs the bad but I am struggling to do so.

My days are filled with different struggles both emotionally and mentally...I see all these things that are out of my control and I feel like crumbling.

But then there are glimpses of pure joy, excitement and contentment that I can't deny. Sweet moments of watching my son play or goof around and be the perfect little guy he is. Planning the baby room and starting on allthe projects I desire to do for her. Having my husband love on me because I know he wants most of all for me to be me again. To be happy all the time like I use to be.

But those moments are awashed with anxiousness, fear and tormenting thoughts. I want desperately to control my thinking but it's hard. I want to be me and be happy and get over the mourning but it's hard.

I know there is a light somewhere. I know what I have to do if only I could get my heart in the right place.

"Father I am desperate for hope. I am desperate for joy. I am desperate for rest. You know all the struggles we are facing right now. You know the struggles I am facing. Carry me through this...drag me if you have to, but help me to feel your comfort and know you are working it all for good. My mind knows to trust you, my mind knows to have faith and to give it all to you to take care of...but my heart is struggling. My heart is what needs to be mended. I give it to you. In your precious name, Amen."