Waiting... Not so good at it.
Patience...
Still trying to grow in that.
Knowing that God has perfect timing...
I have been shown that so many times, you think I would get it by now.
And I do. Sorta.
My heart believes it, but my mind...well, I'm constantly trying to get it in check.
And so I wait.
We have been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months now.
So far...nothing.
We never had to really try with our first two, it was just fun and done!
And by try, I mean, we are still just having fun. I'm not going to any measures, just sorta timing it as best as possible, but that's about it.
And so, we wait.
It took me so long to be ok with the idea of having another one. Honestly, I'm still a little afraid of having another one. Pre- and Post partum depression is not fun. It's not fun at all.
I'm a little of afraid of going to the dark side again. I hate that place. But, this time I am prayed up and fighting with the only thing I can fight with, the Word.
I wasn't prepared for the battle with baby girl. I totally lost that one. I ran away, gave in, gave up. I believed every lie, cried every day.
I beleive that PPD goes further than just hormones, I know that has a lot to do with it, but I honestly believe that it is a spiritual battle.
How can we be the wives and mothers that God has called us to be and has blessed us to be when we can barely get out of bed in the mornings or when we are hiding in our rooms crying for no reason at all?
So, this time I am ready. I am praying against it, of course, but in case the darkness tries to take over, I'm fighting this time.
And in the meantime, I'm waiting. Maybe God is taking the time of waiting for preparing me and training me.
It's just hard waiting.
"Father, I make it a rule not to pray for patience :) but, I guess I'll break that rule and ask for a measure of patience. After months of fearing and not wanting, I'm ready. I think I'm ready. I want this. I desire one more. I don't think my family is complete. But when? Help me to be ready for whatever comes along and the whenever. In your precious name, Amen."
1 comment:
Sorry I forget how i came across your blog but I have been poking around reading old posts. I understand the need for patience. Not sure if you are familiar with the practice of picking one word to focus on for a year. Patience was my word for this year. For different reasons but it is still a hard one isn't it. Praying for you that God gives you peace to rest right where He wants you, however that looks.
Blessings to you!
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