God's Girl

She is tender hearted.

She is dramatic.

She is strong, but gentle.

She loves pink and flowers and beauty.

She can play by herself for hours imagining the day away.

She doesn’t like “itchy” things and she despises the color green.

She is my girly, girl.

She is my girl.

Her name means “God is with us,” and it was her birth that was a source of saving grace for me.

My pregnancy with her was difficult, not physically, but emotionally. In those nine months we suffered through 2 funerals within a month of each other to the day and a literal storm that caused a little havoc on our home and a lot of havoc on my heart.

Little did I know or understand at the time that the Lord was doing so much more with my heart and stripping away the control that I so desired and trusted in more than I trusted in Him.

When she was born, I thought, “Ok, we made it!” 

I thought the storms would subside and everything would settle down and go back to normal.

Well, normal never really came back and this precious, sweet baby girl, who I had wanted so much…well, she was dramatic from the start!

Acid reflux, slightly colicky and post-partum depression was not a good mix for any of us.

She was beautiful and strong.

I was weak and fragile.

But, my God was with me throughout it all.

And I remember my mantra through out all of the turmoil…

"In Faith, I believe that God will walk me through this.”

“In faith, I believe…”

I had very little faith.

The guilt and shame I felt because of my lack of faith was overwhelming and probably more cause for my depression than anything else.

I had grown up in church all my life. 

I believed in God with all my heart. 

I believed in the one who could heal, who could move mountains, who could pierce hearts.

But…every thing always seemed to work out for me.

And in what I considered the first, uncontrollable trial of my life, I had failed.

I was drowning in my own puddle of pitiful tears.

I wanted so much to be stronger, but I was so weak.

I began to believe the voices that questioned how I could lose my faith so easily.

What kind of believer was I for letting go of the one thing that I was so sure of, at the first sign of a trial? 

This was such a small thing in comparison to the trials so many face and yet, I could barely hold my head up.

My girl has striking  blue eyes. 

Beautiful, sky blue eyes.

A trick in her DNA.

She has eyes of light in a family of dark brown eyes.

In her eyes I see the promise fulfilled.

In her eyes I see His light.

In her eyes I see peace, despite the fear.

In her eyes I saw the beauty that surrounded me during the time of craziness.

I don’t know what kind of storm you may be walking through.

I don’t know if you are walking in fear or depression or loneliness, guilt…

But, beloved, I do know that the God of all creation and the God who can move mountains and pierce hearts is walking with you.

You may not know where your faith stands.

You may not believe that He is anywhere near.

You may want to give all this faith stuff up because it is too hard.

That’s ok.

There is no guilt or condemnation or shame in that.

This life is hard. This life is brutal. There are certain things that tear at your heart and break you.

He knows that. He sees that. He is crying for you.

You may not know how to take that next step or where to go from where you’re kneeling and you may not have much faith left.

But, I encourage you, with the last drop of faith you may have…lift your head and say,

“In faith, whether this works out and whether or not I see or feel you God, IN FAITH, I will take one step at a time.”

In faith, I will believe in you, but Jesus, you've got to help my unbelief.

I am tender hearted.

I am dramatic.

I am strong, but gentle.

I love pink and flowers and beauty.

I am His girly, girl.

I am God’s girl.

His name means, God is with us.

You are HIS girl Beloved,

Do you want to get all new posts straight to your inbox?

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email}

Linking up with these great blogs. 

Working in Your Gifts

A few months passed and my thoughts kept coming back to this article. 

I couldn't be disconnected any more. I had to plug back into who I was created to be. 

It was 3 o'clock in the morning and the house was quiet except for the faint and steady breathing from my husband who peacefully slept beside me; completely unaware that his beloved bride and best friend was drowning in a sea of tears, fears, anguish and grief next to him. 

I grieved the loss of my passions.

I grieved the loss of my dreams. 

Mostly...

I grieved the loss of the years where I failed to live for more than pure survival.

For years I battled and fought against depression. 

I blamed hormones, diet, lack of sleep, raising babies.

I went through seasons of sadness.

Seasons of being overwhelmed.

Seasons of being angry and unsatisfied.

The ones I loved the most, the ones I was called to be more for in this life:

They were the ones who I hurt.

They were the ones who saw me merely going through the motions of life.

They saw me tired, insecure and sad.

This was not how I wanted to live my life.

In my heart I wanted to be so much more for them. 

Please understand I wasn't "down" every day...

I was a fun, loving mother and wife.

But deep inside, I sensed something was off.

There were days where I just didn't feel like giving anything.

And those days cancelled out all the good ones.

Friends, on a side note...Hormones are real and they can debilitate greatly; 

I am certain that they heightened all of my uncontrollable feelings.

When they are not leveled, life is most definitely not balanced.

See your doctor so you can get them balanced. 

Get on a eating and exercise plan, visit a counselor, talk to a friend...don't walk this alone.

But this was more than hormones levels.

It was more than a lack of sleep and small, needy children. 

There was a void. 

An emptiness. 

It was deep...Soul deep.

I tried to fill it, but it's hard to fill something that leaks.

Its hard to fill something when you don't know what to fill it with. 

It's like putting a square peg in a round hole...

nothing works and it seems impossible to fill the gaps. 

I resigned to telling myself that maybe this was 

"my lot in life,"

the "thorn in my side,"

the "cross" I had to bear.

Religion talk.

Lies.

You see, grace doesn't require me to fill anything. 

Grace empties me so I can be filled. (Psalms 107:9)

Grace doesn't say, "too bad, deal with it." 

Grace gives us "confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" Hebrews 4:16 NIV.

Grace doesn't say, "Carry your own burdens." 

Grace says to, "destroy speculations and every lofty thought raised up against the knowledge of God...take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5 NASB.

One commentary defines "speculations" as reasonings; "Whereas 'thought' expresses men's own purpose and determination of living after their own pleasure" (James-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary, www.biblehub.com). 

Grace doesn't simply say, "take up your cross and bear it," grace says, 

" for by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made Holy" Hebrews 10:4.

God had already made me perfect.

He didn't need to repair me.

He didn't need to stitch me up and say "that's as good as it gets."

He made me perfect in Jesus' sacrifice for me on the cross. 

All of my "reasonings" were futile and I was trying to live 

for my own purpose

 and not His. 

I already had purpose. 

I had callings and gifts.

All I had to do was remember them and use them they way He desired me to.

In those true callings and gifts I found my purpose.

In my callings and gifts I found freedom.

"And by that will we have been made holy 

through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once and for all" Hebrews 10:10.

In recognizing my purpose and gifts

 I could walk more securely in my calling as a wife and mother.

In recognizing my purpose and gifts

 I could freely love and live abundantly.

"God is able to bless you abundantly, 

so that in all things and at all times, having all that you need, 

you will abound in every good work" 2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV.

 The New Living Translation says that 

"you will always have everything you need and 

plenty left over to share with others" (emphasis mine).

He has blessed you with gifts and talents and a calling to use those blessings and work at them,

 building them up for the purpose of advancing His kingdom.

Don't let your dreams, desires, and passions ebb away in the flow of life.

Dont let life:

the struggles, the pain, the suffering,

 steal the gifts he has given you. 

Don't allow 

the monotony, the mundane and the melancholy

rob you of His riches. 

Don't lie down 

to the weary days and the wishful thoughts,

 but work to perfect your gifts and callings.

Work out your Salvation - Philippians 2:12

Show your work as valuable - 1 Corinthians 3:13

Devote yourself to your work- Nehemiah 5:16

Establish the work of your hands - Psalms 90:17

Give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord - 1 COrinthians 15:58 

Let your works bring you praise at the city gates - Proverbs 31:31

Then finally, enter into His rest. 

"Do not neglect the spiritual gift within you...Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them so that your progress will be evident to all" 1 Timothy 4: 14-15 NASB.

To read the article that undid me, click here.

You are His beloved,                     

                                                                        

Linking up at these blogs...

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

30 Something and Lost

I sat at my computer, tears streaming down my face. 

My children were playing...somewhere.

I honestly didn't know what they were doing. 

I read the article over and over and over again to try to process the words...

the ideas...the audacity. 

I couldn't do it. 

I didn't even know where to begin or how or... 

I shut my computer off 

and pushed the feelings, the fear, the fierce foreshadowing 

that had me in a choke hold  and I walked away. 

I simply couldn't handle any of it. 

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 

Everything I ever worked for was to obtain those titles. 

My goal was to be awesome!

I wanted to be a combination of June Cleaver and Lorelai Gilmore.

I wanted to bake cookies with my babes and raise them up well and Godly and secure and at the same time I wanted to be fun and spirited.

That's how I became distracted. 

Distracted from the Truth.

Distracted from who I was following.

Distracted from God's purpose for my life.

I shifted my eyes away from the One I was following and 

looked up to ideals and desires that I had placed above my line of vision.

My ideals seemed to be good and Godly, 

Yet, instead of looking up and getting closer to heaven, 
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..."  

I became disoriented.

I started to look around.

I started to watch others around me.

I started to compare.

I couldn't measure up. 

So I did what I had to do...I started pretending.

I wasn't pretending for anyone who was perhaps watching me...

I was pretending for myself.

I was fighting for my own, self righteous ideals.

I was proud of my ideals and I could not let them go 
even though I knew in my heart that those ideals were suffocating me. 

I could not face the fear of what 
my struggles and failures would do to my life 
if I didn't attain them.

I became distressed.

I couldn't see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around. 
I lost the vision for direction in my life.

In the book of Numbers, the children of Israel had once again complained of being" taken out of Egypt to die in the wilderness" (21:5). And the Lord, tired of their constant whining, sends fiery snakes that bite and kill them. Of course, they come back to the Lord and beg Moses to plead with God to take away the snakes. 

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten when he sees it, shall live'" (Numbers 21:8)

I wonder how many couldn't see it?
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.

I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband. 
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.

My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.

I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.

My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all; 
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.

I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself. 

I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.

I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her 
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy, 
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life. 

I disconnected from that girl and I lost her.
I couldn't even remember who she was.

I became someone else.

I didn't have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath. 
I didn't have time for any of that. 
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any, 
let alone live any.
I didn't want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them. 

In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have, 
I lost my purpose. 

I lost everything I was created to be,
everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.


I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years, 
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.

I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if...

And so there I was, 30 something and lost.

I walked away that day in complete fear and despair; 
but by the Grace of my loving God, 
He didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.


Tomorrow I'll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.

You are His Beloved,                    

                   

Linking up with these great blogs! 

Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

Created for Greatness

"You were created for greatness."

"You are a warrior for Christ."

"You are going to advance His kingdom."

"I can't wait to see the purpose He has for your life."

"You are a light in a dark world."

"He is going to use you in amazing ways." 

I tell these things to my kids daily. 

Whether they understand these truths or not, they hear me speak it over them so much that I believe one day they will KNOW these truths. 

My 8 year old sometimes rolls his eyes and says, "I know, I know...I'm a light in a dark world." And my 5 year old says, "I don't want to be a warrior, I want to be a princess!" 

And she is...God's Princess. 

I believe these truths for my children's lives, yet, I wonder...do I believe the same for my life?

Was I created for greatness? Was I created for more? 

Will He use me to advance His kingdom? 

The answer is that yes, we, " who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) were created for greatness. Ephesians 2:10 says that, "For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

We are His "masterpiece" or His greatest work.

 The God who created the majesty of the stars, 

who created rainbows and butterfly's and jewels of every color 

considers us as His greatest creation. 

He didn't just make us without purpose; 

He created each of us with different gifts, talents, personalities and He planned 

great works for each of us to do in order to bring glory to Him, our creator. 

Each of our lives, our gifts and callings are unique and His desire 

is that we use all of who we are and what He has given us for greatness. 

He desires that we will put to work 

each of our talents for His glory. 

That was His entire reason for creating you and I. 

Jesus understood the Father's purpose. 

He understood God's plan was to bring salvation so that 

"[none] shall perish but have eternal life" John. 3:16 NIV. 

He understood He was going to die a brutal death on the cross to accomplish God's plan. 

He also knew that in the short time that He was given on the earth, 

He had to work in order to bring God glory, 

"As long as it is day, I

must do the works of Him who sent me...while I am in the world I am the light of the world." John 9:4 -5, NIV. 

If we are to be like Jesus, we too must understand and believe

 that we were created for a purpose which will accomplish God's great plan; 

and, we are to work at what God has planned for us so that we can bring glory to Him, 

the One who sent us.

What is God's plan?

Salvation for the world. 

What is His purpose for us?

To use our unique personalities and gifts as lights in this world,

 like Jesus, so that those who are lost will be saved. 

"Thus says God, the LORD, who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and what comes from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it: 'I am the LORD, I have called you in righteousness, I will also hold you by the hand and watch over you. And I will will appoint you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the LORD; that is my name, my glory I give to no other...'" Isaiah 42:5-8 ESV.

He has called us, He guides us, He gave all of us the covenant or promise of Jesus, 

so that we can be a light to those in darkness.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY. 

It all seems rather simple, doesn't it? 

Yet, despite the simplicity, somehow many of us get tangled in the work of our calling. 

We complicate God's purpose for our lives because we let go of the hand that leads us 

to make our own way, for our own glory; 

only to find ourselves fallen into traps the enemy has set out for us. 

I'm guilty of that. How about you? 

A few weeks ago we celebrated my sons birthday at the downtown Aquarium. 

He had invited a couple of friends and of course, his cousins and little sister 

(tiny sister stayed with the grands for the day 

to free us up from chasing after a toddler as well!)

We of course had instructed the children to stay with us and not wander away. 

The girls were each holding hands and giggling, 

as the boys took the lead and my husband and I walked behind 

to keep them all in view. 

As we were walking, my Emma got distracted by something and let go of her cousins hand.

 She took just a few steps toward whatever had pulled her attention and then,

 just a quickly turned back and took hold of another little girls hand. 

Of course, the hand that she held did not belong to any of our girls! 

Emma quickly realized this and let go of the hand and looked around; 

disoriented by the crowd, she couldn't see where she needed to go

 or who to turn to.

She became distressed and fearful.  

Luckily, I had kept my eye on her and saw the entire ordeal. 

I quickly found my way towards her and took her hand in mine 

as we continued on to the next ride. 

In my life, I was like my Emma. 

I had a hold of God's hand and was walking along, 

being led by Him and secure in His hand. 

But, I got distracted. 

I pulled away to look for something else...something more. 

That moment of distraction caused me to be disoriented and led me to a path of distress and despair.  

For years I forgot my purpose in the callings and gifts He had blessed me with. 

Somewhere along the path of my life, 

I let go of His hand and I couldn't get a hold of the same grip I had before.

Even though I lost my way and couldn't see Him,

 He never lost sight of me.

He never took His eyes off of me.

I wasn't completely off the path. 

He called out to me and I tried to get closer to Him. 

I recognized His voice. 

I knew His call. 

The problem wasn't that I was lost. 

The problem was that I was disconnected.

Disconnected from the source of my life, my purpose and my guide.

He has created each of you for greatness, but unfortunately, many of us become:

Distracted from His purpose. 

Disoriented by the world that surrounds us. 

Distressed from the lack of vision.

Disconnected from the One who positioned us.  

We must keep our focus on He who sent us and our hand in His that leads us. 

We can not be faithful to what He has called us to

 if we lose sight of the work we are to accomplish for His glory. 

We can not be faithful to what He has called us to 

if what we are working for is not the work He has planned for us.

He created you for greatness;

Not because you are great, 

but because He who lives in you is 

"great..and greatly to be praise" 

Psalms 48:1 KJV.

Come back tomorrow as I talk about my distractions that caused disconnect. 

You are His beloved,                                                 

                            

Linking up with these great Blogs here...
Subscribe to Beautiful Craziness by Email

He calls You Faithful

Our Love Letters 

A few weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our "dating" anniversary. 

3/3/96 until forever was written on countless notes and letters and cards.

This part of my life has been a huge part of my story...for 18 years. 

More than half my life.

I was thinking on it again and asking "What was the point of all that Lord?"

And He answered..."To prove your faithfulness to me."

"What???"

I honestly thought, "Shut up???" 

(yes, I actually told God to Shut up!)

"That's it? All those years of struggling and waiting just to show we were faithful? For real?"

And so I leaned on my kitchen counter

and I was overwhelmed. 

Stunned.

A truth was set in my life that I never knew or realized.

I have proven to be faithful. 

I am Faithful. 

All those years...

7 years...

I believed what His word said and I resigned myself,

 mind, body and spirit to His truths and His promises,

not knowing how it would all play out, but believing;

having faith and hope that He would work it all out.

I asked my husband later that day, 

"Did you ever in those years of dating and the long engagement...

did you ever question that we wouldn't stay pure until our wedding night?"

His answer, very matter of factly and without hesitation was, "No. I knew that no matter what, 

it was what we were going to do. 

I never questioned it."

Yeah...

no matter what...

we were faithful to what He had called us to do 

and what He desired of us. 

And he is right...we never questioned it.

In that one instant...

in that one answer...

all the lies I have struggled with all my life...

the lies of not being good enough...

not being strong enough...

not being able to finish anything well...

GONE!

Holy Cow!!! Set Free!

Because...

I have proven to be faithful.

We did what was not normal, 

what was difficult, 

what took a long time.

We honored and obeyed my parents despite not agreeing with them at the time...

We were faithful to both God and man.

Though we weren't perfect...

 we were faithful.

Here's the whole truth:

If you are walking in whatever it is He has called you to, 

no matter what season you are in; 

whether you are newly married, in college, early motherhood, empty nesting...

juggling and living and figuring life out day by day...

whatever it is...

If you are living your life according to the word of God and according to whatever He has called you to do...

you are being faithful to Him.

You are Faithful.

You are proving yourself to be Faithful just like Abraham and David and Ruth and Mary...

They weren't perfect...yet they were called Faithful.

So in the things he has called me to right now...

this season of raising babies and toddlers and homeschooling 

and making countless meals and washing too many dishes and laundry overload...

in all those things that no one sees me do...

He sees me 

and He calls me Faithful. 

Not because I'm perfect.

Not because I do everything well (you should see my laundry room) 

or because I do it without complaint,

but because I'm doing it as best as a fallen, 

selfish sinner who needs Jesus every single moment of every day can. 

I'm doing it for the least of these and therefore, I'm doing it for Him. 

And because of that...

He calls me Faithful.

Beloved, He see's YOU. 

He sees the love you give your children, 

the stories you read to them, 

the meals you make

the hours of playing barbies and xbox 

and watching Frozen clips for the millionth time

He sees you waiting, praying, hoping...

daily living.

He hears the encouraging words you say to your husband.

He sees when you respect and honor and uplift the man He gave you 

as your helper in this difficult life.

He sees the hurts, the sacrifices, the pain.

He cares about your future together. 

He sees every look, every caress, every smile, every tear. 

He cares about the loads of laundry, the daily sweeping, even the dog!

He sees the hard work you put in at your job, 

the hours away from your family. 

He sees you at the 3 a.m. feedings when you are exhausted.

He sees  you when you hold your baby in your arms and soothe his tender cries.

He sees you soothe every boo boo and pray against the monsters and bad dreams. 

He sees you in early morning as you frantically search for homework and permission slips and fund raising money and shoes that never are in the right place. 

He sees you in the 30 minute car pool line, 

the driving from ballet to piano to football and gymnastics.

He sees you holding broken hearts as you pray for the right words of sympathy and healing. 

He sees you battling teenage drama and heartache.

He sees you fighting for your children at every age.

He sees you at the foot of every little bed, as you kiss goodnight and pray for restful nights.

He sees you as you wave good bye each time they leave for that college dorm.

He sees how much you love others, 

the way you minister to your neighbor or co-worker 

or the little children in your Sunday school class and the friend who needs your love.

He sees You.

And for all these things and so much more,

He calls you Faithful.

"If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10

Click here to see where I am Linking up