Appearance Vs. Reality

A few years ago a friend said to me, “Everything always seems to work out for you.”

A few years later another friend said, “You always seems to have it all together.”

I don't have anything together.

In my life I have 3 constants:

My God.

My Husband.

My Family (OK, so husband and family kinda fall in the same category, but then I would only have 2 constants…you see I've got nothing!)

“You seem to have everything together.”

In my Shakespeare classes of old, one of the major themes was appearance versus reality.

I appear to have it all together.
The reality, however, is so far from that appearance.

And that breaks me.

Because the truth is…I like appearing a certain way.

I'm really good at pretending.

How could anyone trust anything I say or do if they really knew the mess that I am?

How can God use me if people figure out the truth of who I am?

I broke a cup yesterday.

A sweet little espresso cup that I had bought in Little Italy the year before I got married. If you have ever visited our home, we mostly likely have served you Cuban coffee in these little cups.

The crack was barely visible.

It seemed to be together, but the reality was it was broken.

I don't have it all together.
I may have portrayed that before, because of my own pride and fears, but I am that cup. 

I am nothing, but broken and messed up. 

My life is a crazy jumbled mess that seems to be pieced together, but if you look closely, it’s broken.

If I were to let you in for real, you wouldn't see a woman who has it all together.

You'd see a woman who still looks at herself like that same little girl
who is afraid of everything.

You'd see a woman who can't keep up with laundry to save her life.

You'd see a woman who wants so many things, but is so afraid of failing
that she just sets it all aside.

You'd see a woman who wants to adopt or do something big for God,
but she is terrified of all the “what if’s,”
so she doesn't move.

You'd see a woman who yells at her kids more than she would like to admit.

You'd see a woman who sometimes criticizes her husband, who gets annoyed by her children,
who would many times rather escape than be present and who desires recognition despite herself.

You'd see a woman who in the last week hasn't picked up her bible once.

But…GOD.

He has begun to mend the broken pieces. 

He can use my broken pieces. 

He can make a totally new creation out of my mess.

Seem is irrelevant.

Seem isn't reality.

The reality is that none of us have it all together.

NONE of us.

The reality is that this life is a mess.

It’s hard.

It’s brutal.

It’s scary and trying and tiring and crazy.

The only real in our life is God.

He is the only one that is true and faithful and good.

It is because of who He is, that I will give over all of my brokenness to Jesus and daily choose to say Yes to what He calls me to.

What seems to be simply isn't enough anymore.

Beloved, is your life as crazy as mine? Are you a broken cup, pretending to be perfect? Give your broken mess to Jesus. Let Him make your crazy life beautiful.

I am privileged to link up with Kristen Welch From We are That Family, for the launch of her new book, Rhinestone Jesus: Saying Yes to God when sparkly, safe faith is no longer enough.

In her book, Kristen writes about her journey and how she chose to say YES to God despite her messy, not perfect life. It is a beautiful story of God's grace and mercy and how God can use each of us when we say YES to Him and His callings.

You can pre-order the book here - 

• Amazon
• Barnes  & Noble
• ChristianBook.com
• Dayspring
• Family Christian

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This is What Passion Looks Like...

I'm up early on a Saturday Morning.
I'm sitting in a corner of Panera with a bagel and chai latte.
It's 6:30.
I woke up early with my notebook and laptop in hand, kissed my husband and snuck out before the children and the sun rose.

Driving here with only so many people on the road I thought...So this is what passion looks like.

I only ever wake up early for a few things.
A good garage sale or vacation!

I've always been somewhat jealous of those people who wake up early to work out!
I've tried to do so many times but I always find it so hard to commit to.
I never had a real passion for it.

But last night, when I thought "I am going to wake up early and escape to write"...for the first time in my life I was excited and driven.

This week is passion week and I can't help but wonder if Jesus woke up in a similar manner.
Not excited, but driven.

In fact, I wonder how much Jesus slept the last week on earth knowing what was waiting for him in the end.
I can't imagine the turmoil, the fear...the anguish.
I can imagine that he may have desired so much to call the angels down to rescue him; to take him away.
Yet, He kept walking towards the cross because of passion.

Webster defines passion "as suffering; a capacity of being acted on by extended agents or forces; emotion as distinguished from reason; intense drive or overmastering feeling or conviction; ardent affection."

In our minds when we hear the word passion, most of us probably convey a love for something. I dont think we necessarily think suffering.

Yet, thats the first definition, "as suffering."
To desire so much for something that you are willing to suffer despite all sense of reason.

Jesus was passionate for us.
Despite all reason.
Despite the fact that we sin, that we msee up, that we fall and flail and doubt and lose the faith daily.

He was so passionate for us that He walked toward the cross.
He was carried on a donkey and praised, only to walk into a den of iniquity.
He walked into a garden to be betrayed.
He walked into a courtroom to be accused.
He walked into a palace to be handed over.
He walked toward guards to be brutally beaten, as 39 lashes scourged his back.
He walked up the hill as He carried His cross to have His hands and feet nailed, hanging on a tree like a criminal. Mocked and shamed.

His passion is what led Him. It was the unreasonable driving force...His ardent love for us....His passion.

This week, remember how much He loves you. Remember what His love bought for us.
His heart beat so violently for you until it could no longer beat anymore.

We have purpose, hope and passion because He was so passionate for us. He gave us all these things, because He was passionate about delivering us from the hands of sin and death.

The gifts and callings He has given us, He paid for on the cross.
We are not worthy of such a love.

Think about that this week as you live out the passions given to you by your Savior.

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30 Something and Lost

I sat at my computer, tears streaming down my face. 

My children were playing...somewhere.

I honestly didn't know what they were doing. 

I read the article over and over and over again to try to process the words...

the ideas...the audacity. 

I couldn't do it. 

I didn't even know where to begin or how or... 

I shut my computer off 

and pushed the feelings, the fear, the fierce foreshadowing 

that had me in a choke hold  and I walked away. 

I simply couldn't handle any of it. 

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 

Everything I ever worked for was to obtain those titles. 

My goal was to be awesome!

I wanted to be a combination of June Cleaver and Lorelai Gilmore.

I wanted to bake cookies with my babes and raise them up well and Godly and secure and at the same time I wanted to be fun and spirited.

That's how I became distracted. 

Distracted from the Truth.

Distracted from who I was following.

Distracted from God's purpose for my life.

I shifted my eyes away from the One I was following and 

looked up to ideals and desires that I had placed above my line of vision.

My ideals seemed to be good and Godly, 

Yet, instead of looking up and getting closer to heaven, 
I found myself looking up and getting further from the His Kingdom.

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..."  

I became disoriented.

I started to look around.

I started to watch others around me.

I started to compare.

I couldn't measure up. 

So I did what I had to do...I started pretending.

I wasn't pretending for anyone who was perhaps watching me...

I was pretending for myself.

I was fighting for my own, self righteous ideals.

I was proud of my ideals and I could not let them go 
even though I knew in my heart that those ideals were suffocating me. 

I could not face the fear of what 
my struggles and failures would do to my life 
if I didn't attain them.

I became distressed.

I couldn't see past the walls I had built around myself.
I had to keep everything together and within those walls.
I was overwhelmed and depression lingered all around. 
I lost the vision for direction in my life.

In the book of Numbers, the children of Israel had once again complained of being" taken out of Egypt to die in the wilderness" (21:5). And the Lord, tired of their constant whining, sends fiery snakes that bite and kill them. Of course, they come back to the Lord and beg Moses to plead with God to take away the snakes. 

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten when he sees it, shall live'" (Numbers 21:8)

I wonder how many couldn't see it?
How many lost their vision?
How many were so overwhelmed with the slithering, life stealing serpents at their heels that they could not look up past the sting of fear and failure.

I was trying desperately to keep it all together.
I was doing good deeds. I was working hard.
I was loving and serving my family, my friends, my church.
I was serving and holding and pursuing and romancing my husband. 
I was teaching and disciplining and training and playing and blessing my children.
I was being a Proverbs 31 woman.

My ideals were not worldly.
My ideals were good and even God given.

I am called to do good. I am called to work hard. I am called to love and serve. I am called to pursue and romance. I am called to teach and train and bless.

My loss of vision resulted not in desiring to do those things well, but in desiring to do them all; 
without grace, without guidance and for my own pride and glory.

I became disconnected.
Disconnected from God.
Disconnected from myself. 

I disconnected, not because I had too many responsibilities in my life;
I disconnected from God, because I disconnected from my inner being.
I disconnected from who He created.

I disconnected from that girl of years past.
That girl who found pleasure in beauty and singing.
That girl who found meaning and truth in books that would take her 
to centuries of old and places of wonder.
That girl who would write stories of what she was living and learning and dreaming.
I disconnected from the girl who longed to be a loving wife and mommy, 
who would kiss and serve and hold for pure pleasure and joy and life. 

I disconnected from that girl and I lost her.
I couldn't even remember who she was.

I became someone else.

I didn't have time for beautiful, I wanted order and perfection.
I refused to lose myself in a book while soaking in a bubble bath. 
I didn't have time for any of that. 
I was too busy reading the stories in the lesson plans to write any, 
let alone live any.
I didn't want to play with my children or hold them.
I was irritated with their childish ways and tired of constantly serving them. 

In all my desperate attempts to be and do and have, 
I lost my purpose. 

I lost everything I was created to be,
everything I was created to do and everything I was created to have.


I walked away from my computer that day, because for the first time in so many years, 
I caught a glimpse of everything I had lost and everything I was missing.
For the first time I questioned what I was doing and if it was worth anything.

I became paralyzed in fear.
The fear of what if...

And so there I was, 30 something and lost.

I walked away that day in complete fear and despair; 
but by the Grace of my loving God, 
He didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on myself.


Tomorrow I'll tell you a little more about that article and its life changing words.

You are His Beloved,                    

                   

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