Exhaustion

I have never been so tired. I don't remember being this tired in my other pregnancies.

Have I mentioned that I am tired.

Falling asleep as I type tired.

So....this blog will have to go on hold till I have more to say because....I'm tired.

Truth- my house is sort of a mess and I haven't done laundry in like two weeks. I have to get some loads in because my son has one pair of underwear left that are clean.

So I am praying for renewed energy. Because....I am so tired.

Growing a peanut is hard work.

"Father, I am weary, I can barely keep my eyes open. There are morning where I fall asleep on the couch and I don't know what my children are up to in that hour or so. Thank you for TV and movies. Thank you for mercy and grace during this time. Father, tenderly carry me through this and give me a renewed strength to get through each day. In your precious name, Amen."

We're having a baby...

I will take on the tiredness,
I will take on the nausea.

I've never been thrilled about the stretchmarks
and I don't like the uncomfortable sleepless nights.

Pickles and Ice cream have never been my crave,
but sweet tea and cocoa puffs are yumm (though not together!)

9 months and counting. 40 weeks.

Grow my sweet baby, for the Lord has numbered your days
and knew you were growing in me before I did.

I am called to motherhood one more time.
How good and sweet it is!

"Father, I am beyond thrilled. Lord, bless this pregnancy. Make it sweet and healthy. Cover my baby in my womb. Let this pregnancy be the best one yet! In your precious name, Amen."

I surrender All

I've been thinking about surrendering to God and what that means and entails.

I've been wondering if I have ever, really, done that.

Really...

I've been a believer all my life. I have loved the Lord all my life. I have sought Him, I have found Him, I have pleaded with Him, I have cried our for Him, I have been blessed by Him, I have been humbled by Him, I have been healed by Him, I have felt His arms wrapped around me, I have felt as if I had lost Him.

I have grown, I have struggled, I have rejoiced, I have persevered...but have I surrendered everything to Him?

I guess the question is my answer.

I have surrendered many things. Mostly the easy things and even some of the hard stuff.

I have surrendered over my husband to Him, and even my children. I trust Him with them. It took a while and I still at times fear for them, but, when I do, I get my head in check, I pray over them and trust Him. I pray for them daily. Throughout the day. That's all I really can do and I trust Him.

I trust my home to Him. I surrender my earthly possessions to Him.

I even trust Him with my life.

But I don't think I have completely surrendered my life to Him.

I have given Him my life. I have asked Him to use me as his vessel...with conditions. I have confessed my sins, except for the real secret ones that no one really knows about and they really aren't that bad. I trust him with my future as long as it for the most part falls into place the way I have planned it out. I surrendered my dreams and I want them to work out the way I have dreamed them to work out.

So...I am missing something. I say I trust, but to a point.

I don't really pray for myself. I pray differently for myself than I pray for others. When I pray for others, I pray with conviction. I pray the word.

When I pray for myself, my prayers are more like pleadings.

Lord please help me today. Help me have energy. Help me get everything done. Help me not eat too much. Help me to drink water. Help me to get up and read you word. Help me to find time to excercise. Help me to be productive. Help me to speak turth and encouragement. Help me be a good mom. Help me be fun today.

See...pleadings. And as I write this I see a correlation in all these pleadings...it's all about me.

I haven't surrendered me.
If I had, I wouldn't continue to struggle and be defeated in these things. I would be victorious because of His strength and not my own.

And I haven't stopped fighting Him at times.

I haven't given up full control. I haven't surrendered.

What does surrendering mean?

I think surrendering all to God is giving in to Him daily. I don't think it's something we do once and we are free. I think it's a daily prayer, "Lord today I give over myself to you. My selfish ambition, what I want for me, what is not good for me, what I desire I put aside and ask that you fill me with what you desire instead. Make me hungry for you. Make me holy, refine me and then use me however you think is best and all for your glory."

That has to be a daily prayer. Because, we are selfish. We are born into sin and we want what we want when we want it.

If I want to be used by God with conditions, I am limiting Him to do what HE wants to do in my life for others.

If I want to be obedient and be free from bondage, but I can't let go of the little choices I make that yeah, maybe they don't hurt anyone, but they do hurt me because I am choosing to be disobedient.

I get this now. I want to surrender it all. I want to be free. I don't want to hold on to any of this anymore. I want to just let it Go. I want to know that I TRUST GOD. I trust Him. I can be free in Him. I can trust Him.


"Father, I surrender. I surrender. I surrender. Take my empty desires away and fill them with yours. Take my need to control things and fill them with rest. I can't do it all. I can't be strong without you. I can't do anything without you. I surrender. Everyday. I surrender. Fill me to be what you desire me to be."

On Waiting

Waiting...
Not so good at it.

Patience...

Still trying to grow in that.

Knowing that God has perfect timing...

I have been shown that so many times, you think I would get it by now.

And I do. Sorta.

My heart believes it, but my mind...well, I'm constantly trying to get it in check.

And so I wait.

We have been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months now.

So far...nothing.

We never had to really try with our first two, it was just fun and done!

And by try, I mean, we are still just having fun. I'm not going to any measures, just sorta timing it as best as possible, but that's about it.

And so, we wait.

It took me so long to be ok with the idea of having another one. Honestly, I'm still a little afraid of having another one. Pre- and Post partum depression is not fun. It's not fun at all.

I'm a little of afraid of going to the dark side again. I hate that place. But, this time I am prayed up and fighting with the only thing I can fight with, the Word.

I wasn't prepared for the battle with baby girl. I totally lost that one. I ran away, gave in, gave up. I believed every lie, cried every day.

I beleive that PPD goes further than just hormones, I know that has a lot to do with it, but I honestly believe that it is a spiritual battle.

How can we be the wives and mothers that God has called us to be and has blessed us to be when we can barely get out of bed in the mornings or when we are hiding in our rooms crying for no reason at all?

So, this time I am ready. I am praying against it, of course, but in case the darkness tries to take over, I'm fighting this time.

And in the meantime, I'm waiting. Maybe God is taking the time of waiting for preparing me and training me.

It's just hard waiting.

"Father, I make it a rule not to pray for patience :) but, I guess I'll break that rule and ask for a measure of patience. After months of fearing and not wanting, I'm ready. I think I'm ready. I want this. I desire one more. I don't think my family is complete. But when? Help me to be ready for whatever comes along and the whenever. In your precious name, Amen."

The Rules of Femininity

A few weeks ago we were late about to head out to church. I was dresses nicely, earrings, perfume and the kids were in church clothes (our church is of the come as you are mode so church clothes for the boy involve jeans and a nice t-shirt or sometimes a collared shirt and of course I dress the girl up on most days!). I even had on some new shoes that I had fallen in love with and was thrilled to wear them, but when I went to put them on I noticed my toes.

Of course I had noticed that I haven't had a pedicure in more months than I can count, but neither have I given myself a home mani/pedi in quite a while.

Well, we were already cutting it close and so I rummaged around to try to find a color so I could do that magic trick of painting over the existing polish.

Raise your hand if you have pulled out that trick before!

I didn't think I was alone!

But get this....I couldn't find any polish. Nothing.

I had recently cleaned out under my sink and had thrown out lots of polishes and had evidently organized it all so well that I couldn't find anything!

My husband was calling for me to get going, the kids were already strapped in the car, I couldn't fnd any shoes that would look as well without changing outfits and I haven't gotten to organizing my closet yet!

So I went to church. With unpolished toes. Not just unpolished. Chipped.

Luckily the shoes were only peep toed, but still.

Mom, if you are reading this, I am sorry. Totally goes against how I was brought up!

I seriously was very embarrased. I kept trying to hide my feet. And the worst part was that I had new, pretty shoes.

So sad.

So I came to the decision that it's about time I staop neglecting my beauty manegemant.

When I was in college and highschool I took care of myself.

AT HOME!

I didn't rely on spa's and the nail salon, I didn't have money for that then and I can't justify it (or find the time for it) now.

So, I am on the mission to do the same...to take time for me and my skin, my feet, my nails, my hair, etc.

I am on a mission to prevent, to shrink and to clear up.

So bring on the face cream, the masques, the cucumbers, the polishes and conditioners, the excercise (gasp)!

I am going to follow the rules of Femininity!
Every Wednesday I will have maybe a tip, or challenge or just a recap of what I am doing to keep up with my femininity.

This week...Shrinking my pores. I'm off to Ulta to find a good Peel and Clay Mask!

And now I leave you with the sweet song from Summer Magic....

What are your rules of Femininity? Any tips?

"Father thank you for making me a woman. For the joy of being feminine and pretty. For feeling good about myself when I take care of myself and for having the discipline to do so daily. Thank you for razors and haircuts, for make up and pretty jewelry and clothes! Help me to care for my temple in every area, what I put in it and on it and may it all be for your glory alone. In you precious name, Amen."

I am linking up @

Works for Me Wednesday

Titus 2 tuesdays

Raising Homemakers

Weekend Birthday Bash

What a fun, crazy weekend! We celebrated my boy turning 5! We had a spiderman bounce house which was a big hit, pinata with lots of candy, the cake made by yours truly and lots of fun toys! The boy had a great time!

Spring forward caught us off gaurd some so we will be adjusting today and since it is stormy on this first day of spring break and a monday, we have officially declared it as a movie day.

Oh, and a previously loose tooth is not VERY loose and will probably fall out today (which I am a little freaked out about and praying he doesn't swallow it!) I'll keep you posted!

And so the pictures....

"Father, Thank you for 5 years. Thank you for fun b-day parties and for celebrations. Thank you for my boy! In your precious name, Amen."

Half a decade

For half a decade I have had the calling of being mama, mommy, and mom.
For half a decade I have awaken to the joy of a small boy wanting "bweakfist."
For half a decade I have enjoyed shows like Curious George and Clifford.
For half a decade I have been hugged and kissed each day by sticky hands and jam covered lips.
For half a decade I have played, and chased and tickled.
For half a decade I have kissed boo boos away and prayed for sweet dreams.
For half a decade I have rocked, snuggled and cuddled.
For half a decade I have been challenged, overwhelmed and forgiven.
For half a decade I have loved and been loved more than I thought possible.

5 Years have passed, not slow but rather fast and I can still remember that first night of cries, that first smile and that first laugh that passed from you precious lips, how my heart leaped.

5 Years have passed, not slow but rather fast and I can remember your first bath, that sweet baby smell of lavender and milk, your soft, soft perfect skin.

5 Years have passed, not slow, but rather fast and now before me stands a boy. With dreams and fears, with superhero powers and time for only a quick kiss and cuddle.
5 Years have passed, not slow but rather fast and I can see glimpses into the future of a boy who grows in stature and in the Lord as his namesake. The boy will one day soon become a man and so...

the next five years I will treasure even more the ministry of being mom.

The joy of being the one who knows how he likes his cereal, the one who knows which super hero squad he likes, the one who knows he hates being dirty, the one who knows where he left his DS and the one he still goes to when he's hurt.
I'll be the one he kisses goodnight for a few years more, the one who will continue to face his challenges with him head on and on my knees as well, the one who will love him more always.

I have a few more half decades of all those joys. A few more half decades still.

"Father thank you for blessing me with the greatest ministry of mommyhood. Thank you for my son. You knew I needed him more that he needed me. Thank you Father. I pray over the next 5 years. I pray that he grows into a strong, sweet, confident boy and that he finds all that he needs in You. In your precious name, Amen."

Linking up

@works for me Wednesday

@titus 2 Tuesdays

@ Thankful Thursdays